Onward and upward

[mishka422]

(((Grace)))))(((((((Lisa))))))))((((((((Jeff))))))))

You are all such wonderful, uplifting people. I'm really trying to find my way through all of these emotions that keep flowing out of me. It's getting a little deep in here.

On Monday H came and took S13 out to lunch. He told him he would take him to karate on Wednesday since he's off work tonight. When I got home from work I asked my son if he had confirmed with his dad about tonight. He started to say that dad promised he's take him but I gave him that "mom" look and he stopped. I reminded him of the last two times his dad said he would take him and no showed and I had to take him last minute and he was almost late. S then called his dad....straight to voicemail. I told him we had to leave in 3 minutes if he couldn't reach his dad. I tried to call him too. Straight to VM again. I took him to karate and let him go in without me so I could cool down in the car. I managed to get myself together enough to call H again. This time he answered and sounded out of breath. I didn't lay into him, I didn't immediately tell him he forgot his son. The conversation was:

M - Where are you?
H - Where am I? I'm just now getting home, why? (home...puke!)
M - Oh, from where?
H - I was helping a friend move. (Yeah, probably another one of the guys he's encouraged to leave his family like he did the other guy since it's just so great to not have any reponsibilities and not have to take care of "the kid" anymore)
M - Oh, really.
H - Why? Oh.......SH!T!!! Karate! I'm sorry, I totally forgot. SH!T!!! Oh, I'm sorry.
M - I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to.
H - I know. Crap, I'll call him right now.
M - He's in karate class right now and his phone is at home.
H - CRAP!
M - I would appreciate it if you wouldn't promise to do anything for him since you find it so difficult to follow through. S13 was very disappointed when he realized you weren't coming for the third time in 2 weeks. He also had your father's day card all ready for you since he knew he wouldn't be seeing you.
H - Fine. I'll call him as soon as he gets home. I'm really sorry.
M - Ok. Fine. Goodbye.

I held it together pretty well. Used a very polite but not condecending voice tone. I hope it came across to him that way. I really don't need him to have his back up.

H is a total mess. I stopped reminding him of things when he left so now he is on his own and suffers, as he always has, from CRS - Can't Remember Sh!t.

I'm so mad at him. I don't care that I had to take S13 to karate. I actually enjoy seeing his classes but he has done this to his son too many times now. It's totally unacceptable. S and I had a talk on the way home. I asked him how he honestly felt about his dad not showing up. My son is not forthcoming with his emotions (Aspberger's syndrome so he doesn't process like most)and he just said that it was fine. No problem. I had to instruct him then that if he is honestly fine with it then to go ahead and tell his dad that when he talks to him but to know that he can expect this again and again in the future because he will have shown him that breaking promises to people is acceptable. I used it as a lesson to him in courtesy and respect. I talked to him about the importance of following through when you promise to do something for someone or at least having the decency to call and tell the person you won't be able to make it, in advance with plausible reasons.

S understood the point I was making to him. I hope he can retain it. I would hate for him to take his dad's example and apply it to his life. I don't want him taking any of his dad's examples of manhood into his adult life if I can help it. Gee, it's ok to cheat, lie, abandon, humiliate, and throw away the people you love. They're all expendible, collateral damage on your way to your own happiness. Go ahead, squash them all like the nasty varmints they are.

Ok, rant done. So much for my new day, new attitude, huh?

Gees. One mess up from H and I'm back in the dumps. Ok, PMS is sure a bi&ch.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[glamgirl]

Mishka maybe just forget pointing out to h what he has missed. Sometimes they just need to realize on there own how irresponsible they are.

Or a simple conversation like h did you forget tonight you were suppose to take s to karate and then leave it alone and say it in a loving supportive way.

Just a thought!

[mishka422]

Glam,

I wish I could just gloss over it all and forget what an inconsiderate JA he is. I used to just let it go when we were together. There was always next time. He'd remember next time. He won't always have to be reminded 10 times to do something that is a weekly occurence. WRONG! This is him. He's been like this for a number of years, not just since the bomb. He checked out of our M a long time ago but I was too stupid and wrapped up in just surviving day to day to see it.

I love my H with my whole soul but watching him further damage our son with his selfish disregard for his feelings is ripping me apart. I just can't stand it and it brings out the momma bear protective instinct in me. I want to lash out at him for hurting my baby. I know it's not right, but that's what I want. I think the way I spoke to him tonight was actually a huge improvement over the way I would have reacted 6 months ago. I'm pretty happy about that. I didn't talk down to him, I let him realize what he had forgotten on his own, I asked him to please stop promising our son things that he couldn't follow through on. Simple. I asked him these things for our son, not for me. I'm the one that has to watch his face light up when he tells me what his dad is going to do for him, with him, etc.. I'm also the one that has to pick him up when his dad disappoints him yet again.

H has been texting me tonight.

