Hey LL and Sage. Seems like there's a lot of this going around lately. For me it's not about forgiving anymore, it's about trust...which seems to be where you ladies are coming from. Drives me crazy at times. I suppose I have to look at what my W and I have learned and need to trust that she's learned enough to do what needs to be done to have a successful R. Since I have NO control over her, I guess trust is all I have...
Seems like the three of us have Ses that ARE doing things for us that either they were not doing during their As, or that they never did. They are trying to demonstrate their commitments to us through "actions." Rather than clinching our eyes in self-doubt or pain, we need to open them to realize their "gifts." LL, lately you've done very well with this; Sage, you've been trying to get beyond this; and I, unfortunately, have been stuck.
I also realize that we are further along in this evolutionary process than our Ses. We've read the books and we have the BB. Our Ses are, more or less, taking queues from us. But they are growing...slowly they are growing...aren't they? I imagine a year from now they will have grown even more.
Oh like you'd disappoint us with one slightly woeful post! Silly girl!
Like Sage said, it's NOT the same ol, same ol, either. It is more action oriented.
I for one, rather enjoyed Identity...not the best, certainly not the worst. How about "Bruce Almighty?" We caught that last weekend and while I didn't find it to be the laugh fest my best friend alluded to it has a very nice message overall.
I think negative "blips" are to be expected. Holy Crap, we've had a lot to deal with, haven't we? I too sometimes indulge in the..."he did it then, he lied and lied over and over, fessed up then lied again...why not now?" kind of thinking. But what purpose does that serve?
Maybe it does give us a little check to make sure we DON"T slip back into "old ways", I don't know. I think we're better off assuming the best and if we are disappointed again...well, I don't know about you, but I'm a MUCH stronger person now, and I will not stand for such a betrayal again. Sorry, but that's how I feel.
Also, I think all of us can "sense" that things are different this time. I know I can. Even though things are far from perfect (whatever that is!) I don't have this awful sense that my world is falling apart, that I don't know who my spouse is, that the rug could be pulled out from under my feet any second...do you know what I mean??
And thanks to you and SAM for the "list the positives" idea, it's already brightening my outlook.
I used to keep a gratitude journal (thanks to Oprah) back in '98 when my anxiety was at it's worst. Some days I listed stuff like: I have full use of my limbs...I saw some pretty flowers...I can breathe unassisted...pretty basic stuff, but things that some people, sadly, do not enjoy. Puts things into perspective, no?
Hi, LL! My throat STILL HURTS!!!!!!! BUT, I read your positives, and they're AWESOME! GOOD JOB H!!!!! And GOOD JOB LL!!!1
My 3 for today:
1) Last night asked SBH for first time to list 3 positives. He had a hard time, but did it. I'm going to try to make that part of our daily routine togeter.
2) Spent the day with D5, who I took to doc and has bronchitis. She's on amoxycillin and will be ready for school tomorrow...whew...
3) BEAUTIFUL day. I just love that
Didn't read about the case of what if's - I don't have the energy tonight. I know SBH is going through that now, too. The trust thing and the what if I'd done something different, Sam wouldn't have cheated. Poor thing. Sometimes it's so frustrating for me b/c there really isn't a lot I can do. Except be there. And love him. Which I do!
Quoting jethro: Seems like the three of us have Ses that ARE doing things for us that either they were not doing during their As, or that they never did. They are trying to demonstrate their commitments to us through "actions." Rather than clinching our eyes in self-doubt or pain, we need to open them to realize their "gifts." LL, lately you've done very well with this; Sage, you've been trying to get beyond this; and I, unfortunately, have been stuck.
It's definitely true for me that h is now doing things that he NEVER did before...it's pretty amazing stuff, actually. jethro -- have you considered doing the 3 positives? It made a huge difference for me way back when -- it was the tool I used to note the things that h. was doing (hard for me to notice since I had been looking for "other stuff" that I wanted!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting shinybear: Maybe it does give us a little check to make sure we DON"T slip back into "old ways", I don't know. I think we're better off assuming the best and if we are disappointed again...well, I don't know about you, but I'm a MUCH stronger person now, and I will not stand for such a betrayal again. Sorry, but that's how I feel.
hey -- I don't think you have to apologize for that! I completely agree...my thought is that we BOTH (h and I) should be at the point where either one of us could say...hey, we're back in the danger zone, let's regroup. well, actually, I don't think we're quite there yet...someday.
