Hey Brian, okay, first off, my disclaimer...I am not a professional. I am a woman. This is all simply my best swag (sophisticated wild *ss guess). Take it for what it's worth, ponder, then make your own choices, & the best of luck brotha. LOL (sorry, couldn't resist)
<<She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?"
This is female speak for "tell me I'm not a bitch, & that you're not happier without me".
<<I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that."
This said to her "I can see how you think you're a bitch & there may be another woman in my life".
<<She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now."
Female speak for; "Please tell me that I wasn't a pain in your ars".
<< I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before."
This is excellent. Good job, high five dude. Score bonus points for consistency.
<<She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
she's saying "What the hell have I done & is this really what I want". and "what if I've lost you, then what".
<<She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing."
female thinking, it was the last straw, everything piled up & I bailed out.
<<I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger.
bonus points for you.
<<She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
that was all fine from my book. Nobody wants to play limbo, they want to make sure they make a good decision this time cause they f'd it up last time.
<<I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I understand the financial stuff can't wait, but the R talk, stop this right now. Wait, watch. Let her tell you when she wants to sit down & re-evaluate. Let her run the show.
<<She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now.
Women ALWAYS feel better after a conversation in which they have been heard, validated & supported.
My advice; (I don't know how it matches up with DB principles, I know that I'm still with my H because he said all these things below hundreds of times, over 12 months to me)
When she brings up the R, or the lease, or the mistakes, or how she screwed things up, or the bed she made, or anything, you say
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Then you wait some more.
okay ?
hugs.
IMO--you are the chittt..and that's a big compliment..not a cut or 2x4.
This was excellant.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/12/0810:05 AM.
