ms ladybug SQUISHED!

[TwinDad]

Ladybug,

seems like some pretty good positives. Him looking to take time off for the get together sounds good plus another opportunit for contact. It is prett sad about not making the donuts at daycare part...I couldn't imagine missing that, but I have a pretty flexible job. Keep that pride bundled up, you have been handling things well

[ms ladybug]

I think I screwed up last night. H called me on my way home from work to ask me a question. I noticed that he was calling from his parents house. I thought he was working, and must have stopped at his parents for dinner so I asked if he wanted me to bring by the kids for a bit. He said "sure". It wasn't until I got there and didn't see the police car, that I realized this was his day off. Now, it's going to be weird. If he was working, he'd only be there for a short time, and be able to kiss the kids, and leave. But, he wasn't working. The kids were acting up and d4 got put in a time-out (by h) for a bit. Then, I made a comment about getting them home and fed. I got to talking to his mom, and the kids were noisy (normal kid noise), and h interupted and said, "I have to dictate a report, they need to eat, so (hand motion to leave)". OK. I immediately got the kids and we left.
I feel like he got frustrated and WHY did I bring them over? My thinking was a quick visit while he was working. Stupid me.


H called me early this morning, while I was getting ready for work and told me that his prescription (to prevent complicated Migraines) ran out a few days ago, he hasn't been taking his meds and would I mind going through the drive-thru at Walgreens on my way to work and dropping off his meds at his parents house.

*Here's my thoughts...Walgreen's is down the street from where he's at. Yes, it's on my way to work, but seriously he is VERY close to Walgreens. I know he has a class this morning, and likely was running late, as always. It's not a money factor because his script is $1.95. Usually, I would complain that he tells me these things last minute and makes me late for work. In the past, I would complain because he would tell me on my way out that he needs a shirt ironed, dry cleaning dropped off, or meds picked up. I allow time in the morning for ONLY what I need to do to get myself and the kids ready...the rest I want to sleep, so I don't have ANY extra time in the morning. He always gets mad, "thanks for nothing. You only think of yourself, etc...)."

So, I said, "sure". I went to the drive-thru at Walgreen's but they weren't open yet. So, I called him and told him, and he said he'll pick it up later. I said, "OK, Bye." And he said, "thank you. Bye." It was pleasant.

I hate the weirdness.

[Dom R]

You were nice to him.
You were considerate of him.
You were cooperative with him.
You went out of your way to do something that he asked you to do, just because he asked politely for you to do it for him.

and... HE called YOU.



No need to double-think what you did; I think you are doing great!
[almost seems like the "wierdness" you are commenting on, is the two of you actually being nice to each other ]

Do you think you can keep it up?

I ask this, because you write as if this sort of thing is a major change of behaviour for you. You seem like you're not sure if you can/will keep doing it.
Seems to me, as though you should.

PS: are you going to check out that book?

[kerrysal]

Ms. Ladybug..

I hope you don't see this as an intrusion, but I've been lurking and reading your sitch since day 1 and I'm finding I just *can't* keep my mouth shut any longer. I truly mean no disrespect, but need to say this.

Your husband is abusive. Verbally, emotionally..you name it. A messy car, untidy house and kids that act like kids..those are reasons for him to treat you as he does? I'm sorry, but I can't begin to imagine why you would want him home. I keep seeing Dom telling you to apologize for this, apologize for that..are you freaking kidding me? You work & care for the kids, maintain the house, bills and he, what, goes to work? Can you not see this? He takes NO responsibility for how he talks to you, how he treats you..everything is YOUR fault. He is emotionally blackmailing you and you just take it, in fact, you ask for more.

I know this is a marriage 'saving' site, and I am 100% not trying to 'start' anything....however I see me in you with what you are putting up with and I had to say something, from my heart. I strongly suggest you look into some IC for you because you are NOT 100% to blame here, not by a longshot. You are walking on eggshells to make sure everything is as 'he' likes it..all the while he is trashing you & calling you selfish. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a mother. I truly apologize if I've offended you, but I can't believe everyone is sitting here telling you to apologize for everything all the while he's been nothing but NASTY to you...my god, why would you even want that back?

[ms ladybug]

Wow Kerrysal, brutal honesty. No offensive taken to your post, but good questions that I'm sure others are asking as well...

