Your husband has, in effect, locked his 'tiger' in a secure cage where no one can get hurt, either him or you. It's going to take some serious work to convince him that it is now safe -- for both of you -- to let it out again.
Thank you very much Bagheera for your lengthy reply and your encouragement. I can certainly understand what you mean about locking the tiger up. Before I met him, before he joined the church, his tiger was very much loose, so to speak (in fact I think he had a whole ambush of tigers and every one of them was running around very free!! LOL). I'm sure that was a reaction to the abuse he suffered. Once he became a christian, tiger was in the cage, and then we married and the padlock put firmly on.
I'm wondering if this is why he wants to be free at the moment - he wants to return to his old way of life which would not be something I could tolerate.
Originally Posted By: Bagheera
If he's seeing you as "desperate," then it's probably time for a course change -- this isn't the impression you want to make. Michele also talks about this in The SSM, where a pattern in which one of you is always the pursuer and the other the pursued (who usually says No), then you may need to back off and work to switch roles. I know it's hard to do, especially when you're trying to prove to him that you've changed your sexual stripes from that in years past, but appearing needy or desperate is the wrong signal to send right now.
I didn't realise I was being desperate - I thought I was being the dream wife! You're right though, and actually I can see that pattern very clearly. The more confident and adventurous I got, the less he seemed to notice. The less interested he was. I guess at the moment then I need to back off completely? Well, I already have as he's made it quite clear that it is off limits.
Someone else also said I needed to return to who I was 15 years ago... I am certainly trying. What I can't be is the kind of person who he hung out with before he met me - I'm wondering if that is who he thinks he needs now.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
which would not be something I could tolerate.
You're right though, and actually I can see that pattern very clearly. The more confident and adventurous I got, the less he seemed to notice. The less interested he was. I guess at the moment then I need to back off completely? Well, I already have as he's made it quite clear that it is off limits.