Too late for DB, thread 7

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cw)))))

It is hard to say. Since he has things he is supposed to be doing, I'd be tempted to get you and the kids out, and do something fun. That way they don't dostract him, he doesn't distract you, the work gets done, and you spend some time with the kids.

[MichelleLT]

Do you think you can be happy hanging around the house with him and the kids? I'd be inclined to go somewhere with the kids personally. It's whatever you think you can handle though.

(((cw)))

[Sara]

I'd take the kids out and have a good time. It makes the point that the family can have a good time with him or without him.

[cw68]

I'm much, much, much better today. Today was just better in general and the movie was a great idea. Not only did I not have to deal with H, and he obviously got it because he only called when he was done installing the lights to tell me that he was leaving the house, but the movie was great. Kung Fu Panda. I got a lot of peace from watching an animated cartoon. Maybe I'm just looking for signs wherever, but it spoke to me in bits. Also got a really good 2x4 email from H's former best college friend and roommate. While we haven't been close in years, he heard the news and sent me an email basically telling me that 1) he knows I'll be fine, 2) he thinks what H is doing is wrong and that 3) I have to change my focus and look to the future, that if my H isn't on the same street as me in marriage there's nothing I can do about that. I really felt good.

I'm much more geared up.

I also haven't been on this site as much and that's a good thing. I'd like to ween myself of it completely because it's not doing me any good at this point. But I'm like a moth to the flame...

[MichelleLT]

(((cw))) If you need hugs or an ear, we're here.

Literally if you need them from me. I'll meet you somewhere in the middle.

[newnamenewlife]

It must do you some good to share your feelings here. At least it *does* me some good when you do. I find you inspiring--so please don't leave forever!

[cw68]

It sometimes does me some good, but not much anymore. It's keeping me way too fixated on the situation and my H. Analyzing everything single little thing and keeping false hope is just unhealthy.

I've finally gotten it thru this thick skull of mine: nothing I do is going to bring him back. Sure, I can help drive him away, but I cannot do anything to save this marriage. He is too far gone, too far screwed up in his own head.

His best friend and I spoke last night, this is the guy who lives down in San Diego where my H lost his phone a few weekends ago. This guy is also a good friend of mine, so I trust his words. He said that H is really lost. That there was this part of H that nobody saw; not me, not him, not his friends from home. I said that not even H saw it and he agreed. Friend said that H cannot delve in there, that H quit seeing his therapist because he couldn't talk to her and, in friend's words, "if you can't talk to your therapist, you've got major problems because who else is safer to talk to?" Friend said that he's told H that he thinks H's making a major mistake, that his priorities are wrong and that he had a good thing going. He then told me that H is gone, done and is probably not ever coming back and that it's time I accepted that. He understood my position and agreed with me, said that I have been an incredibly strong, supportive person but that the person I'm supporting doesn't understand or appreciate it.

After our phone call I watched that Kung Fu Panda movie and so many things came into focus.

H is ill. Friend mentioned mental illness of sorts, siting his mother's behavior and the fact that his mother's father got fired from his job with Ford Motor company because he blasted into Mr. Ford's office (H's family used to be the personal tailors to the Ford family) ripping into him one day for something that never really happened. He reminded me that his own dad walked away and that they've only had contact thru one email, he brought this up to question his dad's state of mind. Friend said I'm fighting a fight that is not mine. H is not of the same stock as my family and simply doesn't have the same priorities as my family. That if H doesn't want to be in this marriage there is NOTHING I can do to change that.

He's right. My H is lost and doesn't have a compass to guide him. He has no father, his grandparents are dead and his mother, while supportive, gives no guidance and hides every single feeling there possibly is. He's not close with his brothers, his friends are supportive but disagree with him and everyone else that knows thinks H is being an idiot and there's a number of people who are disgusted with him. He says H can tell, can feel that. The battle is inside him.

I have to keep up good relations with him because of our children. I fear that one day he's going to walk away from them, or pull away from them, because that's what he saw. While I can't let myself feed that fear too much, I must be prepared for it. I need all my strength for myself and my children.

I need to spend the time and energy I spend here and instead direct it to finding a job, selling my house or at least moving out and looking toward my future. H as my husband is not part of that future. End of story. End of marriage. End of my life as I've been living for the past ten years. H is not my prince charming, he is not my supporter, he is not there for me. Only I am and only I will continue to be. He can flounder all he wants, as long as he doesn't purposely hurt my kids, he's on his own. Maybe someday he'll look to me again, but I doubt I'll be here. The damage is too great, he's done too much.

I pity him. He is beginning to disgust me. He's a sad, sorry man, not the man he once was.

[Sara]

CW,

I think acceptance of the situation and adaptation to it are the most important things you can do right now. But I did like the part of his letter which said that you would need to find a job eventually, but that he is still willing to support the family. This is an opportunity for you to say you want to get the certification to get a better-paying job. Have you talked to him about going back to college to get the degree you need? I know he pointed out that you chose not to go to college years ago. But as you said, that was before you were a single mom needing to support a family. Circumstances change, and the solutions to problems change too.

[cw68]

I'm breaking all the rules and it feels good! Got a call from the dentist today to remind H of his appointment Friday. His EA was with our dental hygienist, who was fired from that office last summer and then sued them for wrongful termination. I no longer go to that office for a different reason and had asked H to move because it was just bad blood. He obviously hasn't. Anyway, I told the lady that H no longer lived here, gave her his number and told her that L.C. was partly to blame then hung up. Childish, but MAN it felt good!! I don't even care if somehow it comes around to her and she knows that he's free. Last I heard, she was back with her husband and nothing I do will ever bring him back to me anyway.

Then I just sent H a text as he was driving away with the kids. "I hate u 4 what u r doing. There is any good in it 4 anyone except yourself. It's [censored] for the rest of us." Again, it felt soo good. I spent the 30 minutes before H picked the kids up comforting my S5 who kept saying over and over that he just wanted us together. D7 asked if we were ever going to get back together and before I could even answer, S5 said, "Never. It's never going to be good again." D7 was very sad and withdrawn today, too. This is killing me that it's hurting them, but I'm stepping up as best I can.

Regarding going back to school, I've actually changed my mind. I hired a career coach instead who can help me target appropriate jobs. She's a friend who has done wonders for people I know. I'm very excited that she's behind me. If the job search turns up nothing good after a while, I'll think about school again. What I was going to study isn't a big desire of mine, I'll see if I can do something more enjoyable first. If that doesn't work, then I'll use it as plan B. Besides, I think I'd rather "make it" on my own without any help from him.

[Sara]

You won't get any objections from me. This is what he wants. No point in sugar-coating it for him.