Too late for DB, thread 7

[cw68]

It sometimes does me some good, but not much anymore. It's keeping me way too fixated on the situation and my H. Analyzing everything single little thing and keeping false hope is just unhealthy.

I've finally gotten it thru this thick skull of mine: nothing I do is going to bring him back. Sure, I can help drive him away, but I cannot do anything to save this marriage. He is too far gone, too far screwed up in his own head.

His best friend and I spoke last night, this is the guy who lives down in San Diego where my H lost his phone a few weekends ago. This guy is also a good friend of mine, so I trust his words. He said that H is really lost. That there was this part of H that nobody saw; not me, not him, not his friends from home. I said that not even H saw it and he agreed. Friend said that H cannot delve in there, that H quit seeing his therapist because he couldn't talk to her and, in friend's words, "if you can't talk to your therapist, you've got major problems because who else is safer to talk to?" Friend said that he's told H that he thinks H's making a major mistake, that his priorities are wrong and that he had a good thing going. He then told me that H is gone, done and is probably not ever coming back and that it's time I accepted that. He understood my position and agreed with me, said that I have been an incredibly strong, supportive person but that the person I'm supporting doesn't understand or appreciate it.

After our phone call I watched that Kung Fu Panda movie and so many things came into focus.

H is ill. Friend mentioned mental illness of sorts, siting his mother's behavior and the fact that his mother's father got fired from his job with Ford Motor company because he blasted into Mr. Ford's office (H's family used to be the personal tailors to the Ford family) ripping into him one day for something that never really happened. He reminded me that his own dad walked away and that they've only had contact thru one email, he brought this up to question his dad's state of mind. Friend said I'm fighting a fight that is not mine. H is not of the same stock as my family and simply doesn't have the same priorities as my family. That if H doesn't want to be in this marriage there is NOTHING I can do to change that.

He's right. My H is lost and doesn't have a compass to guide him. He has no father, his grandparents are dead and his mother, while supportive, gives no guidance and hides every single feeling there possibly is. He's not close with his brothers, his friends are supportive but disagree with him and everyone else that knows thinks H is being an idiot and there's a number of people who are disgusted with him. He says H can tell, can feel that. The battle is inside him.

I have to keep up good relations with him because of our children. I fear that one day he's going to walk away from them, or pull away from them, because that's what he saw. While I can't let myself feed that fear too much, I must be prepared for it. I need all my strength for myself and my children.

I need to spend the time and energy I spend here and instead direct it to finding a job, selling my house or at least moving out and looking toward my future. H as my husband is not part of that future. End of story. End of marriage. End of my life as I've been living for the past ten years. H is not my prince charming, he is not my supporter, he is not there for me. Only I am and only I will continue to be. He can flounder all he wants, as long as he doesn't purposely hurt my kids, he's on his own. Maybe someday he'll look to me again, but I doubt I'll be here. The damage is too great, he's done too much.

I pity him. He is beginning to disgust me. He's a sad, sorry man, not the man he once was.