this woman is not someone who just happend to walk into h's life at a bad time..this woman has been around for years!! the poster she made for him...was made when she first bought her house (8 years ago) she wrote him letters before we married....so then I ask...wtf did he ask me to marry him??? why??? if he had this woman who he had "it" with...this woman who he "connected" with, while supposedly he never had that with me..then he wasn't married..so what she was married already then...but obviously didn't stop her from persuing him...if he was ready to leave after having gotten married and having two children then why the hell didn't he just let me go before hand??? why did he even marry me in the first place...
can't piece back something that never was..our marriage has been lacking all along...honestly most nights of our honey moon I was bored...it has been too long since we've actually had any "connection" the last c session we had..h mentioned a connection growing I sure as hell don't feel it..what I feel is that I'm being suffocated and accepting that I don't have a h...I have a man who wakes and goes to work and then comes home, complains about his day drinks a beer or two and then goes to sleep.
I'm tired.
I'm keeping myself busy..but will soon be out of rooms to paint....
I'll be starting school soon and that will keep me busy but there is danger in that...danger in being around people...danger in feeling connected and alive...danger in having my own live and enjoying it..a danger that h is aware of and doesn't seem to mind...a danger that h doesn't fear because in his mind happy or not I will never go anywhere...little does h know.
h knows what I need and want...I know what h wants and I've given and given and given....get tired of giving with little return..h himself will admit to not giving fully in return...and I'm supposed to be ok with it??? does he not realize that I do not need him??? never did never will...there are many many that I can turn to if in need of anything...honestly h is not the one I call on...he's not been there for me too many times...I'm tired of dropping things to appease him...I'm tired of being there for him...I'm tired of trying to be his wife...I'm tired of trying to be a part of his life...I'm just plain tired.
again the negative funk!!
and again I'll do my best to let it all out here and keep it from h...
and again h will not realize that if he were to simply call before 3pm (after leaving the house at 5:30am) if he were to leave the phone message to ME and not to "you guys" if he were to simply want to spend some time with me then perhaps this funk that occurs every few days would not occur...
I'm tired of the inconsistancy....
I am consistant...I listen to h...I make the time...I may be tired but I push myself to make his lunch because I know it makes him feel loved to have it...I'm tired of giving...and yet I'll continue to give give give in the hopes that perhaps one day h will be consitant...so then I am back to where I was prior to discovering the a....only difference is now I am more lonely because I know that my h is capable of "that feeling" he just doesn't want to share it with me...I'm not worth the effort to him. and because now I can't express how I feel.
