Thanks to those of you who suggested the website that must not be named. It seems like so much effort to get signed on somewhere else, I don't think I'll be doing it any time soon though, so I hope you keep dropping in here.
I don't feel judged, Deauxlie - I've often wrestled with myself about the same thing - can I just stay married and not worry about what he does on the side? It's not an option for me, although I too wouldn't judge anyone that chose it.
This post is going to contain sexual details, so those of you that don't want to read that stuff, now is the time to leave.
As I have mentioned, I'm finding the lack of sex difficult, especially the last few days, as I have ovulated and my body is doing its best to get that egg fertilized, not realizing that my H is no longer a source of sperm (vasectomy many years ago). Yesterday I kissed my H on the back of the ear and murmured that I was having a hard time remembering why this (sex) wasn't a good idea, then I left the room.
He came after a bit later and saying that I had 'run away'. I looked at him with a smile and said that he was still keeping his cellphone in his car and I still wasn't willing to share, so nothing had changed. He said that the phone in the car wasn't an 'indication' and then something about how he guessed it was for me.
It wasn't the best time for this conversation, as my son and I were out the door to take the dogs to the part, but I think he thanked me for sharing.
I gave him lots of space for the rest of the night and was again clinging to my side of the bed when he came to bed. At some point in the night, I could feel him touching me, but pretended to be asleep, while moving just ever so slightly under his hand. I know he was touching himself, but I don't know if he 'finished' or not. It was so difficult not to join in, but I'm thinking it's a good thing if he has to 'pursue' me a bit.
Of course, this morning he was withdrawn again.
I apparently don't have any 'lines in the sand' - he cheats, he lies, he cheats, he lies, I carry on, threaten, etc. - and then take him back. I WANT to say 'this far, no further' but only if I know for sure that I'm not bluffing and I am very far away from that.
Every time in the past, I've kept the focus on myself - how angry I was, how hurt I was, blah, blah, blah. One of my goals is to get him to talk, but that means I have to listen and not freak out, cry, carry on, etc., so he will tell me what he needs to say, get some of the hurt and anger he's been carrying off his chest.
