New to this forum and need help..

[tmarie]

I apologize in advance for this long post, but as I read the many others I think you may know what I am going through.

We have been married for 15 years this coming June 12th. On May 24th my Husband told me he wanted a divorce. 3 days before our son left for Marine Bootcamp (leaving home for the 1st time) (we have a 14yo girl at home too). He had been gone on a international business trip for 2 weeks prior to that. I knew things were tense and I was dilligently working on becoming a better wife or so I thought.

We have overcome or swept under the rug, many things throughout our marriage, my intamacy issues, my unwillingness to open my heart completely to him, my infildelity 7 years ago. My lack of affection just to name a few. He too has issues he could have worked on...

On the flip side, we have been great friends and companions, good and reasonable parents, good business partners (we have 2 business together) We laugh, cry and support one another in all aspects except one. The affection, "in love" feelings one is suppose to have for their spouse. He has fallen out of love with me, a long time ago, as he put it. Not that I can blame him.

The truth is, I am in love with my husband. I love everything about him. His kindness, the way he looks, talks, walks. His determination, motivation, the way he is goal oriented and competitive. Loyal and true. And now I have lost that through my own stupidity and selfishness. I wish he would belive me when I say I believe this marriage can still be saved.

He stuck by me for the sake of the children until now... not only does he want a divorce, he has met someone with whom he is in love with. I get such a sick feeling when I think about it.


I have started counseling sessions, my husband attended the 1st one, only to look completely uncomfortable and to tell the counselor," I have made my decision, I want a divorce, please do what you can to help her through this." (2 days before this we had some of the best sex of both of our lives.) 2 days later we meet with our Pastor, who asked for 30 days before taking any legal action reluctantly complying, he granted a stay of execution. 1 week in and we get along great. Mind blowing love making sessions, good family time, good parenting, caring and compassion has entered the room in a big way UNTIL..... until he talks to "her". I can only assume he feels as though he is cheating on her with me. I want to make significant changes in my life (and I am trying and he acknowledges this). I want to be a good wife to my husband and I am reading, listening and taking advice from anyone who has any and implementing those ideas and suggestions and the good old dose of reality that come with it.

At this point week 2 he is leaving for 2 weeks, on business (yes this part is true), to another country, where "She" just happens to live. She will have him, and I will not. Our children do not know what is going on, they have no clue. We don't fight like that. We don't cry in front of them or express those feelings of sadness , frustation or anger. This will be a huge blow to them both.

I am at a loss, how do I do this. Do I give up and accept it, or do fight for my marriage and for my family? I know he loves and cares about me, but he said that he can only be in love with one person at a time and he is not in love with me. What do I do? Please help. Thank you for listening.

I am in the process of watching Michele's DB Seminar and have my 1st phone coaching session this afternoon. I am anxious for any tools to help myself and my marriage. I truly believe this a marriage worth saving. But he said he doesn't think he can get
those "in love feelings" back (mind you... our love making sessions have been OUT OF THIS WORLD the past 2 weeks and he too has initiated these incredible nights NEVER has our intimate moments been this intimate. Sorry if that ia too much info...

Thanks for any insight you may have.

[TwinDad]

Hey Tmarie,

Sorry you are here, but this is a great place to come for help. There are a lot of good and kind people here.

I am at a loss, how do I do this. Do I give up and accept it, or do fight for my marriage and for my family? I know he loves and cares about me, but he said that he can only be in love with one person at a time and he is not in love with me. What do I do? Please help. Thank you for listening.

If you want your marriage to work then by al means fight for it. I would definitely read that book as fast as possible. There are some good sections on what not to do and a good section on infidelity that might be insightful. I would also look around some of the subforums that seem to fit what your sitch is and read some of those stories. You will probably find many people that have a lot of similarities.

Since your H and you share children, a home and 2 businesses then there will plenty of contact time for you to "show" your H the positive changes you can make in your life.

Don't get discouraged (easier said and done), this forum is full of people whos spouses said that they were done and that they had made up their mind.

Best wishes and I am sure you will learn quite a bit in your phone coaching as well

[tmarie]

Thank you for your reply. My head knows that there is plenty of time for contact with the exception of him being out of town... That part really scares me, how can I show love when he is not here. Do I show love? my emotions are all over the map and trying to reign them in is very difficult.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

tmarie,

You have a big challenge ahead of you. A long-term sex-starved marriage, a prior affair and now your husband's infidelity and wanting out . . . tough nut to crack (but it CAN be done).

Can you tell us more about your infidelity 7 years ago?