Quote: Also, I think all of us can "sense" that things are different this time. I know I can. Even though things are far from perfect (whatever that is!) I don't have this awful sense that my world is falling apart, that I don't know who my spouse is, that the rug could be pulled out from under my feet any second...do you know what I mean??
I'm not always there yet...sometimes I see a glimmer of "things are no longer in the complete danger zone" and other times, heck, I"m still there. It is so much better now than it was, though....
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I love your 3 positive idea, I need to start incorporating that into my day as I have also fallen victim to the "what ifs" syndrome this past weekend and the total exhaustion of working on this M single handedly.
SB has a great point, I think you are stronger and will handle this differently if he betrays your trust. And I would think he also knows this.
Keep up the positive list, I can see it helping me tremendously at a time I really need it. Thanks.
Sounds like things are OK w/you! Been absent but I think about you guys!
The fact your H offers info on his day and expresses his appreciation for what you do for him shows he not only wants your M to prevail, but that he's willing to do what he needs to do to make it happen. Remember...it's a learning process for him!
it seems h has been right all along...I am fine for a few days and then get sucked into neg feelings over again...
I wonder why that trend is??
it does seem to me that the neg feelings are not as neg as time goes by but the fact that they are still there is bothersome to me.
I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm being manipulated or that the wool was truly pulled over my eyes..new questions come to me during each neg phase...new questions that I don't want to ask..because h just doesn't want to talk about it anymore...I suppose he's right...as it seems the more I know the more neg I feel...I know enough now to wallow with I don't really need more.
I just wish that I could trust it all...is this real??
one of my friends is a realtor and knows of ow's house (ok ok so I asked her to take a look and see if she's using a realtor as well as ismh.com...she's not..but anyway..one of friends co-workers was driving around and saw the fsbo sign...saw the ow...and ow offered to make an appiontment to show the house to her...this person knows nothing of me or the sit...they think the house is over priced...would be my impression that it has not yet sold...grrrr..but at least is still being sold!
I still have visions of punching ow in the face...just for fun!!
things with h seem to be going very well...he's talking more and more about work and his day...customers and employees etc.
I just wish I could get hypnotized and erase this past year and a half from my mind...I don't want to live with the bad memories...
ok back to the positives.
1. I found a border for the master br and put it up yesterday and last night....while on the step ladder h walked by and squeezed my calf.
2. searched through wallpaper books and found border for dd's room...now I just have to figure out how do get her room painted and what not?? I usually do such things while she's napping or down for the night, maybe I can set her up in the spare room??
3. dd woke early yesterday morn...before h left (ugh 530am) h had hoped she do the same this am..she didn't, so at 7am I had her call him...he was happy...then at 8ish h called me to thank me for having her call...he really appreciated it and wanted to let me know so.
4. an awful lot of thank you's and I appreciate this or that's going around lately (in both directions)
5. maybe we are getting somewhere. (I'd just like an obituary for ow now! even if just one from h's heart)
No "maybe" about it ... You ARE getting somewhere and that somewhere IS where you want to be ... a happy home.
You're not there yet, but I have all the confidence in the world that you will get there. Your're doing great listing the good things. Now also accept them as being the "good" things you want in life. Learn to accept them with no strings attach ... no hidden agenda on his behalf. They are happening because it is what the both of you want and two of you are learning how to get what you want. This is really GOOD stuff, LL!
Quoting lostlove: (I'd just like an obituary for ow now! even if just one from h's heart)
I've been envisioning OM's house going up in a nuclear blast lately as a means to get him out of my life (& W's) I guess we all have our fantasies! Unless someone knows where I can a weapon of "mass destruction" for cheap!
For me it's not about forgiving anymore, it's about trust...which seems to be where you ladies are coming from. Drives me crazy at times. I suppose I have to look at what my W and I have learned and need to trust that she's learned enough to do what needs to be done to have a successful R. Since I have NO control over her, I guess trust is all I have...
I guess we all have our fantasies! 