Ian, Things have gotten out of control on this thread. I have now shared things that were very personal to me that I have not shared here before. I don't know exactly if anything I shared with you sunk in or not, it really doesn't matter anymore does it? I will be keeping my personal life personal from now on, I also have learned a valuable lesson from this experience. Share things only with people you truly trust, not those who love to wash your dirty laundry in public.
Take care of yourself, Be careful (((hugs)))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Don't know why I'm posting except to say that what seemed like a straightforward discussion of Ian's, or any divorced DB's, post-D relationships turned into this ugly affair. I kept thinking if I read on that I would see an interesting discussion in that vein, and basically only AG and Kman addressed that topic, while the rest was I don't know what...some kind of ugliness I guess.
Just because I still think this is a worthy topic, I would like to say that I think that this time in most of our lives is very confusing. I, for one, know how easy it is to let the attention of someone else validate that you are still desirable. Maybe it isn't that easy for a woman to understand, but in a vulnerable state, it seems that many guys are susceptible to the attention of a younger woman. This site is ripe for that kind of thing, with the emotions being what they are and the fact that we help each other feel better. But as far as airing someone else's dirty laundry on the boards, I don't think that is appropriate.
Anyway, I feel like I'm speaking out of turn, since I'm not one of Ian's usual posters. I usually confine myself to newcomers or idle musings on my own thread. Ta
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Crud. I never thought I'd post on Ian's thread. And I hope the irony of my perspective versus the goings on here is not lost on him.
Agree or disagree with his actions, HE is the only one qualified to judge him on Earth. Not me. None of us. Fact is, there may or may not be thing for a man to feel ashamed of. That's between him and the almighty. I've been in the judgement spotlight. It isn't right. If one feels Ian has hurt someone close to them, it's not for them to expose him to public ridicule and judgement. Instead, support the one you see as hurt and address your issues with the man privately.
I've failed to do this in the past. I'll tell you now, it brought me no satisfaction and only created pain. Let (s)he who is without sin cast the first stone.
I guess what I'm saying is, perceived flaws or superhuman strengths aside, Ian and his maker are the only ones who HAVE to face his choices 100%. And I'd be a hypocrite to sit here and cheer on the judgement-fest. So, I choose to encourage healing where I may. And I hope it comes to all of us soon.
I just pirated again (heehee and on my new laptop!!! Woot Woot)
If the person that was referenced was the person I think it is (damn bread crumbs) I know for a FACT (for once!!! ) that there was not an emotional affair and no...all you clucking chickens...it isn't me.
Ian and I have had many differences but for once I think he speaks the truth here
seems like there is an awful lot of conclusion jumping and not so much fact basing.
I shared with Ian my concerns about the new girl he is seeing. And, that's all they are, my concerns.
There are some very judgemental people on the boards and there have been very many things brought onto these boards that maybe should have remained private. Lots of people get hurt that way.
Hurt is hurt, no matter what way you slice it. Seems like Ian's hand was forced to maybe admit some things he wasn't ready to. I've been in that situation and it certainly doesn't feel good.
it is too bad that adults can't let other adults be adults.
We can make our own choices, mistakes or revelations that they may be. We can make our own decisions, good or bad and deal with the consequences.
I have faith that the adults involved in this fandango are just that...adults...and they can certainly fend for themselves. And, how about the fact that there was NO emotional affair...just a couple of people that were friends. When we care deeply about someone they have the power to hurt us the most, somtimes in the most innocent of ways.
At one time, Ian and I were great friends too. I made some decisions he didn't agree with, he made some I didn't. SHite happens but just because we hurt each other does NOT mean that we were emotionaly invovled...for crying out loud!!!!
let them do their own wash and lets get back to being adults.
(sorry Ian...I'm pretty sure this will set the howling banshees off on your thread but jeeeeeeeeeeeepers....i can't keep my mouth shut sometimes!!!!)
But as far as airing someone else's dirty laundry on the boards, I don't think that is appropriate.
I agree with that 100%..... dirty laundry is a mistake that I have made in the past as well. It serves no purpose and definitely is uninvited on my thread. That includes mine by others thanks.....
