Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[blindsided1]

Pity party over. I kicked all the guests out. That is not to say that I don't feel sad. The article you attached Nik, hit home. I wallow in my self pity because I think that if I address it and feel really bad, I can't feel any worse and the only way to go is up. The last thing I want to do is lose the friends I have met here because all I do is complain. It was just a low low last few days and I was hurting and felt that I needed to beat myself up. Maybe I need to learn to forgive myself for not being the person my H wanted. I think that even though that isn't exactly the truth, I think he would have done this even if I were perfect. I blame myself, really, more than I blame my H for this. I'm a good person and I know that I love him. So, I figure "what's wrong with me" that he doesn't love me back? I just wanted him to see what a mistake it was for him to leave us. That we could be happy. Instead, he just made himself happy somewhere else.

There are times when my H is very involved and interested in this pregnancy. There are times when he just ISN'T. I miss the way he used to hold my stomach, after each fertility round and say into it "is my baby in there? I can't wait to start our family." I miss being the person he turned to when he needed a friend or advice or help with something. I know it's a natural progression to let go of those things. I just miss being needed by him.

But, you are all right. I live in that place of pity. It must be comfortable for me. I've been there so many times that it feels natural to go there even though it hurts more than anything. So, I am making an effort to really stop going there or at least minimize the time I spend there.

Everyone here has been wonderful to me and put up with a lot of my whining and crying and complaining. I feel that I have been pretty strong, at times. But, then there are those times that just knock me on my ass.

I did have a conversation with H about being in the C-section with me. I told him that I was NOT trying to punish him, but I needed to have someone in there that was there for ME. If he couldn't do that, then I would prefer if my Mother were there. He could still come and cut the cord, but I really needed someone who was going to hold my hand and get me through it. He said that all these years we have been together, he has always been there for me for all the hard stuff: My Dad dying, my Step-dad collapsing, etc. Of course, he is there for me. So, for now, he is still going to be there. I just hope he lives up to his end. If he doesn't, at least the surgery is quick and will be over fast. I'll manage.

Yes H has always been there to get me through the tough stuff. What sucks is that this has been the hardest, most painful, hurtful thing that I have ever had to go through in my life and instead of getting me through it, he CAUSED it. It's just one more betrayal by the man I love. It's very hard to get over being betrayed like this and in so many ways. But, I know I have to in order to get through this. So, new day, new plan.