Quoting lostlove: it seems h has been right all along...I am fine for a few days and then get sucked into neg feelings over again...
I wonder why that trend is??
it does seem to me that the neg feelings are not as neg as time goes by but the fact that they are still there is bothersome to me.
so...two good pieces of info...that there does seem to be a trend (why? do you get scared? are you holding stuff in and then it has to come out? Is it the "women are from venus" idea that women just have up and down cycles that need to be ridden out? read the book, ll!!!). Also that the negatives are less negative -- cool! ( I guess I'll also tack on the H!! has noticed this? wow!)
Quote: I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm being manipulated or that the wool was truly pulled over my eyes.. <snip> I just wish that I could trust it all...is this real??
you know what I'm gonna say already...it's gonna be your decision to trust, to believe, etc.
Quote: I still have visions of punching ow in the face...just for fun!!
me too! me too! I actually picture doing it...is that bad??
Quote: things with h seem to be going very well...he's talking more and more about work and his day...customers and employees etc.
Quote: I just wish I could get hypnotized and erase this past year and a half from my mind...I don't want to live with the bad memories...
I wouldn't wish this crap on my worst enemy (well...there is ONE person...) but do you ever feel like it HAS given you an opportunity to grow? Granted, I might have preferred achieving that growth in a less crappy way but...
Quote: 4. an awful lot of thank you's and I appreciate this or that's going around lately (in both directions)
This is gonna be a "doing what works" thing -- right??? very cool.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
kaw ~ i've contacted the taliban... they're working on your request :P i hear iraq's got a crazy yard sale going on (please oh please, federal gov't ~ i'm just kiddin'!)
okay...
i actually have three postitives to write today, is it okay if I put 'em here?
1~ I GOT FLOWERS!!!!
2~ Me and H laughed together.
3 ~ D5's allergic rx to god-knows-what is gone.
btw ~ you're posts these days are, like totally awesome and stuff?!?
i was thinking, just for fun ~ to do a fantasy 3 positives post like: 1 - punched OW in the face today and she bled like a....
it seems I somehow lost a day?? today is thursday and I'm sitting here thinking it's wednesday?? what happend??
anywho...I continue to think things are going well...but I'm realizing more and more that h is not completely happy with his business...sure he's happy with it's success...it's reputation of being one of the best in the area...his commitment to customer service etc...BUT it seems each day there is an issue that really agrivates him...h was never one to swear a whole lot..but now when he gets on a venting session regarding a customer that's giving him flack for something all I hear is , a$$hole, b!tch, sh!t, and [censored]!ng...I dunno?? I try not to mention it to him but sheesh who the heck is this guy who can get so angry??
I offered to be a go between for him...taking customer calls, returning calls and setting up apointments for him..explained that sure they want to hear from him...but they'd be happy to hear from anyone representing him and in the end will still get him to take care of what needs to be taken care of...but that if I make the calls it will save him the aggrivation of sifting through all the crap and save him some stress too...it wont stress me out because I wont take any of it personally.
h said that was "mighty white" of me...(I am white btw)
it still seems that h is a split persona...one part of him says screw them, I do my job I want to get paid and go home...the other part of him is still torn with being there for everyone and making them all happy as pigs in sh!t...
all I can do is sit back and let h figure it all out...he knows that I am willing and able to help him out but I still think he's afraid to let go of some of the workload.
Quote: What will you do if you ever run out of things to worry about? How will you cope without a cause for complaint? Just imagine the dreadful horror of needing nothing and being totally content. It doesn’t bear thinking about does it? Happily, I am able to predict with great certainty that this state of affairs is never likely to come about. And even if it does, it certainly won’t last long. So you needn’t feel too nervous. I do though, need to warn you that soon, you may come disturbingly close to a sense of deep gratification and profound satisfaction. But cheer up. If you try really hard, you should still be able to find fault with it!
ha! that's h's horoscope!!
anywho...just living my life here...still trying to plan out how I can get dd's room painted without disrupting her too much (she'll have to sleep in the spare room in the playpen while I paint...it shouldn't take me more than two nights.
I have to go tommorow to be upgraded in cpr..I was trained as a civilian but need to be upgraded for emt...that may save me a saturday of the course, which starts tues night...
so three positives????
I'll have to get back later for that. right now I'm having fun fantasizing kicking the crap out of ow!! ok and having a little pitty party thinking her and my h should be together.
now I have been counting h's ventings about his customers as a positive...he's letting me in on some of what stresses him out...but as I sit and listen to him vent...I'll admit I do start to wonder...I start wondering is this what he talked about to ow?? is this what she listened to all the time...is there a happy side to h...is there a side to h that isn't complaining about work and customers and appointments and employees and the weather and not having enough time in the day?? or is this simply what she enjoyed?? he complained about work and she complained about her illness and that made each of them happy???
I'm worried about h...he's been burning himself out with his business since he was 19 and now even though he doesn't express it he's stressing himself out because of our sit...and the fact that he works so much he doesn't have enough time with the kids...sheesh some times he doesn't even see dd..as he leaves before she wakes and is often down for the night by the time he gets home...(this morning I recall him asking if he could go and give her a kiss...I couldn't let him...it was early (5:30am) and she was still sleeping (heck I was still sleeping) and if he woke her she may start the day grouchy...I feel bad about saying no but wtf...if you miss seeing her then find a way to get home before her bed time!!! (of course I didn't say that)
I guess I'm still stuck wanting to know what their r was truly all about...
