New to this forum and need help..

[tmarie]

It started with the internet.... how many times do we here that. My H started with porn... I shared that with him.. I started chatting with a man and it led to an affair emotionally and phsically. I fell in love with him, only looking back, I felt for him what i really wanted to feel for my husband. We ended the affair to work on our own marriages. I should tell you we remained friends - no sexual contact for over 7 years and only occasional phone calls to see how one another are doing. He was someone I could tell anything to and not judge me. I was able to tell him all the good and the bad about myself and he understood what I wanted. As learn more about myself I am seeing that I did not communicate specifics with my own husband instead I shared those with another, just like my husband is doing now with his OW. needless to say we are both divorcing, funny how it turns out. My H and I experimented with a lot of things going outside of our marriage. Trying to fill a void, by the time I got a clue and decided that my marriage was worth saving, my H had checked out.. turned off his love for me and has been living that way for sometime even though I thought things were "ok" not perfect but both content. Able to live and work together, with good times. I have gotten a real dose of reality these past few weeks. I hate myself for being so selfish and taking so long to realize that the marriage I have always dreamed was right in front of me and I took it for granted. Now it seems too late to repair, but I try to remain hopeful. I pray alot. I read alot and now it looks like I will be posting alot.
Feel free to ask me anything. I have nothing to lose by being honest with myself with my husband or with you... Its time I took a long hard look and accepted my responsibilty in the failure of my marriage.