Impossible situation??

[Bagheera]

Greetings HC,

Sexual promiscuity as an adult is a very common effect of sexual abuse as a child. Even following a sincere religious conversion, unless your husband has sought professional help / support groups to address and heal the deep psychological issues surrounding his abuse, there will be a continual pull to return to past unsafe behaviors. This is not a conscious decision, but an unconscious reaction to the abuse.

I haven't shared this here before (in a public forum), and still won't say much about it, but both my wife and myself are in the process of dealing with issues of past child abuse: sexual, physical, and emotional (between the two of us). These issues have severely affected our relationship and sex life in the past, and is part of why we are in therapy now.

I can give you two resources that will help to educate yourself on the topic, and him when he is ready.

(1) Get a copy of The Sexual Healing Journey, A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz. There are other books on the topic, but this the one our current therapist recommends.

(2) Go visit the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) website and take a look at their Survivor to Thriver Manual, available in PDF or web-base formats.

If your husband has never sought professional help to deal with his past, then I can just about guarantee that it is affecting him and your relationship today -- your description of his 'wild' sexual past is pretty indicative. How to get him to address the issue is a difficult matter, and one that I can't give you any pointers on. He's somewhat correct it that it is a part of who he is right now, but it is something that can be addressed and modified --> if the goal of being truly happy within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship is something that he would really like to achieve.

It seems to me that his Christian conversion was a real effort on his part to change past dangerous behaviors and settle down into a 'normal' life -- he deserves a lot of credit for that effort. Unfortunately, it didn't work out the way either of you wanted, and he's probably feeling pretty 'burned' by the results of his efforts. That said, YOU have made a tremendous effort to change your own sexuality for the benefit of both of you, and you deserve to be commended for it. Is there any chance that he might be convinced to put forth a similar effort to address his own serious issues?

Best of luck to you,

Bagheera