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Anyway, I feel like I'm speaking out of turn, since I'm not one of Ian's usual posters. I usually confine myself to newcomers or idle musings on my own thread. Ta
Ummm Phoenix.....Post away,I have enjoyed your insights thus far and your perspective on the original topic was great. I appreciate you sharing your views. do not hesitate because you dont post to me regularly......2005....you have earned the right......
(sorry Ian...I'm pretty sure this will set the howling banshees off on your thread but jeeeeeeeeeeeepers....i can't keep my mouth shut sometimes!!!!)
And when the hell have I ever been afraid of the howling banchees.....seems to me Fig that you used to think I ate them for breakfast at one time anyway.
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Hurt is hurt, no matter what way you slice it. Seems like Ian's hand was forced to maybe admit some things he wasn't ready to. I've been in that situation and it certainly doesn't feel good.
I appreciate that Fig, but I have also been working on being more open with the things that I have kept private in the past.I have been known to not share how I feel and private things out of fear or shame, or simply self disgrace. There is nothing in my life that is above reproach and I am learning that the phrase "It is what it is" is probably one of the most profound ever created because it is dead on.
I would have preferred to divulge on my own terms, but I am certainly not upset that I had to. I don't believe there is any one person on this board who has not screwed up or made mistakes along the way. So my philosophy at this point is as long as it wasn't illegal or jeopardized my family, it should be an open book. My expectation would be that people would loving embrace the openness and deal with the issue at hand rather than stand in judgment.
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I shared with Ian my concerns about the new girl he is seeing. And, that's all they are, my concerns
Yes you did, and I appreciated your candor.....and laughter care for a stick of gum???????
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At one time, Ian and I were great friends too. I made some decisions he didn't agree with, he made some I didn't. SHite happens but just because we hurt each other does NOT mean that we were emotionaly invovled...for crying out loud!!!!
That is true, we were not...... and at one time..... I have already told you that no matter our differences I do care about what happens with you and your boys just as I know you do about me and my kids. Like you said, shiite happens.
This thread while it has gotten a little out of hand is not a bad thing. I think it will be a good measuring stick to measure yourselves against in a few months and then a few years perhaps.
I myself found it to be a learning experience b/c there is nothing that has been said on this thread that I didn't hear in my group five years ago.
It takes time to heal from a D. It takes time to get past that vunerable stage. Our individual feelings are more easily hurt during this stage. We also tend to get emotionally involved more easily with people that empathize with our D experiences during this post D phase. And you cannot see that from where you stand today - you see it in hindsight. Every single one of us makes choices based on our state of mind at that time. And everyone single one of us has times when out state of mind colors our perspective and sometimes we make some not so great choices.
It really isn't about good or bad or judgement. It is about every person having to find their own way in life in their own way.
My group disbanded over hurt feelings just like this 5 years ago. I myself was very hurt and very angry. There were EA's/PA's, almost but not quite EA's/PA's, one sided EA's or PA's that meant more to one person than the other. I hope that does not happen to this group. You seem to have forged some strong bonds. I hope you will all be able to be able to put this all into perspective - things have been said b/c of heightened emotional states. I hope ou will allow things to settle a few days and see if you can get past it.
DB'ing doesn't just apply to WAS or dating - it applies to every single R in your life.
I will address this last post and then I believe i would like to stick to the issues that I originally brought to the table here.
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And I hope the irony of my perspective versus the goings on here is not lost on him.
Words are never lost on me..... I believe we can learn from everyone in our lives, we don't have to like each other to have insightful advice.....
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I guess what I'm saying is, perceived flaws or superhuman strengths aside, Ian and his maker are the only ones who HAVE to face his choices 100%. And I'd be a hypocrite to sit here and cheer on the judgement-fest. So, I choose to encourage healing where I may. And I hope it comes to all of us soon.
Agreed..completely.. and there is always healing in these types of situations where things turn in a different direction then where they were originally going. I have learned that the threads that have this weird stuff....teach many lessons to those in need.
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Sorry. Had to share
Absolutely no need to apologize.......I never asked you to not post on my threads
It's all good BH and I am glad YOU are feeling better.
) that there was not an emotional affair and no...all you clucking chickens...it isn't me.
I think he speaks the truth here
seems more like she has a little of your gas in her tank. :drums: and :cymbals: ba dum dum!