Puppy

[tmarie]

It started with the internet.... how many times do we here that. My H started with porn... I shared that with him.. I started chatting with a man and it led to an affair emotionally and phsically. I fell in love with him, only looking back, I felt for him what i really wanted to feel for my husband. We ended the affair to work on our own marriages. I should tell you we remained friends - no sexual contact for over 7 years and only occasional phone calls to see how one another are doing. He was someone I could tell anything to and not judge me. I was able to tell him all the good and the bad about myself and he understood what I wanted. As learn more about myself I am seeing that I did not communicate specifics with my own husband instead I shared those with another, just like my husband is doing now with his OW. needless to say we are both divorcing, funny how it turns out. My H and I experimented with a lot of things going outside of our marriage. Trying to fill a void, by the time I got a clue and decided that my marriage was worth saving, my H had checked out.. turned off his love for me and has been living that way for sometime even though I thought things were "ok" not perfect but both content. Able to live and work together, with good times. I have gotten a real dose of reality these past few weeks. I hate myself for being so selfish and taking so long to realize that the marriage I have always dreamed was right in front of me and I took it for granted. Now it seems too late to repair, but I try to remain hopeful. I pray alot. I read alot and now it looks like I will be posting alot.
Feel free to ask me anything. I have nothing to lose by being honest with myself with my husband or with you... Its time I took a long hard look and accepted my responsibilty in the failure of my marriage.

[tmarie]

In the last week or so,I have learned alot from this site. This is the only place that gives me the necessary tools..

I was so scared when my H left for his trip.. How can I possibly work on the R or use these tools without him being here. I have barely talked to him in 2 weeks. I try only to call if I need to give him updates or messages regarding our daughter or business. Always friendly but never personal. We have not talked abouT R for 3 weeks.. Now I am scared he is coming home and reality will strike. I made an appointment for a private session with Michele. I have not asked H to attend with me yet.. I made this decision on my own. I am working on GAL but it is still hard to do. My life has been with him for so long that its hard to venture out...

What do I do when he comes home?

[tmarie]

Update..
I have kept myself busier than usual these last few weeks. GAL is alot of work and working on my marriage while my H is out of the country was very difficult "Acting As if" has taken some of the tears away the last few days. And the counseling sessions have help me, But praying has really helped me release...

My H came home today I picked him up at the airport, no physical affection of any kind, although he was tired, I desperately wanted to hug him and welcome him home. We had a nice ride home, just chit chat about his trip and about our D14 I said nothing about M.. Once we got home I got a call from a girl friend recieved terrible news regarding another friend, so I apologized for having to leave and went to aid her. A couple hours later when I returned home, we chatted for a bit and decided to go to bed. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well so after trying to sleep I got up for a bit.. When I returned to bed he said he couldn't sleep and intiated ML... Still can't sleep so here I am... Wondering if my 180 is working...

[JCJ]

tmarie,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was very afraid of not seeing my h or letting time pass but I am slowly coming to realise that time is not my enemy even though everyone else, apart from on this board, seems to be telling me it is. I have to say that I am already seeing some small results from DBing and I have only been doing it less than a month. Certainly more positive results than I was seeing when trying to handle it on my own - crowding, persuading, clinging were my specialities. This will take time and isn't going to resolve quickly necessarily, it may do but if you read the stories here generally these things do take time.

I believe that feelings change and aren't 'set' as our S would have us believe and, while things might not turn out the way we hoped, you are well within your rights to fight for your marriage if that is what you want.

It sounds like you are doing really well in terms of GALing. Keep it up, it will make the process easier for you and more importantly help you and give you strength.

[tmarie]

well... he did it.. He paid the retainer to his attorney. we talked over lunch and I asked if he would accompany me to the intensive with Michelle. (he said yes... sort of.. I did not mention DB only that she would help us communicate better.. I asked him if he was really that miserable with me he said no he just wanted something different. I am sooo confused.. He initated ML lastnight... Maybe I spoke to him too soon.. I need help.. I am talking to a coach in 15 minutes..... HELP... Please HELP me get through this..

[tmarie]

what a disaster... I blew it big time.... I came home last night from GAL.. and found pictures of the OW in plain view for all to see including D14.... I let it go for a second. Until I found money transfer receipts and an addtional airline ticket to the phillipiens for him to visit her... I blew it... I lost control... and I threw things not at him, but he sure was surprised when he woke up...

and then to find out my D14 has known something was up... She told a friend whose Mother is our employee and the mother said something..So we had to tell her... it was the worst thing I have ever done in my life I have destoyed my own daughters life.. I failed her. All she could do was cry in sadness a deep painful saddness that I helped to create. All we could do was to tell her we loved her. that she was the most imortant thing to us both. but the look in her eye... so wounded and sad; how do I help her.