slip sliding away

[saffie]

Ingrid,

I am going to be quite frank in this post, and we don't know one another, so I am sorry if I say anything that hurts you.

I have skim read this thread and it would appear to me that yoour H knows that he can walk over you.

I don't believe you are piecing. In piecing I personally think both parties to the R are wanting to be together, even if they are having trouble accomplishing that; your H doesn't seem so sure. I do think that may be though because he knows he can 'get away' with it. Piecing should be where both parties are pulling in the same direction and are 100% open and honest. It's the template for the rest of your M'd life.

I stand by what I said in an earlier post about you projecting your worries onto your Hand that doesn't help. I understand now though that perhaps it was just your gut instinct seeing as he IS having an EA- and that is not acceptable.

Even though I get very down about my H's A and still get angry etc two years on, I KNOW he is not cheating again and he leaves me in no doubt that he wants to be with me. I still think about leaving on odd occasions because of the hurt and my lack of trust - and he gives me no reason not to trust him now. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like for you having those feelings and him still giving you reasons NOT to trust him (((((HUGS))))) I am scared I stayed because I was too frightened of the alternative - even though I love my H.

I found that, after being on all manner of AD's and panic attack drugs and valium etc, after a year I wanted off. I lived my life in a fog and just couldn't move on. For me what worked was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I read a lot about it - particularly a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman,(who has also written Authentic Happiness), and found a good therapist. It has helped me move on from the wreck that tried to commit suicide in front of my four children, to a fully functioning, generally more articulate, (not that you would know it here), adult again. It has taught me how to cope. How to deal with the things I can and how to store away those things I can't deal with until a time in the future when I can. I know this sounds very simplistic, and I guess it is, but it has been hard for me to learn. I had to completely breakdown the way I naturally react in situations and re-learn what I do, to achieve the end result I need in order to be able to function. I fall back into old patterns horribly sometimes, but it gets easier with time.

The other thing I do, (and admittedly I have a H who wants to be with me and states that very much), is always have something nice to look forward to - even if it is a long way away - and make sure we talk about the future together...in a positive way. We talk about what we are going to be able to do when the kids leave home, (even though that thought scares the whatsit out of me), and what we will do when we retire - even though that is years away.

When things get really bad I chat online with my friends on the site that cannot be named as they are good fun as well as good advisors - and I chat to my GF's in real life about how to do away with our H's. We don't mean it but it does give us a laugh....things like sewing lead weights in their swimming trunks, etc.......you get the gist. I also go through periods of avoiding self help books and read alot of trash - thrillers etc - just to escape all the angst.

Through the other site you can also make contact by email with those you want to - so you could contact Light Seeker that way. I find her a tremendous support and we chat about mutual interests like the horses etc - sometimes that is just enough to keep you going just another day.

I think perhaps in your sitch, you may have to get to the point where you set strong boundaries and stick with them, however scary it gets, as your H just won't change at the moment - why should he....the past shows he has no need. I feel very sad to say that, but it's how it looks.

Good luck.