H-Hey there chica. sleep well.
M - trying to. no luck.
H - let the dog in bed with you (oh yeah - like the 10lb dog is going to comfort me more than my H in my bed would!)
M - he won't stay. jumps around, jingles, and gets down. not cold enough anymore.
H - the cops are coming to break up the party across the street.
M - thank heavens. i was just going to mention that to you. loud and the dog keeps barking at them.
H - well someone called for you. Maybe you can sleep now.
M - Maybe. I'm going to try again now. TTFN
H - Ok chica. goodnight.

Friendly banter. H is still listening to his police radio all night apparently. OW must be at work tonight. GET A DARNED LIFE! I think he listens to it to hear her voice! UUGGGHHH!! She's a dispatcher. I think I'm going to hurl! OK....STOP SIGN STOP SIGN STOP SIGN!!!!!!

[AliSuddenly]

I disagree, he showed concern for you there.. could you see that? He reassured you "the cops are coming to break up the party across the street" - that is sweet I think, he is showing some sense of responsibility for you and he wished you sleep well.

If I were seeing someone and I found out they were texting their ex (sorry) wishing them goodnight, I would want to know what the hell they were doing that for !? And I agree with Glamgirl about getting on his case about your son, I'm sure it hurts like hell to see him treat him that way but he can only figure it out for himself. Getting sniffy with him will not further your case, it will pile more guit onto him and drive home that he is useless.

I think you need to rethink your strategy regarding this and resolve to handle it a certain way. If you feel angry at him, DONT call him, call a friend/your Mum or whatever and let it out on them, before you call him. I thik you should just state the facts then be quiet...let the penny drop in his own mind, like "you were due to take S to karate tonight" - but in a calm voice, not a let down, hurt, resentful or whatever voice!

As I have said before, if we are going to get through this, you need acting skills. These guys cant handle our true feelings, emotions, so if we want to stay close to them, you have to become like them - weear a mask, dont let them see whats really going on in your mind/heart. Beat them at their own game :-)

Ali xxx

[mishka422]

I'm a terrible actress. Always have been. I feel like a total fraud being happy go lucky when everything is destroyed inside me. I'm trying really hard. Really, I am. Mama bear came out to protect her cub faster than the W trying to save her M did.

Honestly, the words I used with him weren't harsh but they weren't uplifting to him either.

I did try to call 3 friends before I called him but no one was answering. I did make sure I calmed down a lot before I called him though. If I didn't I probably would have ripped into him for upsetting his son and everything else he's done and continues to do. Thankfully, I'm learning......S L O W L Y!!

[Grace_O]

((((Mishka))))

How about having an agreement with your son that when his Dad has said he'll take him to karate, if he isn't there to pick him up by a given time (the last minute you have to leave for example), you'll take him. Then let S13 call him later (if he chooses). At 13 (even with Aspbergers) he's going to have to figue out a way to talk to his Dad. The "everything is fine" thing sounds like alot of teenagers. I know my D16 wouldn't say sh!t if she had a mouthful (esp about sitch here at home). The relationship they have is theirs to figure out and your H is responsible for that R. You can't fix it and you really (IMO)shouldn't try. It just creates alot of resentment. I know how hard it is to watch the kids hurt. That's why I like the backup plan route.
I know you'll find a way that works best for you. Hang in there.





Give yourself credit for the improvements you have made. It's all hard esp with kids.

[mishka422]

Thanks Grace. That actually sounds like it might work. The only problem with it is that I can't make any plans for nights when H claims he's going to take S13 to karate. I have been trying to join a small group bible study but I can't because H is so unreliable. I don't want my son to feel like he's 2nd place because I've made plans already but maybe that's how he'll learn. What do you think?

I do need to advice ASAP please. I'm biting my tongue and sitting on my hands to keep from calling or texting H about this one.

I called S13 to make sure he was up (otherwise he sleeps till noon!) and to ask him to unload the dishwasher. When he answered and I asked what he was doing he told me that he was with his dad and they went to Panda Express for lunch. Excuse me? H did not call or text me to tell me he was picking up our son. What if I hadn't called him and I got home from picking up my mom from dialysis and he wasn't here? I would have freaked out that something had happened to him. I want to tell H that he needs to let me know if he's going to pick up our son to take him out somewhere so I know where he's at but now I'm second guessing everything I say or do for fear that he's going to think I'm criticizing him.

This is a safety issue, not a control issue. I don't care if he comes and takes him out. Actually, I think it's great that he did, but he needs to let me know.

How do I approach this?

[mishka422]

^^bump^^

Really need some advice here folks before my itchy fingers get me in trouble.

[One Day]

Hey Mishka!

No texting- just give me a few minutes to catch up!

L. xx

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hmmm, that could be touchy. I have to think. And get ready for a meeting. I will post later, though. For now, quiet!

(((((Mishka)))))