Forestt We are in similar sitchs. my wife did the same thing to me for the last several years about things. I thought she was nagging, but in reality she was communicating to me about stuff that needed to be changed. Its frustrating now because we get it, and we can look back and see what we lost by not truly listening to them. And it's very painful. And we want to fix it right NOW and know we can be different. But our WAWs are afraid that we really will fall back into our old habits.But, as many people say on here...patience is key, and time is really on our side. Even when it appears to be moving like molasses in the middle of winter. Keep making yourself better....I truly believe that the WAS really do want to see the changes but are afraid to recommit so that we don't fall back into the same old trap!
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
I am sorry for your sitch. Have read most of it and I understand why you are confussed. WAW do the stangest things and most of the time we LBS read way too much into their actions. I have a hard time detaching also, but until you do everything she says and does you will question and drive yourself crazy. You cannot control her actions only your own. If there is OM accusing her of this will only make him more attactive and she will want to be with him more. Keep up with GAL and having fun with you kids. Remember DB is to make you a better person and if you get your wife back that is a bonus.
Just a quick update. During the fallout me and the wife had she had mentioned that she is open to a relationship with me but it would be different for a while. I like to think this is a good sign but I am not going to get my hopes up. I am trying my hardest to detach but it is extremely difficult. I have decided that I will make her do all the contacting unless it is something with the kids.
Tuesday the wife called to ask if I was still mad at her. I told her of course I am not mad at you. We then proceeded to just make small talk as she was telling me about her day and the such. She then asked me if I would like to come over this weekend for my favorite meal. So my question here is do I accept the invitation or should I politely decline?
Just a quick update. During the fallout me and the wife had she had mentioned that she is open to a relationship with me but it would be different for a while...She then asked me if I would like to come over this weekend for my favorite meal. So my question here is do I accept the invitation or should I politely decline?
Hi,
When did she mention this (open to a relationship) and how did it come up and exactly what did she say?
Also, when she asked you about dinner, what did you say?
Well the whole relationship came about after the argument we had. She told me that she wants time to think and have her space. She said she would be open to a relationship at some point in time but that it would be different for a while. I am not getting my hopes up about this, I am just going to keep it cool and keep on GAL'ing.
As for the dinner I told her that was nice and all but that she doesn't have to cook anything for me. I never told her that I was going to co over or not, I would like to but I am going to see if she invites me again. What do you think?
Hi I think it sounds like you need to put your old relationship to rest and start over with a new and improved relationship.
Accept her invitation to dinner and visualize a pleasant evening for the both of you.
A couple of things to prepare in advance for:
If for any reason she gets angry and reverts to her "divorce paper" threats, remain calm (breathe deeply), and say I understand you are upset. I can't work through things with you if divorce is going to be threatened whenever things aren't going your way. But if you want to talk about it I'd be happy to work things out with you. But I can't if I'm going to be threatened.
Also if she texts more than once while you are there, politely excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and stay there for a long time.
Cool off and let her realize something's up. When she comes to check on you, come back to the table.
If she starts texting again, say maybe this isn't a good time for you, I'll go now. If she still won't put the texting away, say look I appreciate the dinner but you are not the only one who wants a different relationship together. I will focus on you if you will focus on me.
Also DON'T SLEEP WITH HER. She's obviously open to this and that's very good. But you need to get on an even keel with her.
It would really feel bad to sleep with her and then the next thing you know she's being mysterious and suspicious or getting angry and threatening divorce a day or week later.
Things have to progress where you can trust that you are officially committed to working on things together.
P.S. I'm still for the one passionate kiss scenario just before you leave. (hopefully after a lovely evening, but even if you have to leave because of the texting or divorce threatening)
I agree with Tink. Accept the invitation to dinner but know your boundries before you go there. Texting during dinner or a movie is rude and you should not put up with it. I would ask her to stop and if she doesn't I would tell her dinner was nice but I see you have more important things to do and that you have other things to do also, say thank you and leave.
If she gets mad so be it but atleast she will know that you were serious and do not like being ignored or taken for granted.
As for a different type of relationship, this is exactly what you want. Why go back to the old one that did not work. New is better and hopfully will work.
I'm going to reiterate some things I told you earlier on your other thread.
You have a wife who got burned out on a life that was not turning out the way she expected it to. You both got busy, you got so busy you were gone or occupied alot. Kids came into the picture taking even more time away from the two of you. She tried communicating (albeit not so effectively) and eventually she decided nothing was going to change and that she didn't want to live that way anymore.
My advice to you was to win her back. To court her in a manner of speaking, much like you must have done when the two of you first met and fell in love.
I have to tell you that nothing your wife has said or done since then makes me see this any differently.
Now you have her explicitly telling you that she wants a relationship with you, but that she wants it to be different. That means she doesn't want the "same old" back. Keep that fact in mind always. She does NOT want the old marriage back.
Now, you love this woman. And I believe that she loves the Jonzy she married. You have no reason to believe she has reached out to another man. You have no reason to believe that he is disgusted by you and wants nothing to do with you.
You don't need to be going dark. You don't need to be cutting yourself out of her life under the guise of some "technique" that is going to make you appear mysterious enough that she wants you back.
Correct the patterns of behavior that went wrong, then BE YOURSELF.
If she invites you to dinner, she is reaching out. To play coy or outright refuse sends the message that you either are uninterested or you're just being spiteful.
There is really only one restriction on you at this point. STAY AWAY from appearing needy and helpless by talking about your relationship needs or wants.
You can even ask her out AT SOME POINT, though I think it's a bit too early for that right now.
Pay attention to her, listen to her, read her the same way you used to read her when you were falling in love and she was the object of your attention. You will be able to pick up on when she is feeling open to more time with you.
Interact peacefully with her in EVERY matter. Be flexible, be aggreeable about arrangements whenever possible.
Flippin COURT HER! Do you get what I'm saying? Help her to fall madly in love with you all over again.
When you were dating, if she asked you over for dinner would you have hesitated for even one second? Of course not. So why would you now?
Be you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
