That is why I chose to post again. My thoughts have been tough to deal with and I am trying to keep the correct perspective and maintain a balance for myself that does not put me in jeopardy of hurting others, or myself.
No, I am not ready for a serious relationship. That is why I have tried to be very up front with this woman and try and explain to her that I am ready for no more than good company and fun right now. I am not looking to move any further than that.
The other stuff, well it is all surrounded by the emotions that come with the ending of one's marriage. We have all been there and we all know that no matter how prepared we think we are, we react and we have feelings that we can't always deal with.
My biggest concerns have been my kids, my feelings of being overwhelmed by parenthood, and at one point my loneliness. I corresponded with one of the moderators at first because she happened to drop me an email "checking in on me". I chose to open up to her and her response was one of caring and concern. The feelings that I have gone through lately have dictated my "off kilter" attitude.
Believe me, I do not think for one moment I am above or beyond those feelings or failures. In fact contrary to popular belief, I do not have a swelled head. I am very very hard on myself. I am my own harshest critic. I have a hard time believeing that I deserve happiness. I have a hard time accepting that the depletion of my marriage wasn't "my fault". I have a hard time feeling like I am a good father. I have a hard time feeling like any woman will ever truly love me. I have a hard time believing that I am ever going to feel secure enough to trust a woman again.
These are the issues that I tangle with sometimes on a daily basis. I am able to see what is right and what is wrong. I am able to post to others with heart fealt conviction and 100% belief that what I am saying is the advice that I would want given to me. Putting those things into practice in my own life has been my struggle. Even as a DBer I feel like I have not done all I could have. I at times do not feel like a success and I question many of the things that I did. Hell, I took her to Scotland in the middle of all of this crap and for the life of me cannot figure out what the hell I was thinking. It was truly 10 days of torture and what is worse is that it was self inflicted.
Anyway, I am simply trying to wade through it all and get my confidence back. Get back to a place where I truly believe in myself and what I am doing. Feel like I am being a good father, friend, and man. Do you understand?? If I was simply wanting to choose the path of least resistance I would not be posting at all.
