I have been trying to let H twist in the wind...I don't think he enjoys it much. He called me Friday night after work. I had referred a couple from out of town to the restaurant he works at.
He thanked me ....and then of course continued on with how he doesn't know what to do. How he tried to make himself happy but that didn't work. How all he did was make everyone else in his life miserable.
He continued on about his job. How I hate the hours he works. Etc. I tried to tell him that at this point it doesn't matter how I feel about his job as we are not together. I feel bad he misses out on all of the kids' activities but he will have to deal with it in the long run. Not me.
He is a very confused puppy. Several times I tried to get off the phone with him as I didn't want to get into any deep discussions or arguments. He kept going on and on about how he has noone, nothing and how miserable his life is. All he has is this job he loves.
I wish he would open his eyes and see that he could have us all if he really wanted to fix things. I guess he either doesn't know how or doesn't want to. Whatever.
He came over Saturday and brought lunch. I had to work and couldn't talk to him for long but I did mention to him that my dad offered to have someone open the pool and get chemicals and I would like to do that.
The pool is part of the kids' social life in the summer. And although they are at camp during the day, it is the nights and weekends that they truly enjoy it. He got really upset. Telling me how we can't afford it. How he will be asked to maintain it and if he doesn't maintain it he will look like the bad guy.
I told him that I was not looking for money or help. I was just informing him of this. If he wants to use the pool he is welcome to. I just feel like I can't take one more thing away from these children.
He cried and cried. About the relationship with his children that is deteriorating. About his life. About everything. I felt so bad and told him how much I missed him and cared. I then had to leave for work. D13 said he slept in my room until he had to leave for work.
Meanwhile, the signed papers for the house are ready for him to pick up. I did make some changes to them and left the disclosure for him to fill out. I will let his atty tell him where to find them. I don't think the house will sell anytime soon, but if it does....it is God's will. It will also be what totally destroys s16 and d13 and I wonder how the relationship with H will be repaired. I can only pray.
In my conversation with him I can hear the conflict and confusion going on inside him. I just pray in can be resolved but won't count on it. He is in a bad state. Destroyed relationships and can't figure out if he should or if he can repair them.
Anyway, busy week for me. D13 has games every night this week and a tourny this weekend. S16 is busy working as a lifeguard and teaching swimming.
The pool is being opened today. I pray I did the right thing in doing so. Once again I am sure H will complain that I never listen to him and his opinion doesn't matter. After that I hope he comes and enjoys the pool.
Journaling: Yesterday was a tough day. S16 was done with his final and called that he completed sophomore year. He was so excited. He went home and not 10 minutes later he called me crying.
A neighbor of ours, who has been known to be rotten to some of the boys in the neighborhood, approached s16 and yelled at him (as he was about to mow the front lawn) about the fact that the lawn hadn't been mowed and the shrubs need to be cut and how he, the neighbor, was going to call the cops on s16 for this.
Well the neighbor walked away and s16 called me. Upset that this is on him. He works, studies hard, takes care of what he can....and these things that the neighbor was complaining about is what H used to take care of. S16 was devistated. He felt he let me down.
Anyway, my dad and cousin went and talked to neighbor. Told him off pretty good and then made sure s16 was ok. He really wasn't ok all night.
I spoke to another neighbor who will do anything he can for me to help me. I asked for him to trim one bush to get this guy calm and when I got back from d13's game last he had done it. I was so grateful. He and his wife also want to help with the pool and bought chemicals.
Anyway, this morning H called. D13 violated dress code (even though it is the last day of school). I told her not to call me if she doesn't pack a proper shirt. She called H..
So, I figured I better tell him about the incident with s16. H had broken up a fight between this neighbor and a 15 year old about 5 yrs ago. I didn't want to tell him to make him feel bad, I just wanted him to be aware and maybe he could help out a little around the yard.
Anyway, I told H the story and his first reaction was that S16 will hate him even more. I said that maybe s16 will realize he does need you....although unless H moves home and fixes our family, I don't know if s16 will ever acknowledge him.
H then started to get his "irish" up and said that tomorrow (he has to work today) he is going to speak to neighbor and tell him not to go near his family. At first he said not to go near my kids or my...you. Then later he said my family. He doesn't know what to refer to me as.
