W idea of simple decorating has turned into a major reservation project, it all good stuff and great plans have been laid down. W is very happy about it all but I'm fretting about the cost. Hear it here first, I can't afford it !!!!, but hey love will find away.
Last night we took a break from the house and went to see Mary J Bligh in concert, Wow !!! she was awesome, a much better performer than I ever would have ever given her credit for. Really opened my eyes when she reeled of the number of superstars that she's duetted with (they actually called her), Elton John, Eric Clapton, Sting, U2 Aretha Franklin, Anita Baker the list went on.
Today W had a go at me,(nothing new there). I picked up D6 and dinner from MIL but instead of going home I took D6 to the park. W had a rant about me leaving the food in the hot car instead of bringing it home. But later, for the first time W actually explained why she was having a rant. She just told me to slow down and think about what I'm doing. If I had brought the food home first I could have stayed in the park longer with D6 instead of scurrying home after she shouted at me on the phone. (must remember to say something positive to her about that).
W went on to say that despite all of this and her shouting at me, she still loved me, still wanted me in her life and in D6 life, still wanted me in her bed etc, etc. On reflection I should have been quite elated by W's little comments but my mind was still fixed on where to find the money for the internal renovation (there's loads to do), the new garden gate (It's a massive wooden one), D6 trampoline, W say it's a good way for D6 to make friends with the other kids that are hounding her. What else is there, oh yeah one of the TV's is busted, this list goes on.
(Fb2 , Hint, spend money and they are happy, don't spend and they have a MLC).
Tomorrow I'm back to moving electrical sockets in the house, I'm not a trained electrician but I know what I'm doing. The electrical work is easy, it's the drilling and chiselling into the solid brick work which is a pain in the a$$ (yeah the house is solid brick construction). So I may be off line for a few days again but I am checking in on my regular friends.
My W wants to renovate the house also. She could easily spend 30K....why can,t they do 10K / year i will never know. That has been a constant theme with us...she spends and I try to save. I have been pretty soft....that is why we are in the financila situation that we are in. How do you put your foot down when you are trying to reconcile?
Guys, Either way they will get you to spend the big bucks. I put my foot down the last few years because I didn't have a proper job and I wanted to eliminate all debt - tho' W wanted to remodel the kitchen during this time > $50K. I took a lower paying but steady job. Since I was expected to be the "provider" I also assumed the role of chief financial "controller" and I was indeed a hard a&^ at spending - my top priorities for spending were food, shelter and education. I did buy a good brand new car mostly for W's use and she walked away with it. But now I'm upto my ears in debt because of W's high handed D filing. Because I was conservative she is now well off, but she probably still won't realize this. So may as well let them spend you into the ground now, preferably on travel cruises, concerts, etc. so if they do walkaway they can only take good memories with them or maybe even file bankruptcy. I think its better to have a W who earns at least as much as you and then get mortgaged to the hilt - that way it becomes a real responsible "partnership".
Well, I thought that it was a decision between decorating or the trip.....I didn't know she got both! No wonder she is excited! However, the financial stress could throw both of you back on your a$$ and have a whole new can of stuff to deal with that won't help the MR at all.
I have two ideas about women wanting to decorate. One is that they watch these channels on TV that get them all inspired about ways they can change the look of there home. Hey, I wanted to buy a huge old house just to make it look like they do on some of those programs. That is all I could think about. But, my H knew there was no way we could afford it and I had to accept the reality of it. So, it finally phased out.
The second idea I have about why women want to decorate and change things around in the house is simply .....boredom. That is why I have tried to get some of the men to read those free email articles that come from the site making her happy. The author really brings that out a lot about how problems arise mostly when the women are bored. It doesn't sound very nice, but the bottom line is......it is true. A lot of A's start out of boredom. Women go shopping and buy things they don't need b/c they are bored. So, according to this author, it is up to the H to be sure she isn't bored. (Just what you wanted to hear...huh?)
Anyway, Lan, I am concerned that you may have bitten off more (or rather your wife has bitten of more) than you can handle. I hope it doesn't cause new problems and frustration for you.
I think I have tried in a poor way at telling you how WAW's don't like to discuss the R problems when they come home. In your case.....you were the one that went back home. So, it may be compounded there. I can't even explain why they don't won't to discuss it except that it brings everything back and that is what they are trying to leave behind. I think it is easier for some women to try to start fresh than to go back and rehash what has happened. Obviously, you have some issues that need to be settled with your W. Perhaps in time, she will be ready to talk about it, but I'm afraid that if you pressure her about it.....it won't go the way you had hoped. You have to continue to use the DB techniques now as much as you did before.
