Good to hear from you. Yes, I'm focusing on what I can control and not worrying about what I can't. My W is in her own world and if you read our exchange earlier in this thread, you can see she is still pointing the finger at me.
So, what did I choose to do? Take accountability for what I'm responsible for and that is that. I'm really not afraid of her deposition as I'll own up to what I've done. I have to b/c I am responsible.
The interaction was a bit of a thaw, but I still see us getting the D. I'm pretty confident that if we get back together it will either be w/ W asking for an 11th-hour stay of my signing the papers or after we're D, then she'll realize that wasn't what she wanted after all. Or, neither will happen.
I'm preparing myself to the best of my ability for any outcome at this point. And yes, I do cherish every moment w/ D that I can get. However, I do have to admit that I HATE the last two hours before I drop her off. I just get so blue w/ the thought I have to give her back. I need to get better at this and not allow it to come in between any time I have w/ my baby.
Well, I spoke w/ the DB coach today and she told me that considering how angry my W is at me, I've been doing very well so far at not reacting to her when she is provoking me. However, we also decided that I can't stay neutral any longer. Our old strategy was to remain as neutral as possible, kind of going darkish, except for the bare minimum of information.
Now, the strategy needs to shift as W has made a bit of an attempt lately and she's been much nicer to me in the past week. So, the new approach is for me to spend less and less time being w/ her physically. I'm not w/ her that much as it is, but that needs to drop to almost zero. In its place, I'm to focus on spending time w/ her emotionally.
When we went over the text conversation W and I had, it became very clear that she was trying to tell me how she felt, and in return, all I did was defend why I did what I did. So, the conversation actually became about me instead of validating her.
Thus, I sent her the following e-mail today and now I need to see where it goes from here:
Quote:
I'm reviewing our text conversation from Saturday night and I can hear your heartbreak. I can hear how isolated and lonely your life has been with me. I had to re-read it again to finally hear what you were trying to say. You were lonely and afraid when you were with me. It must have been awful to live like that.
I also heard myself defending more than listening and that is what I need to continue working on changing.
This should show her that I did indeed listen to what she was saying and I am validating her feelings. It will hopefully serve as an invitation for her to discuss things w/ me further.
The DB coach tends to agree w/ you, bizarre, that W doesn't really seem to want a D. She instead wants to hurt me and let me know how she's felt all along. If that is so, then I'll need to keep DBing and moving things along.
My deposition is set for July 1 at 1:30 local time, so I'm curious as to what that will uncover (if anything). It will be interesting to see the direction she's looking to take w/ this. I'm planning on calling my DB coach again that morning prior to going into the deposition to make sure my logic and verbage are on the correct plane before I open my mouth.
Ali - the Snake is still very much around. When I was talking w/ D on the phone today, she kept hanging up b/c he was texting W repeatedly. Thus, he's still in, but maybe not as strongly as before. Only time will tell, but for now, this is the tact I'm taking.
Finally, don't worry about my letting my guard down and getting crushed by W. I'm still looking after myself and D 1st, but I just wanted you all to know where I'm coming from and what the new approach will be.
As usual, you'll all be the 1st to know what shakes out of this.
Finally, don't worry about my letting my guard down and getting crushed by W. I'm still looking after myself and D 1st, but I just wanted you all to know where I'm coming from and what the new approach will be.
I'm in a good place w/ this. I'm going to still work on DBing w/ W, but she has an awful lot of work to do on her part before I'd even remotely consider having her under my roof, let alone in my bed. I can't and won't do this again, so if we ever move to even a potential reconciliation stage, she'll have to do things I'm 100% comfortable w/ for a long, long time before I even think about trusting her again.
That is why I'd love to sell the house and move forward. I don't want to have this place here as an option for "us" as that old "us" is dead and gone. If there was to be, it will have to be anew or not at all. Like I said, I'm not going back. Not now, not ever. I just can't. It hurts too much.
I'm ready to do it tomorrow, but they have to give a "2-week window" legally, so we can't cram it in. My L is also busy until the 1st, so that is what we're left with.
It will just give me more time to work on the house preparations for putting it on the market, I guess.
Well, W is in one of her moods today. I was talking w/ D on the phone and then she came back and blamed me for buying things for D (she even said she had told D "buying things for you does not mean love" - a direct shot I'm guessing at me. Whatever.). She said D is entitled and that "needs to stop."
I did argue a bit, as I mentioned that W is buying her stuff as well. I then stopped myself and told her I agreed that is a concern and I'll keep an eye on D when she's with me.
W then went on to say that she was concerned my sister and mother would take G out to get her ears piereced and dress her in "ho wear" when we were in Seattle over Labor Day. I told them I wouldn't allow that to happen and she then laughed and hung up on me. She didn't answer as I tried to call back to tell D goodnight.
So, I sent her a text explaining that D was ours and not my family's and I'd protect her family or no. W responded w/ "D is a child, not a possession." To which I replied I know which is why I'll protect her against anything and anyone.
I then asked W if she wanted to talk about anything b/c I sensed a lot of hostility tonight. She didn't reply (of course), but D did call and we said goodnight.
Man! What in the world did I do to deserve this tonight? Oh, yes, I know. I'm alive and not caving into her every wish. She's a peach. There is ZERO hope for my DBing until these custody and deposition things are settled. Once it is, then I may have a chance as she'll have nothing to "lord over me" and she'll have to work on being my partner.
My honest guess is she hasn't known how to react to my last few correspondences so she's lashing out. I also know she spent a bit of time w/ OM today, so he's had her ear and thus, I'm getting the brunt of it.
I'm heading off to bed to read. Talk to you all tomorrow.
It could be that she had a bad interaction with OM today and you are on the receiving end of her anger. This happens with my cousins ex. Whenever she gets dumped by a boyfriend, she will call him and just let loose. He does not even need to have her tell him that she got dumped as it is a pattern.
Rob, I am so sorry to hear Om is still in the picture. I thought after her conversation where she opened up to you, that he was long gone.How do you know when she is having contact with him? Are you very sure? I think much of your pain is coming from trying to use rational thought with someone who is just not rational. That stuff she said about how your family will dress D just has to stop. Yes it would be nice if you could both agree on ground rules but W has to learn that when D is with you , you do what you think is right and visa versa. If not she will tear D apart. I think you are very right, until there is a court ruling on custody and visitation, W will continue to pull this. You are truly doing the best you can in this situation,trying to establish a life and caring for your D. I wonder how W thinks you can be effective co parents when all she does is accuse you.
