Thanks, Sally and Beth.

I am actually not sure if x is hitting the bottle (it was my mom and upbringing that brought me to AlAnon). I just have no idea what his life consists of anymore, other than the limited time he spends with the kids, and his work schedule. He is home every day at 3:30...what he does with all that time is unknown.

I did finally get to that Grace, Dignity and Strength moment. I am still there. And I'm trying not to wonder about too far into the future.

I have been thinking about Billy Joel's song, the Stranger. I have "known" this man for more than 20 years, more than half of my life, my whole adult life...yet there was so much that I never knew about. I didn't live my life that way.

So, some concessions that I don't have to make anymore:

eating french-style string beans
not dancing at parties
sitting for hours every night in front of the tv
feeling bad for not wanting to ride on the highway on the motorcycle
being judged on my housekeeping
not being glared at for reading a book or looking at a magazine
not having to clean up "spray" around my toilet and sinks
not having to deal with nasty "white" laundry
not being able to find all the tools
having no planned budget
I don't have to sit there, wondering what is going on in his head
I don't have to feel bad about getting all dressed up and being disappointed that he doesn't notice
not being awakened in the middle of the night, for what doesn't seem to be out of love in hindsight
wincing at the anger and yelling at the kids
not being concerned as a passenger in the car with him driving with road rage
I can think about travel--anywhere!--without feeling guilty
becoming fearful about going into the city without him (he would always worry & try to disuade me)
I don't have to turn down invitations to social things or feel guilty going alone because he didn't want to go
I don't have to rely on his opinions of me for my own self-esteem and value

Now, obviously, some of these things are more important than others. The pluses I had in my marriage more than made up for the concessions made.

By and large, I was happy and content with my life before. I am grateful for all of the good years, memories, and most importantly, my children. As someone said to me, well, it was good while it lasted. Today will be good, too, just different.