For the Guy with Kids and a WW4

[hopeful4her]

Ok, so why can't I just leave well enough alone?

Curiosity killed the cat.

I get home yesterday and D's are telling me how they are now going to start daycare tomorrow(today). I am trying to figure out where this money is coming from. Like I posted prior, she seems to be having some deep pockets lately. Lots of buying. In my mind, OM is helping her out. And with this money, she buying all sorts of stuff for kids. Hell no! Not with his money!

WW gets home and we are starting on dinner. D's had let out to me that they were planning to go to store to get gift for fathers day. Again, I'm thinking hell no! I was going give her my credit card and buy my own gift from the girls. Not let her use his money!

Kids doing their own thing, we sit at dinner table. She had just gotten off phone with MIL. I had heard her talking about daycare stuff, too. I have not heard anything about it, so I'm a little pissed off.

I ask her what is going on concerning the girls and daycare. She starts to explain that she just spoke to them today and made arrangements. I ask how much it costs. She has the look. She tells me how much and I ask how it is going to be paid? She says she is paying for it. She can tell that I'm going to start to dig. "I know you wondering from where. I don't have to tell you. I don't have to explain. And NO it is not from OM." I am looking at her to see if she is telling the truth. "I am not taking money from him." I say, "Your telling me you have never gotten money from him?" She is pausing. Looking at me. "You can't tell me you haven't taken money from him." Looking at me. I know she has. She has an ATM card of his. Has had it for months. "Yes, he has lent me money before. I pay him back. IN MONEY. How do you know? I tell her I just know. Looking at each other.

Defenses are way up.

I get up to stretch and cool things down. "Don't walk away. Were not through." I say that I know, I going to bedroom. Not in front of kids.

The rest of the night was up and down. Tempers up and then calm again. Why do we do this? Me asking why? Telling her I understand her and then still asking why she is doing this to kids. Her telling me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Emotional again. This is thier house. They don't want to leave.

We had already agreed the night before. Its my fault for tonight. To the point she tells me, "You want to get ugly, we can get ugly. I tried to warn you. Tried to prepare you. Papers are coming."

"What have I done to deserve this?", I ask repeatedly.

She's crying. I'm crying.

We get calm again. I talk about OM again. I can't stop myself. Just trying to get her to be honest about him. I know she thinks she loves him and him her. She questions why I think I know so much. Do I follow her, record her. I tell her that her relationship with him has an unfair advantage. How good it must be to not have any issues. I tell her that he is not good enough for her. He is just different from me. Opposite. She tries to defend him a bit, but I know she is listening. Church. God. Kids again. She will not leave with out them.

In the end, we are ok. Telling her why I couldn't leave her. My signs from God. Asking her to look from a different pair of eyes. Just to try. I talk about how enmeshed we were. When she had her stroke. We have no friends. I tell her again to start fresh. No men. She tries to explain her fantasy of single mother life. We talk about our attorneys. She tells me that she took out a loan to pay for her attorney. She had paperwork for divorce decree done. She tells me that she called her back and told her to hold off on the paperwork. She will rent apartment for seven months to see how it goes. "Don't push me" she says. I talk about my attorney and how expensive. I tell her that I have gotten all my ducks in a row as well. She says her attorney did not explain the 50/50 very well to her. I tell her we can work it out. She starts to cry and tell me she has never told the girls anything bad about me. She takes all the blame. She would never keep them from me. We have been speaking to each other very nicely and friendly.

We are speaking calmly. I go back to 50/50 with the girls. She is crying, telling me that we are not like her and her ex. I tell her that I know this. We mean too much to each other. We are life partners at the very least.

She tells me she has been spending the money that would have been for the additional retainer if things went ugly. That she is using the money to get set up. I tell her I will help her move. She can take what she needs. "Just things for the girls",she says.

She asks about our checking account. I tell her I fixed it and have not used it. She has. She checks it. SHE has overdrawn it this time. Now she is upset at herself. I show her that I have not been holding back any of my check like she had thought before. She mentions how she will put money in the account.

Upset, she says she will postpone her move for a little while.

She gets up and starts to turn the bed down. I am looking at computer. I look up and WW falls to floor! Faints! I go to her and her eyes are open. She is not really moving. I am talking to her. She slowly comes around. I get her to the bed. She is wearing shorts and her zipper is down. She zips up.

"Were you trying to take advantage of me?" I say I tried, but you still wouldn't let me. We can still joke.

I notice her lip is a little droopy on the right. She mentions her lip feels numb. I am telling her we need to get to hospital. She says no. I keep watching her. When she had her stroke, it was right side partial paralysis. And droopy lip. I can see it. She starts to cry and asks me to pray with her. We are holding hands and both of us crying. I am praying. I get her some water. Her head is throbbing. I give some ibuprofen. I tell her she has 30 minutes or I picking her up out of bed. She repeats she is ok. Her looks ok. Still a little numb.

She falls asleep. Groggy. I check on her at 3am and wake her at 6am.

We are up and getting D's ready. They are excited to go to daycare daycamp. I rush to leave early. I go to her and tell her to watch herself. Don't ignore it.

I kiss her check and tell her good bye. She didn't expect it.

I will always love her and care for her. She doesn't understand what I would do for her. I am sick to death that she is going to get sick again.

I will have to be there for her. Again. God has chosen me to do this, I feel.

If she doesn't get sick, then I will let her go. She may come back. She can spew the venom, but I think I know her. She does it to protect herself. I told her there should be no reason for us to be defensive with each other. We are not enemies.