A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[1hope]

So much for my nice evening. Dinner was mostly good, but during, H said "I'll be going either fishing, or north this weekend." I said "north?" He meant to the wild party town. I said oh, ok.... well that reminds me, are we going to be doing anything for the 4th?" "Because I would need to arrange for the time off work?" The Alien came alive!

I won't even bother to go into the horrible things that he said. The good thing was that as he was saying them I knew that they weren't true and it only reinforced to me how very wrong something is with him. Some of the things were so far off the mark I had a hard time not laughing. But I managed.

After that initial spew, he insisted that we sit together, watch a movie and "talk." So I did. I was proud that I was able to do that. Part of my strength came from the fact that the things he hit me with earlier were so far off the mark.

Anyway, he said that he does not want to leave the house, and he does not want me to leave, but just go our own way for awhile. He said that I need to spend some weekends away, stop being so glued (?) to him, so that he can be by himself and decide if he will "miss me." He agreed that he would not have any women to our home, and he does not want me out "screwing" (his word) other guys. OMG!

He said that he knows this is not fair to me, but it is how he feels. He also said that he knows there is a guy out there that can make me happier, and that I should think about that. He said that our marriage was in deep trouble before I got cancer; we had some bad fights etc., blah, blah, blah.

I realized this morning that there is a YMCA not too far from our house. I am going to get a membership, and check out a personal trainer. I can’t shop every day, I can’t sit in the bar like he does. This will be good for me, and keep me out of the house.

Hope your evening went better than mine.

[TwinDad]

Hey hope,

Sorry the alien got dropped off by the spaceship again. At least you kept your cool and didn't get caught up in his fight. Remember they are looking for any little excuse to start a fight or to justify their feelings. The good thing is that your H does seem to show some remorse afterwards....he knows something isn't right with him.

He also said that he knows there is a guy out there that can make me happier, and that I should think about that.

I can't tell you how many times by my W something like this. It is always you can do better than me. I always respond with something like "I have no doubt I can find someone else that will treat me very good, but that is my decision to make not yours; if I want you or want someone else....I want you"

He said that our marriage was in deep trouble before I got cancer; we had some bad fights etc., blah, blah, blah.

I always get a kick out of this. They always seem to have this romanticized view of what marriage is all about. I can't fault them, cause I imagine everyone at some point or another has had that viewpoint.

he does not want me out "screwing" (his word) other guys. OMG!

Being the quick witted and sarcastic person I can be, I would have had to bite my toungue off to keep from saying "you mean I have to stop" Not looking to make light of your sitch....just these off the mark things really bring out my devious side

My evening was pretty neutral. W went out with some friends to a local pub and texted me a few times throughout the night. I was just about ready to go to sleep (at 10) when she told me she was on her way home. So I decided to stay up a little and hang out with her. It was a fairly nice time curled up together.

She did have one semi-alien moment where she was messing around with the cord on her laptop trying to get it to work and said "I am about to get very angry". I just sat their and laughed and said "Honey its ok....would you like some help"

Exercising is always a good thing....it really does help with the stress and gives you more energy to deal with the crap.

Today we are leaving to go to the beach around noon and not getting back until Monday evening, so I doubt I will be able to check in much (if at all). I will try to send a couple friends your way to give you some ears to talk to.

[1hope]

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! You sure deserve it, and thinking about you together with your family gives me hope.

It was a close call a couple of times last night…re: not getting dragged into his fight. The good thing is that I managed to regain control and tough it out. Most of what he was saying was very painful, (shockingly so) and it did bring me to tears once or twice. He was disgusted by my tears, and ordered me to stop crying. “You can’t even talk without crying.” When I said, “well the things that you are saying are painful to me,” he said “do you think this isn’t painful to me?”
Wow!

I also tend to raise my voice when I am upset, and he usually responds by calling me a psycho. I started paying attention to that last night, and I realized that he usually says something, and when I start to respond, he cuts me off by talking over me. So I talk louder. My voice also rises in pitch when I get emotional. So last night, when he started with the psycho label I told him that it was emotion for me. I asked him to stop labeling me, and I pushed my “calm button.”

We did talk about a wide range of things, and it gave me a very strong sense that my H is really off his rocker. It WAS the Alien. He even told me that while he believes in God, he doesn’t believe that he will be able to golf or ride snowmobiles in Heaven. (WHAT?) Life is too short, and when we die we just go into the dirt.

Any doubt that he is in Major MLC was removed by the time we finished talking.

[peacetoday]

Hope
Yes sometimes our MLCers reveal their true craziness, so it good you can see it..I think it helps to know its not about us
peace

[1hope]

Peace,

I agree. On the days that it hurts so badly I have to remind myself to keep breathing, it is a great measure of comfort to realize this isn't about me.

[Neilh23]

1hope-
twindad and i have been discussing my sitch, and he asked me to pop in and say hi... if you need a shoulder to lay on, I will gladly use mine to replace his for the time being... i'm over in newcomers...

[1hope]

Neil,
Thank you. I'll take you up on that. It's Friday evening and I came home from work, had a quick cry and am feeling a little better now. I have to drive by our little Pub on my way home, and my H was already there by 4:15. I have so many mixed feelings. I am worried about his drinking. He was there yesterday after work until 11 pm. He came home so drunk that I am surprised he could climb the stairs to the bedroom. He had to get up and go to work today, and he told me what a big hangover he had. Yet he is there again right after work tonight. Besides being worried I am sad, because we would usually meet there on Friday evenings (pre MLC) and have a few drinks and dinner. It was our "night out." He doesn't want me there now, and although I worked up the courage to go there last Friday evening, I just can't face it this week. It's raining, I'm tired and I have already cried my makeup off. I don't want to be there if he doesn't want me there. I don't want to watch him drink himself numb.

I will check out your sitch in newcomers. Thanks for checking in on me.

[Neilh23]

Hope-
Remember, you can't control his actions. Only yours. the unfortunate thing is that he's carrying you along for his rollercoaster of a trip, and it's hurting you. You need to be strong.....
I sometimes wonder if my WAW is having a MLC...LOL.....so many abbreviations...

[1hope]

Neil,
Yes, so many abbreviations...but it's amazing that in a little more than 3 weeks of being here I can read them like a second language.

When I was reading your sitch I was wondering if your wife could be in MLC. It is so hard for me to get my arms around being a W and mother and yet walking out on my M. My 1st H was in a long term A with a friend/neighboor. I do not believe that is the case with 2nd H. I think he may have had a short EA with one of our couple friends, but I think mostly it is MLC triggered by my recent experience with breast cancer. He took very good care of me while I was sick. As soon as I completed treatment - he flipped out.

He is 43 acting out his early 30's. He is not a young 43, and he is not in good physical shape. I worry about the toll his intense partying will take. But I can say nothing.

I am trying to be strong. My close friends keep telling me how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel lost.