I recall in c when c was trying to explain to h that I have my "idea" about how he was with her and now expect that he can be that way so I want him to be that way with me...h's response..."half of what she thinks was going on wasn't going on"
I don't know...I guess I'm just looking for h to "shoot the sh!t" a bit more...relax...sure I don't mind being a venting board and hearing about his woes with his customers...but I'd like to also have back that fun guy who can laugh and forget about his woes from time to time...I know he's in there and I've got myself convinced that that is the only side of h that ow ever saw.
I dunno.
ok here goes...I'll give the three positives a whirl and see if I can't get out of this slump.
1. snuck off and got a haircut yesterday...(mil was visiting so she watched the kids)
2. it's not raining today
3. I'm good enough! I'm smart enough! and gosh darn it...people like me!!
ok maybe later I'll be serious about the positives
Quoting lostlove: it still seems that h is a split persona...one part of him says screw them, I do my job I want to get paid and go home...the other part of him is still torn with being there for everyone and making them all happy as pigs in sh!t...
So your H is a complex human being, eh LL? Not so one dimensional?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
OK. I’m being a little facetious, but think about it. Is his split persona really all that strange?
no his persona is not all that strage...it's just that h was never one to really swear...infact I was shocked as hell to hear him once say "we're off like a prom dress" h at times presents a rather prudish clean cut image and other times burps, farts, spits and swears up and down...I don't know what the hell to make of him?
it's like I never know what "type" of persona he will be...I know just by looking at myself that it's not all that abnormal to have "sides" sometimes I can be a slightly prudish housewife and other times I can cut loose with the best of 'em..
it's just that these extremes are more present with h now than they ever where before and I don't know what to make of it...there were times when I would swear around h and h would tell me to watch my mouth...to now hear him swearing left and right is hypocritical...but that's just a minor issue...
lately (ok not lately but since this whole sit happend) I've been strugling with acceptance...
sure I can accept that this has happend...it did! (what exactly happend I'll aparently never know) but can I accept that it will not happen again?? can I accept that this was the first time? how can I live and live peacefully with h thinking that around the next corner just when I've gotten comfortable there'll be another phone call...that he's given some poor pathetic female a ride somewhere (of course that call wont come til he's been seen by someone on my side and he fears being ratted out so thinks it's best to come from him) then to find out his been taking her to lunch and stopping by her house...just as a friend mind you...
how do I know history wont repeat itself...it took over a year for this "friendship" to be discovered and it continued for another year...how will I know?? why should I trust??
h knows that I will not accept a second offense...there will be no explaining of anything...it will be cut and dry...cut your losses and move on..h is aware of this..but would it really be a loss to him?? he would be free of the binds of m..free of the binds of a r..free to come and go and do as he pleases. (gee doesn't he kinda have that right now?)
guess I'm still waiting for a shoe to drop in one direction or the other...h to be "caught" at something...or hell to just up and again say "I can't do this anymore" or h to ask me to again be his w...to once again wear the rings he gave me...to renew those vows that were broken. will that happen??? it doesn't seem likely so then...do I stay in question and safe...or accept it's real without fully knowing that it is?
What's that about ll? That waiting for failure? Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, it could have as much to do with what we ate as the circumstances surrounding our thoughts.
You WILL never know what happened between ow, even if H tells you the whole story, you still weren't there and wont be able to accept the whole story as whole. Why does it matter so much, too? Being married doesn't give any of us "ownership" over anyone.
What I'm trying to say (and I send tons of gentle wishes with it) is that you can obsess about what H did with or felt for OW all you want. It wont solve anything at all. It'll attack your own self esteem because you'll be comparing yourself to what you think OW was all about for H... what you think H wanted... not what H really wanted, but your imagination.
You can give it up. You can give H up. or You can live in doubt forever.
Quoting lostlove: I guess I'm still stuck wanting to know what their r was truly all about...
I recall in c when c was trying to explain to h that I have my "idea" about how he was with her and now expect that he can be that way so I want him to be that way with me...h's response..."half of what she thinks was going on wasn't going on"
I was TOTALLY thinking about this topic this morning! Wondering what h and ow's r. was about. The snapshot I have (the emails and the references in them) give me a picture of sorts and I was wondering if it was possible/adviseable/etc to try to bring some of it into our r. I think I've mentioned before that their r. seemed to be SO MUCH about communicating with one another (email, phone, IM) and h. doesn't do much of that stuff with me AT ALL so it feels doubly weird. (well, he does call me much more now and is talking more at home...sporadic on email and has NEVER suggested IM'ing which kinda bums me out)
I've been trying to think of ways to reduce my anxiety and fear and was wondering if lightly bringing this stuff up with h. might help -- in essence, understanding more about their r. and what aspects he might still want....dunno.
Perhaps h and ow did talk about work/illness? I DO think it's great that he's sharing more of himself with you!
Quote:
3. I'm good enough! I'm smart enough! and gosh darn it...people like me!!
true, true and true!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
