Forgive me if you've answered this before, but have you asked him to go to counseling with you? Do you feel like you're at a place where you could bring it up to him and accept whatever his response might be? Hugs...
We have done a lot of counselling, some helpful, most not.
He is again (still) considering leaving, and I feel as though I canèt ask for anything (you know about the stupid keyboard, rightÉ)
What I have been considering is asking him if he thinks we can continue like this and if he says no, then asking him what he is willing to do (and it can be very small) to start to make things better.
I read your posts about the money conversations, and know that for us too, it is quite often how I ask more than what I am saying. I would love to have this conversation with my H in a more positive way, but given that I start crying if I even think about the current situation, I have no idea how to accomplish that.
Or am I just doing something because I canèt stand the lack of movement, even if I end up pushing things in a way I donèt want to goÉ
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My H also likes to be secretive with cell phone, daytime, etc, but I know there is nothing going on. His "secrecy" issues date back to his childhood when he felt his mother was spying on him - which she was. I tried to talk to him about it but it didn't get me anywhere but to discover he'd thrown up higher walls.
Do know NOPkins? He posts on both boards. I think he might be away right now, but he might have some ideas for your sitch if you post to him in SSM.
Some other books I've been browsing (don't know if I mentioned them already)
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R's are just plain hard work. There is so much pursuing/distancing going on and outside influences wreaking havoc. Kudox to those that seem to make it work "most" of the time. We know no one makes it work all of the time.
Someone pointed out to me that by telling H I am unhappy, disapointed, etc, he feels he can't please me and shuts down or turns away, whereas if I can try and focus more on the good things he does then that will draw him to me as opposed to creating distance. I don't know if you do that, but I am definitely guilty of saying what I don't like and what I'm missing.
I didn't want to use my work laptop for this, but the lack of punctuation was driving me crazy. I guess I'll have to take my chances.
My H has started napping, like he did when he was deciding to leave last fall. He doesn't seem as unhappy, but it's scaring me anyway.
I spent a considerable amount of time this afternoon trying to convince myself that I can tell him to leave, that it will be okay - and just the thought of it wipes me out.
I can really relate to how you are feeling. I am in the UK, so on a different time scale. I found another site that I go to as well as this one as it has links to really good books in this area that then lnk into the amazon reviews called
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Try that. I am reading like crazy and just trying to keep myself sane. If you post on there, there are others that have ideas of more reading you can do to help. That slipping back feeling is horrid.
Watch that you are not just projecting your own worries/ feelings onto your H - I am terrible at that - and then I find out that my H is fine; it's what's going on in my head that is the problem.
Deep down I know I love my H , but sometimes I wonder if I stayed and worked on the M because I was too scared of what would happen if we split. I am coming up to the second year anniversary of seveeral things to do with my H's A and am finding it as hard almost as last year - and I almost had another breakdown then.
Keep posting.
Last edited by sgctxok; 06/17/0811:21 PM.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
What I have been considering is asking him if he thinks we can continue like this and if he says no, then asking him what he is willing to do (and it can be very small) to start to make things better.
I read your posts about the money conversations, and know that for us too, it is quite often how I ask more than what I am saying. I would love to have this conversation with my H in a more positive way, but given that I start crying if I even think about the current situation, I have no idea how to accomplish that.
How about bringing it up to him in a note or an email? I would think that it would be better to do it in person, but if you start crying, then maybe another way would be better. Or you could practice what you're going to say in advance, so you can try to get the emotions out before talking to him.
I know you said counseling hasn't worked for you, but have you tried going on your own? Have you found a solution-based or goal-oriented C?
I read somewhere that before people change their actions, the pain of doing more of the same must be greater than the pain of doing something different. Is it possible that this could apply to both you and H?
You don't have to stop loving your H. You do have to love yourself enough to create a healthy life for you and your kids. You don't have to tell him to leave or try to control his actions, but since you can't anyhow, you must get yourself to the point where you will be happy regardless of his choices.
I'm trying to break this down into new goals since your latest goals-- reconnecting emotionally with your H and piecing your marriage back together-- are proving difficult to achieve after you discovered he's having another A.
You wondered if you should ask him if he can continue on this way. I want you to ask yourself that question. What are your lines in the sand? Can you be happy living with your H if he continues to have A's? More men and women than you think are perfectly fine with this; I'm not judging you.
Let's get out of the forest for a bit and figure out what your goals are for your relationship and yourself. Let's figure out how to find a plan to eventually end the tears.
Thanks to those of you who suggested the website that must not be named. It seems like so much effort to get signed on somewhere else, I don't think I'll be doing it any time soon though, so I hope you keep dropping in here.
I don't feel judged, Deauxlie - I've often wrestled with myself about the same thing - can I just stay married and not worry about what he does on the side? It's not an option for me, although I too wouldn't judge anyone that chose it.
This post is going to contain sexual details, so those of you that don't want to read that stuff, now is the time to leave.
As I have mentioned, I'm finding the lack of sex difficult, especially the last few days, as I have ovulated and my body is doing its best to get that egg fertilized, not realizing that my H is no longer a source of sperm (vasectomy many years ago). Yesterday I kissed my H on the back of the ear and murmured that I was having a hard time remembering why this (sex) wasn't a good idea, then I left the room.
He came after a bit later and saying that I had 'run away'. I looked at him with a smile and said that he was still keeping his cellphone in his car and I still wasn't willing to share, so nothing had changed. He said that the phone in the car wasn't an 'indication' and then something about how he guessed it was for me.
It wasn't the best time for this conversation, as my son and I were out the door to take the dogs to the part, but I think he thanked me for sharing.
I gave him lots of space for the rest of the night and was again clinging to my side of the bed when he came to bed. At some point in the night, I could feel him touching me, but pretended to be asleep, while moving just ever so slightly under his hand. I know he was touching himself, but I don't know if he 'finished' or not. It was so difficult not to join in, but I'm thinking it's a good thing if he has to 'pursue' me a bit.
Of course, this morning he was withdrawn again.
I apparently don't have any 'lines in the sand' - he cheats, he lies, he cheats, he lies, I carry on, threaten, etc. - and then take him back. I WANT to say 'this far, no further' but only if I know for sure that I'm not bluffing and I am very far away from that.
Every time in the past, I've kept the focus on myself - how angry I was, how hurt I was, blah, blah, blah. One of my goals is to get him to talk, but that means I have to listen and not freak out, cry, carry on, etc., so he will tell me what he needs to say, get some of the hurt and anger he's been carrying off his chest.
My D is off camping with her class this week and my H and S just left for a baseball game - S playing, H umpiring. At this time of year, they are hardly ever here, cause if S isn't in a game, they both umpire.
Anyway, I was just a bit dressed up when H came home and he is certainly noticing. I'm also putting out the pheromones that fertile women put out, but he doesn't know that. It only lasts for a few days, so I'd better take advantage while I can. Since I essentially won't see him after tomorrow until next week, I should be able to get some mileage out of this