He called me after he dropped the shirt off for d13. Still fuming and still saying he will talk to this man tomorrow. I told him to talk to me first as I worry if he gets physical with him that this man will call the police. I also think my cousin told this man that H is not around and left....so I don't want the man to throw it H's way. Whatever.
I just wish my H would open his eyes and realize that all of his actions have come back to hurt our children. That s16 does not need this. He is a young man who should not have the responsibilities that he does. It is not fair. His father should be home with us and helping. It makes me so frustrated he is not.
So, I guess in one sense I am angry with H ...but in another sense, I have found help with the things I need to fix outside and don't need him as much as I thought. I don't know if this makes sense or not.....
I just wish that H realized that as much as he misses s16....is as much as we miss him. His hurt is no different.
Just coming off a strange weekend. Took friday off to catch up. Both kids had plans for the day and I had the day to get stuff done ....and have some time to myself. H tm'd me early in the morning. I did not see him at all...I didn't expect to.
On saturday d13 had a softball tourny. H couldn't make it do to work. D13 really wanted him to come on sunday to see her play but he told her he had to work. She tm'd him for a while practically begging him to come, but he only kept telling her he probably had to work...and apologizing to me for having to work but he needed the money.
We woke up sunday morning to find H sleeping in his car in the driveway. It totally startled us. We were headed over to d13's friend's house as her mom was taking her to the game because I had something to do with s16. It was only one game and d13 was happy to go with friends.
When I got back from dropping her off H had left. I tm'd him "Happy Father's Day." He tm'd me back that he would be spending it alone. I guess he didn't have to work after all.
D13 came home and slept for a while. I kept telling her she should tm her dad or call him and maybe they could do something, but she was upset with him and made a point to tell me.
S16 and I spent some time by the pool on father's day reminiscing about happy times when we would have a yard full of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents over for bar-b-ques. S16 was really so sad thinking that he will never have that again.
I truly think that his anger towards his father will only subside if H returns to the man that s16 respected. If he returns and makes things right with our family. Unless that happens, I highly doubt their relationship will repair anytime soon and I fear that d13 is right behind him in this feeling.
Anyway, H called me this morning asking if the kids got off to camp ok. S16 is lifeguarding and d13 is a counselor in training. We made small talk and I asked how work was for him...and he told me he didn't work. He hid. From the sounds of it...he probably hid with his MOW. Whatever.
We talked for a bit. He once again talking about the broken R with s16. How hurt he is. I guess he doesn't understand how hurt the kids and I are.
H complains he is making no money. THat business is bad at the restaurant. That he needs to sell the house. Well, I am sorry, but these are the consequences of the choices he made.
Right now, I am so focused on my kids. My H is keeping his distance and seems to have withdrawn into his world. It's too bad. He is certainly missing two wonderful children growing into young adults.....both of whom don't deserve the crap that has been thrown at them by their father.
I guess I am frustrated. I am trying to still be patient, but I realize now that my H is a lost cause. He will never do the work that is needed to heal our family and help our children. It is easier for him to erase the past and start fresh...no matter who gets hurt.
Snodderly, I have been reading about depression and you are right. I even think he is bi-polar from what I read. I also think that he is so far stuck in this, that he will never help himself find a way out. It is too hard.
Thanks for letting me vent. Snodderly, if you are out there, thank you for all of your time. You must be so tired of me.....and my overanalizing. I am trying to do better. My kids deserve that.
A, You can do nothing to fix the problem between your h and your son. If it is to be repaired, it will done on God's clock, not ours.
I'm sorry to hear about the neighbor, but if he were the right kind of neighbor, instead of threatening a young man, he would have offered to help pitch in to get the job done. It sounds to me that the man is a bully. Your son's studies and grades are far more important than the grass being mowed or the shrubs being pruned. A, when you open up and ask for help, people will come forward, but you have to let them know you need the assistance. Now that you've taken the first step in accepting help, I think you will discover that you have more neighbors than bullies.
Your kids deserve your full attention and love right now. They need your support and to know that you are there for them. As for your h, well...you know how I feel about him right now....he needs to find himself and maybe he will and maybe he won't, but you can't sit on the sidelines analyzing his every move. You have a life to live and believe me, life doesn't stand still for none of us.
