Bring on the Rain - Part 2

[SueS]

Ahhhh Sheila, you know that you always make me feel so much better don't you?

Thanks for stopping by too mzul. I know you're going through tough, tough times and I appreciate you taking the time for me.

Let's see, what's been going on? H got home last night from work and was nosey as could be. I was sitting on the deck talking on the phone to my sister and he lurked like you wouldn't believe! We took D4 to the park before it started raining. I saw a mom there with her 2 girls. We had some very small talk, but I really wanted to talk to her more. She wasn't wearing a ring and I just had this feeling that she's a single mom. Not that her being without a ring is a positive that she's single, but the way her girls & she interacted, it was just like they are all each other has. Her girls were 4 & 6. I would have talked more but H was nearby. It was weird for me. It was the first time that I'd really wanted to reach out and really talk to someone I didn't know. Make any sense? I guess D4 and I will have to go to that park more often. She said they live nearby and go there quite a bit. I started thinking about how I hope I have decent neighbors and how I'm going to have to force myself to meet new people. I'm not exactly the outgoing person I was when I was younger. I'll have to find some sort of a group to join. Oh, as the lady mentioned above was leaving the park, she said good-bye to me and said see you another time. Anyway, I was once again reminded of how much my H's wandering eye has bothered me all these years. Despite his true love & devotion for OW, he could NOT quit staring at this woman. She was a "girl next door" type. Very average. My H has always told me that he prefers women like that.

H hinted that he wanted sex last night and this morning. He acted grumpy this morning when I simply went into the bathroom to shower and didn't rush to his side. Last night D4 was scared of the storm we were getting. I let her lay with me and we both fell asleep. She was so sweet & snuggly.

H went to see an attorney today re: his DUI. I was amazed at how he kind of laughed at things. H said that this attorney said that at this point they will try to delay things & hope that it gets bogged down in the system and then they'd argue things to the point that hopefully the judge will just give him careless driving. H also said that the attorney will raise the argument that H is 41 and this is the first time he's ever been caught and also say that it was an isolated incident!! H also mentioned that he'd have to go for chemical dependency testing. He absolutely fails to see his drinking as any type of a problem. H's attorney is going to be a flat $2000 fee. That does not include a likely $1000 fine and possible court costs. H acted like the money was no big deal. Yet, again, he's behind on daycare!

I saw that my H has received a few more links to rentals from OW. H has also been searching for flights to Las Vegas. He and his brother had talked when we were back in IN about going there in July. My H is unbelievable!! The lack of concern about his soon to be split family is amazing. It seems to not be affecting him one single bit.

Well, D4 is bugging me like crazy to play some games. Time to go. Have a good evening.

SueS

[LL44]

I look at single moms completely differently now. I must be honest and say I have always 'judged' divorced people. Here I am. UGH

Go back to that park. Make a new friend. She will be thrilled as well.

Anyway, I was once again reminded of how much my H's wandering eye has bothered me all these years

Oh Sue. I couldn't agree more. I hate it. Makes me sick. Beyond disrespectful and actually pathetic, in many ways.

You are doing great!!! When are you going to start talking to D about moving and H possibly moving somewhere else?

How do you know about the links OW sends H by the way?

[SueS]

When are you going to start talking to D about moving and H possibly moving somewhere else?

How do you know about the links OW sends H by the way?

lwb - I'm not sure when we'll talk to her. She really doesn't have that concept of time yet. She always says "yesterday" and that to her means two weeks ago or actually just yesterday. I think it will be very close to our move. I want to look at some literature and see what advice I can find.

In answer to your other question....BUSTED. Yes, I snoop. I quit for a long time but I've been looking at the history on our pc lately just to get some clue as to what's going on in his life, as he tells me nothing. It's not painful anymore. It's annoying that he doesn't tell me anything but not painful. It's strange how I've gotten past the point of being devastated at seeing these things. I just want to know. It's funny because if I bring something up he's convinced that I've looked at his email. In the only thing close to a discussion that we've had, I mentioned links to rentals & love songs. I didn't see his email, just the history in the pc. I can tell when it's a link vs. him searching.

