Well, here it is. I can't believe I'm posting but Puppy said no one would judge, so maybe we can learn from each other.
The past few days I have made bad decisions, knowingly, but seemingly unable to get myself to stop making them. Seeing OM turned my life around, made me feel like I had made a HUGE mistake, felt such extreme sadness, stayed in bed whenever I could, migraines began again... Created a new account, loaded up a messenger system, and the emotional affair began once again online. This turned into "OK, let's meet, but then we need to have no more contact after that." Met, hugged, talked, missed each other more. More talking online. OM in my head all day again. Pulling away from H again. I feel myself doing this, but not wanting to. I start feeling a great need from OM and I feel so loved being needed by him. See him a few times more. No sex, won't ever do that unless I divorced. Start doing things for OM. More depressed at home. Told H how I worry if we will ever make it and how I wonder if we will ever get that missing piece we always felt missing. H continues on his emails and talks with me, but I am entrenched with OM again.
It's only been a week, but it feels like a year again already. I want away from OM. I know I want to keep my marriage. The feeling is stronger now than it was when I came back to him last time. I feel I've made a huge mistake thinking my H is a huge mistake. I'm praying again for help from God.
What's the attraction....I know now....I "get off" on how beautiful and perfect he thinks I am... I "get off" on how good he makes me feel...I "get off" on how much he seems to need me. He is a "drug" to me. I think I am a drug to him too, btw. He likes how I make him feel as well. There is sexual tension that is not there at home.
BUT- I don't want this life. I want my family and marriage. I'm realizing I got out when the "going got tough" again. This "just friend relationship" that I have with my husband has GOT to change and I have to do something about it. Psychologically, I know why there are problems in this area (too long and too intimate of a discussion to share), but I can't use that as an excuse or we will never make it....have to do something about it.
First things first....have to have No Contact again. God, the mess I make......I will get this done this weekend hopefully, possibly tomorrow. I am NOT telling H about this...will not help us. I know about the trust building, but that is not the worst issue between us right now. Basically, I do not desire him at all. That's the big issue. If he finds out, I will explain to him and he may be hurt, but I guess I needed to do this to know that the OM is really not a true love that my heart kept telling me he was. I think he would understand this. If he doesn't and he leaves me, I will deal with that. I did not have sex with the OM. So, seeing OM was either going to make me leave H or Leave OM once and for all. Luckily, it is the latter.
I plan on spending time with H on Friday, going out together on Saturday, and being all together on Sunday. OM will be wanting to see me, and will get mad when I don't. Mad because I tell him I love him and miss him and how great we are together, and yet I choose to stay with my H at home. I feel as if I am betraying the OM, but I can't do this. Before, when I was separated, it was different. It felt ok, because we were separated. Now, it feels like a double life and it feels wrong and I dont want to do this.
So, I'm sorry I disappointed everyone. I'm embarrassed.
Hey whatdidido, its Jeff from St. Louis, was just checking in before bed and who do I see posting wow.
Puppy is right we will not judge you, who are we to judge anyone, we are just here to support each other.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
I send the above sentence everytime I post anything and it seems to apply directly to you. We all have a long haul, we all have decisions to make, we do not know if our decisions will turn out good or bad. You have to choose a path. Do not be embarrassed, you are not disappointing us. Look inside of yourself, you are struggling with yourself, your own thoughts and dreams. You are the only one that knows what is right for you. You tell us what you want and we will listen and try to help.
We will try, we will pray, we will listen and we will not judge.
It's nice to hear from you again, I have to get to bed, sweet dreams whatdidido, I truly meant that. read your other post, Doris Day, the future is not ours to see.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 [b]Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Wish I had a song for you. Maybe one will occur to me. Glad you came back to tell us about everything. Yours is a different story; not the same one we keep seeing on the board.
I see you as continuing to move away from OM. Perhaps you needed this step back to see what you want, and make the decision firm in your mind again. To me, it sounds like you are more through with OM than you were before.