This idea she has about the M will either work or it won't.....concerns me. It sounds as though she is not putting much effort into it and expects you to do all of the work. I read where one of the other men said about the same thing of his W. I don't know if it is b/c they feel that they did work at the M for a long time without the help of their H's or if it is the individual's own thought process. For me personally, it has been very hard to be motivated about "working" b/c that is exactly how I feel. I've told you and others several times about it. However, I don't have the attitude that it "will either work or it won't". If that is the mentality, it won't stand much of a chance unless the H is willing to work his butt off without much effort from her. In other words, somebody has to work or it will fail!
The sex thing......well, gosh, I wish I knew what to tell you. Women are so complicated! We can't understand it, so how can you? There are so many things that affect our moods and energy and feelings, especially about sex. We certainly need that preparaton long before bedtime......the flirtation, the playfulness, or cuddling....whatever she likes. I know you guys get very, very tired of hearing about "homones" all the time....but we hate them too. However, I truly believe that is what governs a woman's body most of the times in her life. Maybe I've told you this......if so, then perhaps John will read it, so I'll say it again (lol). All our lives, we females are either pre-menstral, mid-menstral, or post-menstral. Did you know that I did not realize that some baby girls are born with mild in their little breasts? My baby had small amounts of milk in her tiny breasts! So.....it starts from the time we are born until we die. It is something men will never understand and we don't know how to tell them. It does have a big part of how we feel sexually and I think it has almost everything to do with how high or low our sex drive is. I can tell by some of my medication how it affects me. So, just do the best you can on your end of things.......and pray.....pray a lot. (lol)
I would like to see her stop "screaming" at you. I hate to see any female do that. It is not attractive at all! I can plainly see why she got upset at you for leaving the food in the hot car and taking a chance of it spoiling, however, she should not scream at you. When she does this, if you could just calmly and softly say something to her about how she is too classy of a woman to use screaming as a means of getting the message across. Or......tell her that screaming spoils her beauty and that you would appreciate it if she would not speak to you like that. If I were a husband, I think I would try a few times to use something along those lines to cause her to stop and think that she really isn't being an attractive person when she does that......much less respectful to her H. But, if she continued, I think I would have to have a serious talk to her about it b/c there is no excuse for a wife to scream or yell at her H. As mad and upset as I have been with my somewhat "passive" H.......I know better than to ever scream at him. That is something he does not take. In fact, he doesn't even like it if I raise my voice or have a certain "tone" of voice with him. Anyway, that is something I just wanted to throw around......as if you didn't have enough to think about. You can do all that while you are drilling through those brick walls....lol.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W is very happy cos things shes wanted to happen for a long time a are happening, such as the trip and the renovation of the house. We've probably have bitten off more that we can chew but I think I m in a better position mentally to cope with any fall out from that.
If I look back to our M, in my opinion W's A happened cos she was unhappy as she felt we had stopped living and that I was holding her back, ie not providing the "environment" where we could prosper and do all of these things that we are doing now. Yep, my feeling is that the root cause of our problems was us not progressing as she had planned. Her renewed interest in the renovation of the house has not come out of boredom or wanting a fresh start, it is more about keeping up appearances with our peers, and bettering ourselves in their eyes. Sounds bad but I think it's true
On piecing are M back together W has an old fashioned view that if we are together it will work or it won't, that fact that she is still here is here way of saying she is still working on the M. She is dead against MC, books tapes videos, questionnaires retrov or any other outside interference. Even now she get annoyed when I'm on the computer but she won't openly say anything cos that means I,ll have to explain what I,m doing and that may lead to R talk which she goes out of her way to avoid. In fact she half knows what I'm doing and the network of people I talk to but she won't mention it. All I get from her is "You're on that computer again" but I know she really means "You can stop talking to people cos we are still together". But yes, it feels like I'm the one doing all of the work on the M but I've stopped moaning about that now.
