The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

cat,

I too have seen my sitch in yours (lurking but never posting on your thread) and I hear what you are saying loud and clear. You are no stick in the mud, you simply know what you know b/c of your sitch.

Don't want to be a stick in the mud, but at this point your H seems to be so involved with her that he will find himself unable to let go of her, my stbx was the same, not strong enough to tell me the truth nor tell her, didnt' want to hurt anyone (*sigh*) but ended up horrible hurting 2 women. My stbx waffled back and forth, between what he knew and his family and "doing right" by the ow, the guilt and the water works from ow just muddled the waters.

I think that my H was feeling this way for a very long time. My Ultimatum was meant to make him decide, once and for all, what kind of man he wanted to be. I know he felt indebted to OW, in fact he is still financially indebted to her (which must be remedied asap) and the guilt of hurting anyone has always been a problem for H. But it was time to pull off the band-aid and make him decide if he wanted to heal himself and get on with his life with me. He says he does, but I'm still waiting for actions...

Please understand that I am not criticizing anyone here in any way, shape or form, but I honestly believe that all the DBing in the world would not have ended his A or brought him home until he was either forced to choose or a choice was made for him by someone else. I don't know whether my H can do this, but as for me, I can't DB or wait or enable or coax or entice or be patient w/ H anymore - he's got to come home NOW and do this with me NOW and be a MAN and face reality. Or I am gone, forever...

Every sitch is different, despite the similarities we see or think we see, just as each of us are different and have to make peace with ourselves. I have made peace with myself and know what I have to do and how to do it, and maybe I knew all along but wasn't strong enough to face the possibility that my H would not choose me if he was forced to choose. DBing helped me get strong enough to put my foot down and know that I won't back down now and I'll be fine no matter what.

FA