You sound like you understand what you need to do to move forward with your husband. Life is a process of seeking and solving problems. You are making progress. You have to do it your own way.
I haven't been a part of your thread before....but what struck me is how this OM validates you and makes you feel good about yourself......even though you know it's wrong.
As I see it, you need to love and respect yourself more. Value yourself. Find these things from within rather than from external factors such as the OM. If your H could make you feel like that then that would be good.....but none of us should rely on ANYONE to make us feel good and worthy.....that really needs to come from within.
Well done for being so open and honest on here....I am sure that was a pretty frightening thing to do.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The past few days I have made bad decisions, knowingly, but seemingly unable to get myself to stop making them. Seeing OM turned my life around, made me feel like I had made a HUGE mistake, felt such extreme sadness, stayed in bed whenever I could, migraines began again...
First things first....have to have No Contact again. God, the mess I make......I will get this done this weekend hopefully, possibly tomorrow. I am NOT telling H about this...will not help us.
It sounds like you realize you made a mistake; and you now realize any contact with OM has to be stopped. I think it is a drug/addiction and you should just stay away completely from that. Why put off the no contact until this weekend? I would do it NOW! If you were an alcoholic or drug addict, and you were going to stop in a few days; it's best to just stop immediately I think. And I think you are right about not telling your H. Karen
I want to be honest with you, wdid. It's the only way. It was upsetting to read your post, of course. I think it upset all of us. At least us guys. Makes me tear up just thinking about it.
It puts things in perspective for me. That IF my wife and I can ever get back together, how difficult the road will be. You have seen many parts of yourself in my wife and parts of your husband in me. We are similar people.
Right now, in my ever changing sitch, things don't look good. And seeing what you are going through is heart breaking and disappointing.
BUT, you admit to yourself of what you really want. Your family. Your husband. OM NEEDS to know this. Be strong in your conviction.
I just know my wife is weak. She always has been.
I prayed for you, wdid. I will keep praying for you. Somehow, you need to include your husband to help. Let him know some kind of contact was made. I don't know. Just throwing stuff out there. Become a team to fight together. For each other. He will step up to it.
Keep posting, wdid. We missed you.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
No judgements, no condemnations... just prayers. Be strong and follow what you see as your beliefs. Here you have all the support in the world that you might want.
You now have a stronger feeling for what is right for you. Keep that in mind as you go through the day. And take it day by day - something we all need to remember.
My new affirmation in my signature may be something to think about as well. Just maybe.
No need to be embarrassed. You have shown incredible strength. The little things will soon become bigger things and then hopefully everything becomes easier as time goes on.
Stay strong.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I also have never posted to your stitch before, it does should incredible strength to tell us what happend.
no judgments here, but ditto what Karen said. you need to stop all contact now. I think you do know what you truly want,, so work towards that with no distractions of OM.
take care
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Maybe you just needed to get this out of your system. Now you know where you belong. Work as a team with your husband to put this behind you. You are in my prayers. ((((((hugs)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think you see now the strength -- the overwhelming pull -- of the addiction. Just google "PEAs love addiction" and you'll learn more about the fire with which you're playing.
You have a weakness, pure and simple. I do not judge you; we all have them. With some, it's alcohol. Others, it's drugs. Others, gambling, or sexual addiction.
You are addicted to OM, and the validation that he gives you.
You know this. What you DO about it, is entirely up to you.
Like anyone with a weakness, you need a support system, and an accountability system. I'm sorry to say it, dear, but this needs to include your husband. You need to tell him what happened, and pray that he'll forgive you and work with you and give you another chance. But to fail to do so is to make a sham of your marriage and its still-tender recovery.
I also agree with Karen: the no-contact needs to begin TODAY. I believe the very first couple of posts I ever posted to you were about this same subject -- calling "b.s." on you saying "I'm going to end it soon," if I remember correctly. You're playing with fire, and intentionally storing matches and lighter fluid in your secret place.
Get rid of them, and ask your husband for forgiveness, and God for forgiveness and strength to do the right thing.