It's odd here again. H's couple of days of being cold seem to have passed. Maybe the visit with the attorney put him more at ease. He's called a couple of times tonight. This last time was to ask me to remind him to call his boss tomorrow morning about a deal that he has coming up and to tell me that he was running about 10 minutes late. He offered to make us breakfast in the morning. He usually takes D4 to daycare on Thursdays but I'm doing it tomorrow. He's going tomorrow to buy tickets to take D4 and I to "Walking with Dinosaurs" on Sat. He wanted to take her and asked if I wanted to go too. He'll probably see OW before work tomorrow too. Thursday seems to be their day....YUCK!

SueS

[LL44]

Oh girl, I wasn't scolding you for snooping! I was just curious how you were finding out. I would snoop too in your position just to have a CLUE what H was thinking. I'm down with you, girlie!!!

(((D4 and Sue)))

[LL44]

Sue, thought of you driving home last night. Carrie Underwood's "Next Time He Cheats" was on and the line "The next time that he cheats, oh, it won't be on me........." rang true for me last night. I love that I don't have the worry of H cheating on me anymore, let someone else have that fear for awhile. Same with your H, my friend. Let OW worry about his life, his morals, his moods.......

((Sue and D4))

[fightingirish]

(((sues)))

So glad you are moving forward. and definately go back to that park and strike up another covo with her!! It would be good for you and your D to have other friends, and she is close!!

[SueS]

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

lwb- I heard Carrie Underwood on the radio the other day too. CRANKED IT UP! Yes, I won't be the one worrying next time either. And, given the history, there will be a next time. Have you heard the Keith Urban/Nelly Furtado song "In God's Hands"? That comes close to home. The other day H, D4 and I were all in the car together and "Goodbye to You" came on.

So, despite the fact that my H did absolutely nothing to help D4 get a Mother's Day gift and/or a card AND, despite the fact that we spent Mother's Day driving from IN to MN with H being hungover.... I have decided to take the high road and help D4 get a gift for her H. H is a HUGE Chicago Cubs fan. We found a picture (although not very expensive) of Wrigley Field that she is going to give him. She watches the games with him and is very excited about it.

H did do a good thing yesterday and he attended the "Father's Day Dessert" event at D4's daycare. It was the highlight of her day. After that, D4 and I went to the store and loaded up at the fruit sale. Thankfully, D4 is a fruit and veggie lover. It was so cute to watch her helping me clean everything.

When H got home from work last night, he went in to get dressed to go work out. He set his wallet & phone down and walked into the bedroom. I heard D4 say, who are you calling? I didn't think much of it at first until I realized that his phone was sitting on the shelf. Then I heard D4 ask what he was doing with mommy's phone. He told her to shush. H was snooping in my phone. I was tempted to go in and bust him, but I just acted like I hadn't heard anything. I had a feeling he looked at my phone from time to time but I wasn't sure.

Well, this is one of those weekends that H will be around all weekend. We'll see how it goes. Appears that he's not moving out for at least another 2 weeks. He wants to do our typical 2 week grocery shopping trip on Sunday morning.

Hi tal!!

Have a good weekend everyone.

-SueS

[NoCodeBlues]

((((Sue))))

Rascal Flatts' "Stand" is a good one for picking you up.

Right now I've been enjoying Brad Paisely's "I'll Take You Back" (It's a hoot! )

Thinking of you, Junior.

[karen43]

lwb- I heard Carrie Underwood on the radio the other day too. CRANKED IT UP! Yes, I won't be the one worrying next time either. And, given the history, there will be a next time. Have you heard the Keith Urban/Nelly Furtado song "In God's Hands"? That comes close to home. The other day H, D4 and I were all in the car together and "Goodbye to You" came on.

-SueS

Hope you're having a good weekend too! Sue,thanks for the tip on the "In God's Hands" song. It's so beautiful, but so sad. I really have noticed lots of songs about cheating--I really think there must be an epidemic of it or something. I was listening to the local radio the other day and the Carrie Underwood came on and then right after the "Take A Bow" song also about a cheating bf or H! Karen

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

NoCode- I love the Rascal Flatts song "Stand". However, listening to them reminds me of songs that OW has sent to H and for some reason I have a hard time listening to them now. Karen- Thanks for the "Take a Bow" song. I haven't heard that. I'll have to give it a listen. I did look up the lyrics. Sounds good.