Latest is W says she still loves me, still wants me in her life and in D6 life, still wants me in her bed etc, etc. I used to wonder how she could go from hating me to thinking I am the main man in her life, but if I start the sentence with "this moment in time" then I can understand that she loves me, 6 months ago, "at that moment in time" she hated me. All makes sense now
On sex I'm as confused as you are. After the initial burst of energy things have settled down to about once a week that is as long as I don't bother in between. ie I'm not allowed to ask for it, it will happen when she's in the mood. We've been here before and because it didn't happen more frequent ignore W on the in between times, and cos I had ignored her she would refuse any advances I would make and we'd drift apart. In the past when I've tried to talk to W about how often she would like sex the answers I got were "Not everyday or not all the time". W doesn't particularly talk to me about sex, away from the bedroom. Unlike her R with OM where the phone sex and dirty talk played a big part R, however beyond the sex there was nothing, cos once he failed to perform there was nothing for them to talk about and the A ended. Still doesn't make me feel any better about the A. Actually W sees me differently cos she enjoys the soft massages and my gentle touch which she always comments on, it just a pity that she had to outside the M for rough, dirty sex. Ah well best to move on from that.
W screaming or shouting at me is somting I have to work at overcoming, I've tried the "I won't reposnd to you unless you talk to me in a civil manner" but she takes it as a challenge to up the ante and things just escalate. But that's the way she is and that's how she talks to her brother and her father, I've fought against it since day one but that's what it becomes, one big fight. Seriously Sandi I'd love to have a serious talk with her but when it comes to any situation like that she clams up and it seems like I'm lecturing her rather than talking. W isn't good at sensible discussions, but she always wins hands down in a screaming match.
So if you ask my how I feel things are going I'd say ok but could be loads better, the times she shouts at me and the times with out sex remind me of the times she would purposely create disharmony in the house to ease her guilt so she could be with OM, but on the other hand we do have an intimate relationship and I know she could not do that if she was with OM.
So I have to keep doing my work to keep us on track, I just wish hers was more visible but overall we are moving in the right direction.
I sure wished I knew what to suggest about the screaming. Apparently, she has either been allowed to express herself when she was growing up in that manner or else it is a family trait....I don't know, but it must be very hard for you to take. I guess if you have tried everything and it hasn't stopped her by now, then the best thing is to try to ignore it the best you can.
You sound hopeful and that is the important issue. You know I want the two of you to be happy and make a go of this M.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's the way she's been allowed to express herself within her family and it works for her, people tend to just roll their eyes and say "Oh, it's just the way W is ". In any R or friendship for her, she has to be the one in control or she cuts the other person off, simple as that. I've seen her do it with her parents, her brother, her b/f, other friends and of course now me. I remember when we were first dating and I heard the way she spoke to her parent I told her that I wouldn't accept her talking to me like that. It worked for a while but then I always found we were fighting over a matter a principle rather that getting things done.
Recently I chatted with SIL and she says it really annoys her when she sees people back down to W and allow her to get her own way all the time. Funny thing, only last week I saw BIL having a rant about something or nothing and SIL just said to him "talk to me in a civil manner or I won't listen to you" BIL soon calmed down and they sorted things out, but he's a more laid back character to W. I thought to myself that's how I should react with W, but in reality when I do this with W we end up not speaking to each other as we've done in the past.
I've it here mentioned before if W would stop shouting or talking to me like I'm a POS, generally modify her behaviour things would feel a whole lot better, I wouldn't feel like I've done somthing wrong or we've gone off track again. But that just seems to be the way she is, 44 years old, still addicted to drama, still acting like a spoiled child, still wanting to get her own way. I think you called this one early on saying somthing like W needed counselling but thats on her list of will not do items.
But in general I do feel hopeful, but W is really, really hard work to deal with, but now I see things alot more differently so I'm better placed to handle her drama's.
The sex thing......well, gosh, I wish I knew what to tell you. Women are so complicated! We can't understand it, so how can you?
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
On sex I'm as confused as you are.
Well actually I'm not that confused, W uses sex as a manipulation tool. I'll give you an example, in our early days of courting we used to enjoy oral sex, but that stopped as soon as we were "a couple". I can remember her exact words "lets save this for when we really get to know each other". I can remember trying to intiate this after we were married and W refused, when I asked her why she used to do it before and not now she said it was because "she didn't want to lose meat the time" (Charming).
I can help thinking this renewed sex we enjoyed was because she doesn't want to lose me again. It's calmed dow cos she told me she was losing the excitement cos I was expecting it all the time. (Well.. yes). So sex has been manipulated to being on her terms. Us poor men can do nothing about it.
but still I have to count my blessing, more times this year than the previous 5 years.
