On another note, I am going to have to decide how much to tell her prior to serving her with the papers. Options are: 1. Say nothing, just let the L deal with it. 2. Wait til papers are ready and then let her know that it is coming. 3. Tell her immediately after I meet with L again and ask her to start working with me.
Once the D stuff starts I believe it is best to treat it like a business transaction. Option (2) is my choice.
I would pick a time when you know she has somewhere to go - perhaps a plane to Texas. That places a time limit on the dialogue. Then I would keep it short, to the point and use "we" language. Something along the lines of "I think it is time for us to accept that our M is over and for both of us to move on with our lives. (If you want to soften: I simply feel that we have very little to offer each other anymore.) I have decided to file for D. The papers will be arriving on____"
Then prepare for The Reaction. And then your challenge is to say nothing beyond: I understand, of course you have to do what you have to do, I will think about that, yes, I regret that we have reached this point too - type of sentences. Responses that say nothing - that do not sacrifice your boundaries and at the same time does not escalate the situation.
The key really is having a time limit - so you get to get in and out. And it would best if it was before she was on her way to Texas. Perhaps she will be a little less reactive and destructive.
She may surprise you. Sometimes bullies are full of hot air and threats and when confronted they back down. She isn't use to seeing this in you - it may catch her off guard.
I would make that a 4 yoga/meditation class week BEFORE the conversation. The burden of keeping things constructive is on you.
I know I have been pushing you to make a decision to move forward with the D. And well now, you need to focus on taking care of you and being prepared for the fallout. You need the endurance to make it through this time. And yes, when you get to the other side you will thrive.
We are all here for you.
And yes, you were right, I was projecting my annoyance with people that misinterpret eastern philosophy on you. I owe you an apology.
BTW: Don't forget to ask your lawyer about maxing out 529 (?) accounts for the kids college so there are fewer assets to divide. Shovel as much as legally possible into kids accounts. Of course, you will need some checks so the kids can't just access the money and blow it.