Continue to move forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right. I can't fix the problem between H and son....but the rift is getting wider and I truly believe it is one of the reasons H is so stuck. H thought he would leave and everyone would be fine with it. Understand of all his reasons. Guess he didn't count on s16's anger.
S16 is smarter than that. He knows H is running from his responsibilities. Right now H is not a man s16 can respect. I truly think if H turned around and came home....it may take a while, but s16 would come around. I don't see any of it happening ever...to be honest.
Found out through a 3rd party (someone who anonymously called me) that H spent father's day at a hotel. Wish I knew who provided me with the info. I tend to think it is MOW but I have no proof. Whatever. I spend that day consoling d13 because her dad wasn't around for her tournament or to be with her....and he is off medicating with his gf. He told me he was hiding that day because of the pain he was feeling over s16.
I haven't and won't say anything to him about it. I bite my tongue when he complains how broke he is and then shows up on both days this weekend with new shirts on and can spend money on hotel when I have trouble finding money for groceries and am constantly having to rely on my father for food.
I just bite my tongue and chalk it up to him acting the way he did when he was 16. Looks and all. The clothes he had were from the store s16 shops at. Whatever. It truly is a cycle Snodderly. I wish he would realize that all of these things, the clothes, the gf, the tattoo, the hair styled the way it was when he was 16...are not going to work.
Anyway, he did come see d13 play saturday. He also stopped by to see her on sunday as well. I tried to keep my distance from him. I want him to know what it is like not to have me. It was funny, when I was outside yesterday he commented about my new hairstyle. Said it was pretty. Weird...I couldn't help but ask myself...what does he want?
Anyway, I am feeling very independent right now. S16 and I took care of the pool, worked on the lawn, did a lot of things this weekend that I relied on H for....I want him to know that I can survive without him. I have to wonder if he can survive without me. My C once told me that he feeds off my energy. Not sure if that is still true.
In my mind right now it is the kids and I and that's that. They are so fragile right now. S16 is lifeguarding and teaching swimming at the camp d13 is at and both of them came home the first week saying they want to go back next year. It is just what i wanted to hear.
They are having fun being kids. They are too busy to worry about their dad selling their house and the nonsense around them....and I am so happy about that. It is exactly what I wanted for them this summer.
I do feel bad that d13 only gets to see h on weekends now, but I will be honest, she tends to be really moody after spending time alone with him. I don't ask her what they do or talk about, but I get the feeling that something is said or done that bothers her.
Hard to believe, Snodderly, as I looked at my threads from last year around this time, you actually thought that my H missed home and would return. I know you can't predict the future, but I am sure your feeling has changed. My H is farther away than before and I don't know if he can get himself out of this to see his way home. I don't know if he wants to .
I found this on a thread that you wrote. I thought it was helpful. I think I identified 14 or 15 signs I see in my h.
I ran across some good information on the Male Depression Forum and wanted to share it w/you today because so many posters are questioning mlc and depression. I am listing the 26 signs of depression and I do believe you will find your spouses have quite a number of the symptoms. Here goes:
1. unable to sleep 2. unable to wake up 3. eat too much 4. eat too little 5. easily agitated 6. unable to muster any emotion 7. inability to keep the house clean 8. obsessiveness 9. inability to enjoy things at prior levels of enjoyment 10. over active sex life/inability to enjoy sex or have it 11 ruminating 12. fragile emotional state (crying is the easiest to spot) 13. engagement in dangerous activities (unsafe sex, drugs, dangerous behaviors like driving dangerously, standing on leges high up to just name a few) 14. loss of ability to keep up basic chores of ADL (activities of daily living--change clothes clean up, shave, bathe, clean house) 15. suffering in work performance 16. over focus on doing work (avoiding alance in lifestyle to hide mood) 17. angry (intensity, reason, control of anger) 18. abusiveness 19. DESCREASE INSIGHT THAT DEPRESSION IS OCCURING 20. withdrawal 21. maudlin (over emphasis on "woe" is me, the world or whatever) 22. violence to others, self, animals (linked to anger and attempts to manage sadness. This may not be linked with true hostile behaviors and should be taken in context) 23. suicidal 24. homicidal (again, taken in context with other symptoms) 25. decreased insight to reading others emotions and intents (again, link to oerall context. Depressed people see the worst in themselves, others, the situation far out of the proportion of the reality.) 26 psychosis (yes, depression in the extremes can and does cause a loss of touch of reality)
One of the most common things that depressives do (men especially) is to let it slide, wait for tomorrow, hope it goes away or just live with it.