Journaling.......
The weekend was hard. I guess maybe I'm on a bit of a down swing right now....a little pity party. We didn't do much on Friday evening. We had some dinner & just hung out watching movies. H tried to initate sex and I have to admit that I was weak and gave in this time. He kissed me for the first time in months. He slept in our bed. But, his actions on Saturday just gave Sue a big old reminder of how it's all about him.

On Sat. morning we took D4 to "Walking with Dinosaurs". It was really great and a surprise for her. She couldn't stop smiling. We had fun. When we got home, I cleaned up the kitchen & then D4 and I went for a walk. His phone rang before we left but he wouldn't answer it. When we got back from our walk, we surprised him by coming in a different door. He was on the deck, quickly got off his phone and acted like he was sweeping & cleaning up the deck. I'm not stupid. He NEVER cleans that. From about that time on, H was very, very grumpy. It was a time that I kept saying to myself....When will this end?...When will I have peace? H made dinner Sat. night, but again, was very short with me. H had promised D4 that we would take her for ice cream that night, so we did. After we got home and I got D4 to sleep, H laid down in our room. He flipped & flopped around, sighing several times. I guess he expected me to initiate things with him. When I didn't, he got visibly irritated & took his pillows out into the den & slept in there. There was that reminder that it's all about H. Why does he try to make me feel so guilty for not initiating when he's the one having an A, sleeping with OW and planning a new life with her?

On Sunday we got up and D4 gave her Father's Day gift to H. She was very excited about it. H told her thank you for the gift. It was a picture of Wrigley Field. It hurt when she asked where he was going to hang it. Again, a reminder that the poor little one has no idea that her life will change drastically soon. We went grocery shopping and then just came back home. He was still quiet & fell asleep on the couch. D4 and I did a few things around home & then ended up taking a nap too. She and I never do that and it felt good to snuggle with her. Not much else. Just seeing H jump on & off the pc most of the day for more reminders of his A and our upcoming split.

I've been trying hard not to be so emotional but the past couple of days have been hard. One minute I think of how soon H will be living with OW, waking up with her each morning & the things that they'll do. Then the next minute I think of how I won't have to deal with H being cold and giving me those daily reminders of his selfishness. Over the weekend he talked more about how his DUI had cost him a trip to Vegas & Phoenix in July. Another reminder of how self-centered he is. He talked about how if he didn't have to spend money for an attorney that he'd be spending time in Vegas & in Phoenix with his brother in July. At one point we were sitting on the deck this weekend and he had his shirt off getting sun. D4 told him to put his shirt on and that no one wanted to see him like that. He said, D4, trust me, there are plenty of people that would like to see this. YUCK! His self centered attitude made my stomach turn. When I look at my H, I do see a physcially attractive man. Then I stop and think about how unattractive he can be too. Not physically, but in the things he does & says. I read on one of SallyM's posts from a few months back how her H had at one time told her that she was boring. Now, we all know that's not true. Anyway, it reminded me of my H telling me that I'm a cracker, with not salt. In other words, dull & boring. I told him that I'm the one that he know is good for him, but not exciting enough for him. I also started thinking about the times that I bailed him out & covered for him with his drinking. When we lived in IL, I drove 30 miles (with D4 - 12 mos. old at the time) in the car at 11:00 pm to pick him up from a concert that he'd been kicked out of. Security had called me and told me that they wouldn't let him leave without being picked up. I think of him getting so angry & kicking our door in when I was a few mos. pregnant because I accidently locked us out. And of course, I think of the recent incident when he laid on D4 and didn't even know what he'd done.

Speaking of his drinking, he hadn't had a drop in 2 weeks. On Sat., he bought some wine & when that was gone, he wanted more. He saw someone carrying a 12-pack of beer into our building and said that he should ask them where the party is. It hasn't ended and it won't end.

Well, enough of my rambling. Have a good day everyone.

SueS