I suppose if h never has such a relationship (outside of this m) again and eventually learns what "it" was then all is well and in the long run it doesn't matter.
if however h never has such a relationship again (even with me) then in the long run it will matter...he will be seeking that wich he was looking for in the first place in going to her.
or on the other hand is it simply me? simply my lacking of what I desire in a r...what I know a r can offer that I don't get or "feel" here...the open friendship..the laughter..the jokes...the ability to share whatever it is you are feeling and not feel like the other thinks your a nutty basket case but does understand you...the ability to comfortably call to say hi when you want to say hi...not living in fear of rejection.
I accepted that h was rather an island...not one for friends...not one to get out and enjoy life..not one for conversation..not one to come my way...not one to ponder the meaning of the universe...no one for much other than being there if and when you needed him...he was strong, confident, honest, loyal, dedicated and commited to his goals...something has been lost...h is a lover...h is capable of being a friend..h is capable of wanting to live life...wanting to get out there and live...just not with me and it troubles me...what was so wonderful about this ow..who was married when he met her...what was so wonderful about this woman that he wanted to go to her house three times a week (and supposedly not be physical) that he wanted to call her everyday..that he would lie to me so that he could continue being her "friend" that he would leave his home to explore the posibilty of moving on with her (and still not be physical?)
I want to know what their r was all about becuase if h is capable of just being a person himself and not just the business owner I would like him to be that person here...if he cannot then perhaps he should leave and go be with her...at least until she dies..(which should be roughly 7-15 years from now unless she's lying about that too)
I don't know what I'm saying...I'm simply saying that though on occasion h smiles...on occassion h hugs me and almost knocks me over...though on ocassion h talks about things outside of work...I wonder is there a person in there just waiting to come out??
I am afraid to be me around him as I don't know what the hell he wants.
