As I'm sure you know, setbacks and occasional regression into old patterns of behavior is a common occurrence throughout any marriage's recovery period. The important points are to learn from them, *not* become discouraged, and remain steadfast in your determination to improve the relationship. This is particularly true in a case like yours, where the only one who is actively seeking to make a positive change is YOU.
For now, and a long time to come, the sexual relationship between you and your wife will carry with it an undercurrent of worries and tension: neither of which is very conducive to a good sexual relationship. As such, you'll both have to do a bit of 'egg-shell walking' to avoid the old pitfalls and develop a new pattern of sexual interaction. You wife's comments, even done in a joking fashion, were a bit insensitive towards a husband who is particularly touchy (and understandably so) in the area of sexual rejection. Your defensive response showed your overly sensitive nature in this area: a response that I know all too well -- been there, done that, too many times.
DQ has the right idea: honestly admit the mistake, apologize if necessary, and PUT IT BEHIND YOU. No brooding permitted (this is coming from a brooding expert BTW). Continue to focus on your GAL program, putting your emphasis on improving your self-image and self-esteem.
Best of luck,
-- B.
Last edited by Bagheera; 06/10/0806:17 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Yes, We did the deed and it was better than it has been. However, I had too much performance anxiety and things didn't go so well for me to really enjoy it. Her biggest goal is to finish at the same time, which is really hard to manage. That kind of cut out some of the emotional stuff as well. Still, she was willing to give it a try. Things should get better with practice.
Wow - I am impressed at more progress. Sorry about the performance anxiety but - sounds like every thing worked out....
I just have one question and maybe this is not an easy question, but it seems like one....
You had previously said that you have no attraction left for her and you do not even desire to kiss her.
Has that changed? I mean, please think about this the way someone from the outside would think about it....you had sex again, hurrah, but ... you don't want to kiss her....???
And if it has changed, has there been kissing in between or during last night's sex encounter?
No kissing. When I go in for the kiss, she pecks and pulls away. I almost think I would have to physically restrain her. Yes, I do still have some trouble visualizing kissing her. Wierd how you can have sex with somebody that you don't kiss (for me).
Yes NTE - it is weird. That's what I was hoping you would "see".
Um...you see, if you aren't going to be passionately in love with your wife (meaning, you want and desire to kiss her and make love to her and be good to her and on and on...) then well, you really owe it to both of yourselves not to hang in there just for occasionally, dis-passionate sex with a woman you are no longer in love with.
I know you still have some discovery to do within yourself, to find out if you do have enough love for her left inside of you or not. So I'm not saying you should have some answers right now or just yet. You are still a work in progress as far as your feelings for her are concerned.
But I do want to prompt you into CONTINUING to look within, because I'd hate to see you "settle" for something that ultimately may end up in a divorce as soon as the kids are gone anyway. If that is going to be the ultimate direction, then you should really work toward that, and not reconciliation....
Because the example you want to set for your children is that you PASSIONATELY love their mother. If that isn't the case, then don't kid yourself into thinking it is "best" to stay with her "for the kids". They will know you don't love her that way and they will grow up thinking that being in a stale, sexless, dis-passionate marriage is normal. Please don't let them think this!
So - continue the good work - but get back to TALKING and headed toward COUNSELING with her. Otherwise all the good work (and sex) in the world will be meaningless.
My goodness. There are LOTS of other options of someone is not attracted to their spouse besides divorce. And TALKING and COUNSELING are not the path, it doesn't make it meaningless.
We're here to save marriages, not to encourage the opposite.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You mentioned your wife has lots of reasons not to feel sexual and you have lots of reasons not fo fulfill her emotionally.
Being a 'man' has a lot more facets to it than feeling like a superhero. Married sex has to do with love and you've said for you it does have to do with the relationship, and you've shown that starting with the snuggling will lead to more.
Start with REAL GIVING. And be relentless about that. Do one thing that you know will fill her heart. Something that is really meaningful to her. Just to show love.
It will lead to more. It may take time. But it will work.
Love, chemistry and compatibility are largely CREATED. By what you say and what you do.
It is VERY MASCULINE to take the lead in creating love. It's what REAL MEN do.
Now, what would fill HER heart?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
