Well, here it is. I can't believe I'm posting but Puppy said no one would judge, so maybe we can learn from each other.
The past few days I have made bad decisions, knowingly, but seemingly unable to get myself to stop making them. Seeing OM turned my life around, made me feel like I had made a HUGE mistake, felt such extreme sadness, stayed in bed whenever I could, migraines began again... Created a new account, loaded up a messenger system, and the emotional affair began once again online. This turned into "OK, let's meet, but then we need to have no more contact after that." Met, hugged, talked, missed each other more. More talking online. OM in my head all day again. Pulling away from H again. I feel myself doing this, but not wanting to. I start feeling a great need from OM and I feel so loved being needed by him. See him a few times more. No sex, won't ever do that unless I divorced. Start doing things for OM. More depressed at home. Told H how I worry if we will ever make it and how I wonder if we will ever get that missing piece we always felt missing. H continues on his emails and talks with me, but I am entrenched with OM again.
It's only been a week, but it feels like a year again already. I want away from OM. I know I want to keep my marriage. The feeling is stronger now than it was when I came back to him last time. I feel I've made a huge mistake thinking my H is a huge mistake. I'm praying again for help from God.
What's the attraction....I know now....I "get off" on how beautiful and perfect he thinks I am... I "get off" on how good he makes me feel...I "get off" on how much he seems to need me. He is a "drug" to me. I think I am a drug to him too, btw. He likes how I make him feel as well. There is sexual tension that is not there at home.
BUT- I don't want this life. I want my family and marriage. I'm realizing I got out when the "going got tough" again. This "just friend relationship" that I have with my husband has GOT to change and I have to do something about it. Psychologically, I know why there are problems in this area (too long and too intimate of a discussion to share), but I can't use that as an excuse or we will never make it....have to do something about it.
First things first....have to have No Contact again. God, the mess I make......I will get this done this weekend hopefully, possibly tomorrow. I am NOT telling H about this...will not help us. I know about the trust building, but that is not the worst issue between us right now. Basically, I do not desire him at all. That's the big issue. If he finds out, I will explain to him and he may be hurt, but I guess I needed to do this to know that the OM is really not a true love that my heart kept telling me he was. I think he would understand this. If he doesn't and he leaves me, I will deal with that. I did not have sex with the OM. So, seeing OM was either going to make me leave H or Leave OM once and for all. Luckily, it is the latter.
I plan on spending time with H on Friday, going out together on Saturday, and being all together on Sunday. OM will be wanting to see me, and will get mad when I don't. Mad because I tell him I love him and miss him and how great we are together, and yet I choose to stay with my H at home. I feel as if I am betraying the OM, but I can't do this. Before, when I was separated, it was different. It felt ok, because we were separated. Now, it feels like a double life and it feels wrong and I dont want to do this.
So, I'm sorry I disappointed everyone. I'm embarrassed.
