The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

Jack,

I know that there are some amazing people here who can help me, you being one of them as I have been reading your posts in Piecing. And yes, the ones who are not piecing have much to offer. I know beyond a doubt that if I hadn't come here, my marriage would have been over long ago.

FA

[fooled again]

Hi BFM,

I'm happy to see that you have stopped in to check up on me. I kindof of look up to you

I don't want to get into a dialogue about the motivations of the people running this site as these things tend to turn ugly and bitter very quickly, but I would like to say that we as users can always find a way to help each other and convey the info we have found to each other by working around the limitations set up here the same way we are doing in our lives and marriages.

I was planning to quote the info on that other site w/o specifically naming it in one of my posts as I truly believe it may help some others who have reached that point in their sitch to warrant an ultimatum, and should have done so but I was being lazy. After all, I'm not the first to refer to someone else's material - one of the posts that helped me the most was about the Six Stage of MLC, as outlined by Conway - a real sanity saver for me and many others.

FA

[fooled again]

cat,

I too have seen my sitch in yours (lurking but never posting on your thread) and I hear what you are saying loud and clear. You are no stick in the mud, you simply know what you know b/c of your sitch.

Don't want to be a stick in the mud, but at this point your H seems to be so involved with her that he will find himself unable to let go of her, my stbx was the same, not strong enough to tell me the truth nor tell her, didnt' want to hurt anyone (*sigh*) but ended up horrible hurting 2 women. My stbx waffled back and forth, between what he knew and his family and "doing right" by the ow, the guilt and the water works from ow just muddled the waters.

I think that my H was feeling this way for a very long time. My Ultimatum was meant to make him decide, once and for all, what kind of man he wanted to be. I know he felt indebted to OW, in fact he is still financially indebted to her (which must be remedied asap) and the guilt of hurting anyone has always been a problem for H. But it was time to pull off the band-aid and make him decide if he wanted to heal himself and get on with his life with me. He says he does, but I'm still waiting for actions...

Please understand that I am not criticizing anyone here in any way, shape or form, but I honestly believe that all the DBing in the world would not have ended his A or brought him home until he was either forced to choose or a choice was made for him by someone else. I don't know whether my H can do this, but as for me, I can't DB or wait or enable or coax or entice or be patient w/ H anymore - he's got to come home NOW and do this with me NOW and be a MAN and face reality. Or I am gone, forever...

Every sitch is different, despite the similarities we see or think we see, just as each of us are different and have to make peace with ourselves. I have made peace with myself and know what I have to do and how to do it, and maybe I knew all along but wasn't strong enough to face the possibility that my H would not choose me if he was forced to choose. DBing helped me get strong enough to put my foot down and know that I won't back down now and I'll be fine no matter what.

FA

[butterflymom]

Hi BFM,

I'm happy to see that you have stopped in to check up on me. I kindof of look up to you

FA

Stop, You're making me blush

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Stop, thats FA's job

Or is that breathing fast?

[Maya44]

Dirty boy!

[cat03]

Please understand that I am not criticizing anyone here in any way, shape or form, but I honestly believe that all the DBing in the world would not have ended his A or brought him home until he was either forced to choose or a choice was made for him by someone else

hmm, perhaps my post didn't come out the way I intended, I wasn't suggesting to just hang in there til the cows came home despite all the betrayals/lies, moreover, I was not aware your H is actually taking steps in the right direction.
I agreed with you, that the measure you took was the right one because your H needed to make up his mind.

[butterflymom]

Stop, thats FA's job

Or is that breathing fast?

Did you mean FW???

he does both, BTW.

[fooled again]

cat,

No, I believe I understood what you meant in your post.

I was just trying to make sure that sg, or whoever will be looking at my post (and deciding whether or not my comments are appropriate or abide by the methods described in DB or DR), won't come along and censor it. And that's all I have to say on that.

And my H has not actually taken any concrete steps as of yet. He is telling me what I want to hear, but again, I know these are just words and THIS TIME, THIS LAST TIME, words will not satisfy me, only the actions that correspond to my conditions. If H can't follow through, he can't follow through, and I will know that the time to get on w/ my life is now.

Your H made his decision, unfortunately, to LS, but he made a decision. Frankly, if my H made the same decision at this stage of the game, I believe that I would be just as content to get on w/ my life w/out him - I just really, really need to get on w/ my life. I'm not bitter or angry, really - it's like Michelle says, sometimes a M can't be saved; that's just the way it is. I'm ready to face that if that's how it has to be. I'm honestly okay with it - and I NEVER thought I would ever be able to say that

FA

[fooled again]

BFM,

I look up to you b/c of your ability to make peace w/ your sitch and continue to do what you felt was right for yourself. Just about every day I say to myself, "Live your life as though he is never coming back", something you told me. That "mantra", if you will, has given me the strength to realize that whether he comes back or not, I have to live my life.

Plus FW sounded so much like my H that I was unbelievably grateful that he was able to describe his feelings & thoughts, and that you were both able to do it in such a way that the rest of us could watch.

Okay, now I know I'm opening the door to innuendo, so bring it on!!!

FA