no his persona is not all that strage...it's just that h was never one to really swear...infact I was shocked as hell to hear him once say "we're off like a prom dress" h at times presents a rather prudish clean cut image and other times burps, farts, spits and swears up and down...I don't know what the hell to make of him?
it's like I never know what "type" of persona he will be...I know just by looking at myself that it's not all that abnormal to have "sides" sometimes I can be a slightly prudish housewife and other times I can cut loose with the best of 'em..
it's just that these extremes are more present with h now than they ever where before and I don't know what to make of it...there were times when I would swear around h and h would tell me to watch my mouth...to now hear him swearing left and right is hypocritical...but that's just a minor issue...
lately (ok not lately but since this whole sit happend) I've been strugling with acceptance...
sure I can accept that this has happend...it did! (what exactly happend I'll aparently never know) but can I accept that it will not happen again?? can I accept that this was the first time? how can I live and live peacefully with h thinking that around the next corner just when I've gotten comfortable there'll be another phone call...that he's given some poor pathetic female a ride somewhere (of course that call wont come til he's been seen by someone on my side and he fears being ratted out so thinks it's best to come from him) then to find out his been taking her to lunch and stopping by her house...just as a friend mind you...
how do I know history wont repeat itself...it took over a year for this "friendship" to be discovered and it continued for another year...how will I know?? why should I trust??
h knows that I will not accept a second offense...there will be no explaining of anything...it will be cut and dry...cut your losses and move on..h is aware of this..but would it really be a loss to him?? he would be free of the binds of m..free of the binds of a r..free to come and go and do as he pleases. (gee doesn't he kinda have that right now?)
guess I'm still waiting for a shoe to drop in one direction or the other...h to be "caught" at something...or hell to just up and again say "I can't do this anymore" or h to ask me to again be his w...to once again wear the rings he gave me...to renew those vows that were broken. will that happen??? it doesn't seem likely so then...do I stay in question and safe...or accept it's real without fully knowing that it is?
