I hope the pony gets better, saffie. Thanks for dropping by even in the midst of chaos.
I am finding the censorship on this site increasingly heavy-handed, which is not really a moderator's role. If someone offers a perspective that isn't part of the DBing philosophy, then the moderator should clarify what the DB stance is on the issue and leave it at that. If people want to refer others to websites, books, whatever, then I don't see that as anyone else's business. Having said that, I spent a few minutes earlier on the site that must not be named, and found myself not too thrilled with the tone of some of the posts. Perhaps I'll be more appreciative after I spend time on the thread saffie recommended. In the meantime, I'm very happy to be here and not having to deal with all of this on my own.
D, why are you 'distracted and worried'? Splits in schools of thought happen all the time - look at all the different versions of churches that used to be one organization. Hopefully the worry is not caused by something out in the real world. I will try to find you again, but it seems that you are mostly posting on others' threads, not your own, hey?
Last night I just couldn't stand it anymore and there was sex. Initiated gently by my H and I just could not resist. Afterwards, he said that I wasn't 'sharing' him with anyone now, so I guess that means he broke off the online EA. I am going to ask him if he is signed on to any dating sites and if he has blocked her email address, etc., so she can't contact him anymore, but I will have to be careful to time that conversation properly.
I told him that he wasn't the only one that needed a second chance, that it had been a lot of years of only me being allowed to have feelings and him always having to keep his feelings to himself for fear of my reaction - looking back, I can see many instances where I was totally unappreciative, unreasonable - lots of 'uns' on my list. I told him that now it was his turn, that I would be the strong one and that he could tell me what was on his mind, even if he thought it would hurt me, that he could do what he needed to do (in terms of thinking about/working on stuff - he apologized for not 'being able to get his s--t together' and I hope he'll take some steps towards doing that - and that if it included talking to me, that would be great.
I also thanked him for not leaving in those years that he was so unhappy, because I'm sure he wanted to. I wish he had found a different way to deal with his unhappiness, but he could have tossed us all and run off with someone else, and then I wouldn't have had the years I did as a fulltime mother, I wouldn't have the luxury of working part time now - I really appreciate that he hung in as our provider. Yes, it's only what he should have been doing (after all, I didn't make the kids by myself) but I can still appreciate it.
I told him that I loved him, after acknowledging that it's not something he really wants to hear. He said that he could see that, and that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't be here. This last part was not said in a happy voice and I didn't take it as a declaration of any kind - it was more like a grudging acknowledgement that he does have some affection for me, even if it's not the 'in love' high he's looking for.
Of course, this morning he was withdrawn again, seemed surprised when I kissed him goodbye and left without making any attempt to kiss me goodbye a little while ago, when he dropped our boy off (I was working away from home today, attending a meeting that takes place every couple of months, so my H did the school driving today).
Apparently he's only going to be affectionate when he wants sex. I am going to have to find a way to live with that if I want to continue to hang in. Can see feeling used and getting angry pretty quickly. On the other hand, any contact is an opportunity to let him see that things are different now.
I don't understand why this is so much harder than the months when he was planning to leave. Is it only because I have some hope now? If I were a good buddhist, I would just let go of all desire, but since I'm not really a good anything (a little too rebellious to totally conform), I suppose I'll have to find a way to live with that too.
