I just wanted to chime in this morning. I read your whole sitch (at work so obviously not working much). Alot of what your going through I'm going through as well (feelings, the S, etc) Yours at least seems in a better place with decent communication and her contact first. I'm really bad at DBing even after a month and a half, but the one thing that rings true out of everything is "believe half of what you see and none of what you hear" when it comes to a WAS.
The texting thing worries me. My W is a huge texter and thats how her OM started. Even now, she drops of D4 and there's always text coming in. So I say now for you to make that a boundary of yours if it really bothers you. I never said a thing.
The rollercoaster ride will continue with your emotions. I see you have really good days and then something she does brings you down. I'm sure this will continue. At one point I was ready to file a D myself and then a week later, no matter how bad she makes me feel, I want to save the M.
I really think that DBing is going to help your sitch. I think you've got a shot and I hope this works out for you. I'll keep watching and hoping for you.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Well not sure how to react to this. Today she calls me and needs my address. And of course I ask why and she says she needs to fill out paperwork. I have a feeling she has filed and we are moving full steam ahead toward the big D. Nothing I can really do about it so guess I will continue on as normal
I'm sure others will have some better advice. She really seems confused and back and forth. She asks you to come over for a meal and then next says she has paperwork. From the short history, I wouldn't believe it until you see it. But you are reacting the correct way. You can't do anything about it. Good for you.
Reading you sitch has helped me too. I need to remember that I can't control anything my W does. If she's with OM, I can't do anything about it. If she's not being a good parent, I can't do anything to change her. You doing well, keep it up.
Keep posting.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I am not going to let it bother me, like you said don't believe it until I see the paperwork. Wish I could get into her mind and see what she is thinking, see what makes that complex machine of hers tick.
I appreciate you stopping by, when I feel comfortable offering up advice instead of just encouragement I will stop by everyone's sitch!
I am not going to let it bother me, like you said don't believe it until I see the paperwork. Wish I could get into her mind and see what she is thinking, see what makes that complex machine of hers tick.
I appreciate you stopping by, when I feel comfortable offering up advice instead of just encouragement I will stop by everyone's sitch!
Jonzy--if you get the papers, accept them, sign for them and continue on. If you let that paperwork upset you, or your wear your emotions about it on your sleeve for her to see, then you may as well just start back over at square one.
Well not sure how to react to this. Today she calls me and needs my address. And of course I ask why and she says she needs to fill out paperwork. I have a feeling she has filed and we are moving full steam ahead toward the big D. Nothing I can really do about it so guess I will continue on as normal
At the risk of repeating myself a jillion times, Ted, you really need to calmly ask her for clarification. If she is asking you for dinner and open to working on a new relationship with you, why is she sending you divorce papers?
Just ask one simple question. Figure out exactly how you want to word it, write it down, practice saying it, and then call her up and ask her.
Have a pen and paper with you, write down exactly what she says, pause, say "I see." then end the conversation, and post it to us.
I hear ya about wanting to read their minds. The one thing we need to remember is that they are just as confused and hurt and fearful as we are. It's difficult, but yeah, its true. Abbysdad was right when he said believe none of what you hear and less of what you see..... give her the space, realize you can't do anything about what SHE's doing (that one was the toughest for me...hurts to think she might be with another guy who is providing something I haven't in awhile for her), and do your own thing.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
I will try to come up with a way to ask her that question tink, just scared of what may be said
I think giving her the space she needs has been my biggest problem. I have told myself time again and again that if this has any chance of working at all I need to recognize all her needs and let her be. This gives me time to reflect on me and what I don't like so I can change ME. I wish I could change her but as we all know that is not going to happen.
This has been extremely hard but the more I read and re-read DR it all starts to make sense. So hopefully I will be able to apply all of this info to my sitch.
I appreciate all you guys and gals for your input, and tink I will not disappoint ya but give me time to word it right and be in the right mindset to ask it!
I think giving her the space she needs has been my biggest problem.
And yet you have been doing it so well!
Originally Posted By: jonzy
I have told myself time again and again that if this has any chance of working at all I need to recognize all her needs and let her be. This gives me time to reflect on me and what I don't like so I can change ME. I wish I could change her but as we all know that is not going to happen.
All very wise words.
Originally Posted By: jonzy
tink I will not disappoint ya but give me time to word it right and be in the right mindset to ask it!
LOL Don't worry about disappointing me. And yes give yourself the time to word it right, that's what the paper and pencil is for. And yes be in the right mindset. Perhaps wait until she initiates dinner (or backrub or whoopie, or movie etc) again and then calmly ask the question you have rehearsed (or have the paper in front of you by your end of the phone)
Just remember, there are a lot of people on this board whose spouses are only talking about D, not giving all these huge and frequent signs that they still want them.
Just a little update, wife called me for more information for her paperwork that she is filling out. Got a little frustrated but gave her all the info she needed.
Her moods are so eratic anymore it is scary. Talked to her just a minute ago and she got pissed at me. She had made plans a while ago to go to California for work and then stay for the 4th of July. She told me that my son was going back to Nebraska with his grandma. Which was no big deal but upset me that I had no say in the matter at all because my b-day is the 3rd and was hoping to have my son. Well we then supposedly agreed that my son was going back to Nebraska and se was going to Cali. Well then I made plans with my friends to either go to Cali or Vegas. She flipped out and said that I was going to keep my son that week, which we did not of course. So I tried to explain to her that I would have noone to watch him because everyone was going to be out of town and I can't miss work. Then she was irate because we thought of going to Cali, she thinks I am trying to stalk her so she canceled her extra stay there and decided to go to Nebraska because I won't be there lol.
So anyways that is where we stand at this moment she is pissed and I am trying to hold back. Just got a text from her now saying that she is not mad but I am so hard to talk to anymore...which is quite the opposite because I never talked before and I think she does not know how to handle it. All I do anymore is listen and then respond. Before it was not listen to anything and fight back. Who knows!!!
