This could be long so get a bowl of popcorn and a pop.
W had started texting me in early evening about some things that she had in mind for D11 to do for summer, which were all good ideas and sounded fun plus W was going to pay for all of it as she stills owes the house some money. So I was validating her ideas & thoughts and agreed on the plans. She then texts back "call me".
I call her thinking okay didn't have time to run anything by anybody on the board, but saw it as an 'in' to talk about the last convo we had about D11. W says "was talking to D11 at supper and decided to ask what she was angry about or who she was angry with." D11 says, "I'm not angry at anybody, just upset that I wanted to do some things with friends last Sunday at a park and I wasn't sure if you would let me go so I didn't ask." W says, "you should have asked instead of making me think you were mad at me for the sitch we are in." D11 says, "oh no it's not that at all I understand sorta just wished that we wouldn't have had to leave." W says, "you know that daddy & me love you and want what's best and know that if you have questions or feel weird we will take you anywhere to talk to somebody, or you know you can talk to your sister or anybody (Mike are you hearin this dead on brother)." D11 says, "yes I know I am fine right now but there is something?" W says, "whats that?" D11 says, "well you nag at me too much". LOL W says, "well you always give me attitude about brushing teeth or takin a shower." D11 says, "I know but it's not like I'm not going to do it." W says, "there are rules in both houses and you need to follow them, but when it comes to important things daddy and me are as 'one'". (Mike ya still listening? Spot on man) W then says to me, "I didn't mean to step on your toes with this it just was bothering me. Mind you I was saying nothing while she told me all of this, just validated and agreed. I replied to her, "you didn't step on toes at all, I in fact was going to suggest that we need to do something with D11 cause it wasn't fair for her to treat you that way when we are both equally at fault, and that we handle it as a united front." I told her she did well and she agreed on the united front in the future.
So Mike & Ping guess what is coming next? You got it... a R talk started by her, but thanks to you guys I was expecting it TY.
I decided since she started it & it being the 1st time she was willing to talk about it I would venture along cautiously and listen to what she had to say.
She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?" I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that." She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now." I said, " I can see how you would assume that, but don't assume that is not right of you to do." I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before." She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing." I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger. She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I know this is long sorry. IMO there were some positives she was laughing as I was also she agreed that there is no reason to lay blame anymore that we both had a part in it she realizes her part and that the past is just that the past it is over. This was about a 2 1/2 hr convo that was filled with validation acceptance and regret on both parties. She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now. That's about it sorry again it was so long I am sure I might have left some things out but you get the gist of it....