First of all, none of this is 100% my fault, nor is it 100% h's fault. We both contibuted to our marriage falling apart. I CANNOT control h. I CANNOT make him do anything, or be the person I want him to be. I CAN, however, control myself. I can decide on my actions and my words each and every moment of my life. And, at the end of the day, I can go to sleep knowing that I have been a wife and mother worth being proud of.

Also, it has been my stance, and will remain my stance that H is not going to be moving back home unless there are REAL changes on his end. That means he takes responsibility for his problems, addresses his contributions and begins to repair.

This goes back to me doing only what I can do. From your perspective, it may look like a doormat. In fact, it is far from it. I take control of myself, fix the things in me that need to be fixed, and allow God to control the rest. (That's actually the hard part).

[Dom R]

*Applause* !

[kerrysal]

Ms Ladybug,

I am relieved to the core that you saw what I posted was not in malice or meant to disrespect in any way. I came to this site in 2006 in desperate attempts to save a marriage gone terribly wrong. I applied the techniques and came to realize that my marriage was not meant to be saved, not as it was. My ex spoke to me much the way your husband does, and after almost 10 years of wondering why I could not be the person he needed me to be, I chose me. It is not for everyone, and I'm not advocating divorce at any means. My turning point came when my oldest daughter (6) told me that if I just kept telling daddy I was sorry and would try harder, maybe he would stop being mean. Talk about an eye-opener. I don't see you as a doormat, not by any means. You are trying, so..so very hard that I hurt for you that he will not give you an inch or recognize your accomplishments. Punishing you for not wanting to uproot your children and move so far away because...HE wants to and his friend is going? But you are the selfish one? So, what..he takes his ball and goes home like a scolded child?

I applaud you for perservering, but felt I had to speak up FOR YOU, as it seems you are getting a lot of the blame. Like you, I know I had my part in the issues I dealt with..but that fault did not make it OK for me to be on the receiving end of such rage, hatred-filled words and disrespect. Why would my kids listen to me or respect me when they saw their father do the opposite? It's all tied together.

I'm glad you are taking a stance that he can't come home yet. That shows how very strong you are as well as your strength in God. I TRULY admire that. I will continue to pray for your personal growth & continued strength. I'm sorry if it appears I've hijacked, as I said...i've read from day one and I've cried when you've cried and I felt I needed to remind you (as some of these days get so dark) that you are worthy of respect and kindness and true love.

In parting...one thing that I kept in the front of my mind while I went through this was...I am teaching my daughters how they should allow a man to treat them. What they should tolerate, what is "normal". I was *not* doing a good job. Remember that. Not only for your daughter, but for the son you are raising and what he is going to learn about how to treat a woman, a wife, a partner. It goes far beyond us. I wish you the best of luck.

Kerry

[ms ladybug]

OK Kerry, don't get all mushy on me now. Your post made me cry.

Thanks for chiming in, for praying for me, and being a part of my journey.

[Marcum]

your are in my prayers as well Lady B I am sorry for not writing much latly its just got a little dark around me as of late.

You are making steps to inprove, always the correct way to be. I realy hope he takes his head out of his butt and sees this.

[ms ladybug]

Well, I backslid today. I was talking to h about Fathers Day. Last week, he told me to make plans. So, I told him I was thinking about lunch with him and his parents. I asked what he thought, and he said, "I guess. This is just a little weird. You're acting like everythings OK, when it's not."
I said, " I know everythings not OK, but for Father's Day, I'd like the kids to be able to spend time with you."
He said, "Just make the plans and let me know what they are."

When I got off the phone with him, I was feeling really bad, and I sent him the following text "I know it doesn't mean anything to you anymore, but I still love you." I guess that wasn't the smartest thing to send.
His reply, was a text back "STOP IT". I fell apart.

I waited a couple hours and after making the reservations for Sunday, I send the text "Tokyo Steakhouse @ 1:30. Sorry about my previous text, I just got sad and sappy."


It's been such a hard day for me. I don't know why. I guess because d4 passed another level in swimming lessons, and h wasn't there to see it. I got a pedicure and an hour long full body massage today, and all I could think about was how I had no one to share it with.
I have no witness to my life and I miss my husband so much today.

He was very cold when he called to talk to the kids tonight. Very cold.

What's so wrong with telling my husband that I love him??
How do I act like I don't?

I'll see him tomorrow at his grandma's party. Now, I've made it all ackward.

I've really spent the entire day in tears.