ok, I caught a case of the what if's today and I don't know how to shake it.
perhaps my what if's come from dweling in the past...dwelling in the fact that h DID continue his r with ow after the first disclosure while denying it to me...dwelling on the he lied then..how do I know he's not lying now? dwelling in the...I was fooled then why should I not think I'm being fooled now? choosing for a short time to allow myself to be sucked into the world of LL is a dummy, LL is naive, LL is being fooled...looking at the positives and serching..wondering...were these same positives there before when h was lying?? sure some of them were but not all of them...are things different now?? should I believe what h says...he wouldn't have come back to lie?? but then so many do, don't they?? I want desperately to hash out these feelings right now...can't call h...(he's stressed enough today) can't call mother..she was cheated on repeatedly til she filed herself and is still bitter so she's a tad biased on things.
I want this feeling to go away... should I sit and think...well live as if he's being honest and IF one day you learn otherwise then ta hell with him then. or shut these thoughts (wich mostly they are just my thoughts as I have no "signs" telling me his IS lying about her anyway) and accept that it's for real?
at a loss as to how to truly deal with these feelings...I don't like that I now have to live as a woman who was betrayed (even if possibly not physically) and left but then returned to...but know that I can and will if it is all for the good...but to wake one day or answer the phone one afternoon to hear again something like this is happening?? will it be worth it??
I ask my mother if it was worth it for her...my dad had an a when she was preg with me...she kicked him out..eventually she had him back...life was shaky but they stayed together...eventually things seemed really good for them...til one night she decided to go meet him where he went on wed nights and ladi da there he was hand in hand with another woman...my mother did not have db but did some of the things listed...dad moved in and out...in and out...til mom couldn't wait any longer and filed...I ask her if she could do it over again would she have let him back the first time...she says no..(but then she's still not happy now so??)
I don't know why I'm rambling...just wish that the bad thoughts could go away.
I know it's not an easy road...just sometimes I wonder if h is "dealing" with things as well or if life is just tra la la for him and he's just waiting for me to "deal" with it all.
I don't know.
I know this post is rather negative and may be dissapointing for some...life is not peaches and cream...there is still struggle.
wondering if I should sneak out for a movie myself tonight...I did want to see Identity but wonder if h would be dissapointed...I know he would never say so as he has always let me do as I choose but I do notice that when I go out he seems lonley.
I don't know?
things are still good though...just my own "stuff" to deal with and I think it will be best if I keep this "stuff" to myself for a bit and maybe let the positives be a guide to help me through it without putting to much pressure on h for more reasurrances...what he does on his own is better received anyway.
