((((Michelle)))) take care of you. Don't worry about him. corey
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
You are doing everything you can, and if he can't see that, well then it is his loss.
He can see, but the really sad thing is that his perception translates it all into "She's doing everything she can to prevent me from achieving my happiness". Crazy, I know, but I remember in one argument with my H, he had said, "Why can't you just let me be happy and give me a D?!" It was all my fault because I was/am his only obstacle to what he believes will make him happy. I agree that it will calm things down between us, but I seriously doubt he will be happier.
This is my H's lesson to learn, and I believe your H needs to learn it, too. I still believe you should agree to a legal S and get everything squared away in regards to the community assets. Tell him you simply cannot agree to a D right now, but the legal S, yes, you can and are willing to do that. If he gets mean and nasty about it, make him aware that his behavior and attitude will get him absolutely nothing, and you both can continue living the way you have been (IF that's something you want).
(((((((Michelle)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
the really sad thing is that his perception translates it all into "She's doing everything she can to prevent me from achieving my happiness".
I have finally started to realize that. It makes no sense to me, but I have realized that until I get out of his way, he won't realize that I wasn't what is making him miserable.
What I am struggling with is leaving the door open for him, even 1/4 inch, if he ever pulls his head out of his a$$. I am not sure I can forgive him anymore.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
Tell him you simply cannot agree to a D right now, but the legal S, yes, you can and are willing to do that.
The legal S gives me some peace while keeping options open, but he's not gonna accept that because we would still be M and I would get health coverage through the military and he doesn't want me to have anything. I don't need his cooperation for a legal S though, and I may file it when I get back from AT.
He is trying to punish me because I haven't given up on him. He is so bound and determined to push me away. Well, I'm gone then.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It makes no sense to me, but I have realized that until I get out of his way, he won't realize that I wasn't what is making him miserable.
My H was the same way. He didn't realize that I wasn't the cause until I completely let him go. He is unhappy and right now, you are the easiest thing to blame. When you let him go and he is still unhappy (he will be), then he will see.
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What I am struggling with is leaving the door open for him, even 1/4 inch, if he ever pulls his head out of his a$$. I am not sure I can forgive him anymore.
I struggled with this too. I think it depends on HOW he comes to you if he ever does pull his head out of his a$$. My H did things I didn't ever think I could forgive, but I am seeing that it is possible. It is your decision if you leave that door open and for how long.
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The legal S gives me some peace while keeping options open, but he's not gonna accept that because we would still be M and I would get health coverage through the military and he doesn't want me to have anything.
Well, he can't force you to sign the summary dissolution. You have to do what is best for you.
What I am struggling with is leaving the door open for him, even 1/4 inch, if he ever pulls his head out of his a$$. I am not sure I can forgive him anymore.
I struggled with this too. I think it depends on HOW he comes to you if he ever does pull his head out of his a$$. My H did things I didn't ever think I could forgive, but I am seeing that it is possible.
Forgiveness IS possible when there has been an ongoing effort to have positive interactions with each other. The more time spent with caring, listening, trying to understand each other's POV and what you both have gone through strengthens your empathy and compassion for one another. These conditions are essential for forgiveness.
In Kris' sitch, she is seeing all that, and as long as her progress continues, she will achieve forgiveness.
Right now, Michelle, you're angry. No one is going to fault you for that. While being angry, it can seem as though forgiving someone who has wronged you is damn close to impossible, but you'll get there. If you truly want to heal, you must forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive your H.
(((((((Michelle)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I agree. You have taken more than enough of the blame for your part in this. You have apologized to him and tried to show him through actions that things can be different. You have done everything you can do.
Just take care of yourself right now and only worry about YOU.
Michelle, I think a little anger can be good if it clears your mental cobwebs. But you can't hold onto it forever. We are in very similar spots in the demise of our marriages so I feel your pain right now. I, too, am angry. But I have to keep remembering that there will be a day that I'm not angry. You can keep the feeling of not ever wanting to see or talk to him but lose the anger behind it. It might take a while, but you have to know that that's possible or the anger and bitterness will eat you up. You are worth more than that.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Michelle, I think a little anger can be good if it clears your mental cobwebs. But you can't hold onto it forever. We are in very similar spots in the demise of our marriages so I feel your pain right now. I, too, am angry. But I have to keep remembering that there will be a day that I'm not angry. You can keep the feeling of not ever wanting to see or talk to him but lose the anger behind it. It might take a while, but you have to know that that's possible or the anger and bitterness will eat you up. You are worth more than that.
Well said, cw.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I can't add much to what we talked about last night. I really worry that he can't deal with the person you are. Look for the middle road we talked about, if you can. And maybe kill him with a little kindness!