Interesting reading. I hope this will help clear up some of the questions that posters have had about depression and mlc walking in tandem.
A, I'm glad that you are finding some helpful/useful information on those old postings.
I hope you had an enjoyable weekend and the bully neighbor is leaving you and your family alone.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A, I actually do still believe your h misses home and one day may want to return. If he didn't miss being around you and your children and yes, even the residence, he wouldn't come there. He's still very much attached to all of you.
As for the phone call, I wouldn't put much stock into it. If the caller wouldn't tell you their name, truth be told, it was a call to stir the pot up a bit. You can't be sure that the MOW or your h didn't do it, but then again, it could have been someone trying to push your buttons to see just where you are at this time. Game playing is another one of those habits I learned later in the crisis. They will put others up to call and leave strange messages, so, do not put a whole lot of thought into that call. As for the new shirts, he may have treated himself to some Father's Day sales. You can't assume anything w/these people when they are in crisis.
If and when the time comes, he may want to return, only you can decide whether or not you will want to try again. He may take entirely too long to come through the crisis and by then, you will have moved on completely or have met someone else. Or, on the other hand, he may not come completely through and want to be just friends and nothing more. He's still very "fresh" to the mlc crisis and the future if too far down the road to say he's stuck forever. So, until more time has passed, let's leave him in the present and allow him to muddle through his crisis on his own. Let's keep the focus on you and your family and pray that the future will be kind to him.
Enjoy your week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wishing you and everyone out there a Happy 4th. Hope you are enjoying the summer.
Me...I am taking things one day at a time and truly enjoying my kids this summer. Watching them have a great time...telling me camp stories and hanging with their friends in the evening.
As far as H is concerned...I had put him on the back burner. Hadn't thought or heard from him much since last week. He came by to take d13 out to lunch on saturday. I was out with s16 and didn't see him at all.
On sunday he called and asked if he could come by before work to see d13. I told him no problem. He came over for quite a while. We watched a baseball game and s16 even sat in the room and watched with us.... a small miracle.
H asked what we were doing for the holiday and i told him i was going to try to get tix for the minor league team in town. Not sure if s16 will be joining us (he may have a party to go to) but I thought it would be fun. H said that he could get great tix for free from work...he would just have to ck with his boss to see if they were available.
Upon hearing this...d13 asked if he would come with us and he said he would. I told him if he would prefer to take d13 with 2 other people (his parents, whoever) I would be fine with that. He said he wanted me (and s16 if available) to go.
H tried the dinner I made and took a nap...then ran to work. He asked if he could stop by after to see d13 if he got out early enough and I told him that would be fine as he now will not see her again until friday.
He sent a tm to me from work around 8 asking if I was hungry. I wasn't but invited him by to see d13. He came over and hung out. Did a lot of reminiscing with d13 about her birth, s16's birth and misc. other events in our life. Weird.
At one point I went into my room and when he asked why i was in there i told him that I thought he might want some alone time with d13 and I thought I would give it to him. He said he was enjoying the time we were spending and asked me to come back out.
All and all a nice evening. Couldn't help but think "what does he want" but kept that to myself. I am such a skeptic. Is it the new insurance card for eye care or something with the house papers....or is it just he wanted some time to hang. Whatever. Just gonna go with the flow.
We will see what happens for friday. Whether he gets the tix or not. I am sure hoping he does. Will be nice for d13. I know she truly enjoyed the time we spent last night. She was so herself again ....no sadness.... just being a kid.
I am praying for my H...i just don't know if he will ever do the work to come home. Last night felt so easy....but I know that it is not reality.
A, I hope that you and your family have a beautiful 4th of July. I pray that your h comes through with the tickets. It would be a huge disappointment for you children if he couldn't.
It sounds like he feels very comfortable at "home". I'd say, contiue to go w/the flow for now. I think he thinks the pressure is off of him for now w/everything going on. Just sit still and all will be revealed at some point in time.
Enjoy the week, as it is a short one for many!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
