WAW is back (for now?)

[GH31]

Hello guys,

I have a number of threads over in Newcomers which I am keeping current.

Very briefly, my W left on 01/28/2008 and had/is having an A with OM. She cited my cruel and selfish behaviour as a reason to separate and she was right to go. I cannot agree with the A when she hadn't made a firm and final decision to end the M though.

We were living in Germany at the time of all this and OM is in the UK. After coming home for a "reconciliation" in the form a vacation which lasted 9 days before going back to OM, I returned home to Australia saying I wanted order back in my life and that this chaos had to end. I was also adamant that if we divorced there would be no more contact ever out of respect for anyone we marry in the future.

I returned to Australia on 04/30/2008 and W joined me on 05/21/2008 after sending me SMSs and emails saying she was "lost without me" and that "the fog was lifting". She was very sad when she arrived and one week after coming back was SMSing, calling and emailing OM again. OM threatens that there will be no contact between them again unless she goes back to him.

W buys a one way ticket back to UK and says she wants a D. I say "OK that's fine, are you sure you are making the right decision?" and she says "no". I say "do you want me out of your life permanently?" and she says "no, please wait for me until January 2009 as we can't divorce before then anyway". Then at other times W says "I don't believe in divorce" and "don't go with other girls, focus on your career".

I accompany her to the airport on the day she is meant to leave, she checks in her baggage and then she can't let go of me and decides to offload her baggage. Flight is rescheduled for four days later; we stay in a hotel, have fun watching movies, playing games and we ML. Go to the airport again and at the last minute she doesn't board the plane. I tell her "you are in love with OM and hate my guts, it should be a no brainer for you". She reschedules flight once again, calls OM to tell him she didn't make the first one, then mysteriously she doesn't even bother checking in for the rescheduled flight, thereby forfeiting her ticket.

I have been calm, polite, unflappable and a good friend to her through all of this and non-judgmental, but I have told her that D means no more contact between us for all eternity. I also told her if she goes back to the UK to OM then that's the last she sees or hears of me and after everything I have been through I mean it. I would take it as a final decision

After she had spoken to OM at airport I asked her what they had discussed and she snapped saying "never you mind". She has refused to talk about things since and has been very cold, short on words and contemptuous of me. She went ballistic the other day when I asked her "what's different about this time?". I get the gut feeling that OM has ended it as he has also been stuffed around endlessly by her despite being completely in love, but I do not want to get into wishful thinking mode.

She asked me to contact her Dad again to say "we are working things out" and she herself told him that she is "staying put". W has said to me that there will be no more contact between her and OM but I have no way of policing this to ensure that she's telling the truth and if I bring it up it's met with a very hostile reception. I don't want to badger her and spy on her all the time either. On the way home I made an observation that she was being very contemptuous and she said "I will be for a while, I have mourning to do".

She is very very sullen, depressed, cold and quick to anger. I am taking this day by day and am very aware that this could all unravel but she has talked about future plans for us at least at the beginning and end of next month. If this is an affair withdrawal/grief period, how long can I expect this to last? If we can get through this withdrawal period I will use all of my new knowledge and habits to fill that Love Tank of hers up as quick as possible.

The A started at the end of 01/2008 and W and OM lived together from the end of Feb 2008 to mid May 2008. She is/was in love with him and I've seen the SMSs and emails. Given her hostility to interrogation and questions I have completely backed off and am having very little to do with her at present, despite being under the same roof.

If any of you Veterans could give me an idea of what to expect I would be very grateful. I bought her flowers today and a beautifully wrapped box of chocolates (gifts is her LL) but there was hardly a response other than a cold "thank you". Usually she would have been very happy - luckily through DBing I have learned not to take the response personally.

Very interested in your replies.

best,
GH31