Holding Pattern

[JWS]

Thank you, you too are very important to me and I do not consider you as being to hard. Like I said i do have those doubts I just can't let them change who I am.

I know that she is expecting me to help her, and does not see why I would no so she will not see it as amazing, but someday this fog will life and she will see that the only person who has truly been there for her is me and that it was not to control her.

[JWS]

I am stuck in a rut, I can not seem to get myself back to the place i was last week. I was not this desperate or needy when she first left. I was so mad and blaming her that i did not feel needy. I cannot let go of this feeling that even though she left and she is not acting like my wife, i blew it this weekend so it’s my fault. I know that even best case she would not have stayed this weekend and i would still be alone now.

My mother, pastor and therapist all tell me the same thing, let her go trust in god and wait. That’s the plan i was following too, but these past two days she has had a tight hold on my mind. I guess I have to stay dark as well. She did send me a text about our puppy’s surgery, but I am not sure how to talk to her right now without being desperate and wanting to work things out.

I did find my first ever by myself apartment. I think that has got me freaked out and leading to a lot of this. The plan was always to get separate places and spilt our stuff for school but doing it on these terms sucks. I am trying to just picture us going along with our original plan and hope that in a few months I can date her at law school. All right enough pity I am going to find something to do.

[iamlost]

You didn't blow anything, you are amazingly strong.

[JWS]

Thanks i feel a bit better and am starting to believe that as well. I even let myself be a little excited for my new apartment this morning. I am starting to get my head back up. thanks

[JWS]

noting like a long exhausting but fun day at work to get my head back into the game. sorry for the winy posts, its been a hard few days.

I can now recognize that while i made a few mistakes i got a lot of progress as well. now she moves into her place i move into mine, and we work at our own passions for a while, that was the plan from the start. i just need to stick to that and give her time to see my support and changes and recognize that she does not want to live without me either.

TIME IS ON MY SIDE!!

[JCJ]

Hi JWS

Thanks for your post on my thread. Sounds like we have had pretty similar weeks! Hang in there, it's really tough but you can do it!

Julia

[iamlost]

You know, in a way, we're all lucky? Seriously, bear with me and hear me out.

I was looking for a quote to post to you JWS, and thought about when I was reading how so few people in the world seem to be 1) Put in a position of actually wanting to change themselves for the better and given the tools & support to do that 2) Know what they want enough to have a goal to reach for, an incentive to make those changes.

Although in certain ways I'm successful, in other ways I've floundered and switched direction several times in my life, because I really had no idea what I wanted.

Now, I feel I have a reason to head in a certain direction, to change my life in a substantial, vs. surface way.

It feels goood!!!

[JWS]

I think that you are totally right with that idea.

seeing her last weekend showed me the pain that she is in. you told me that in order to do what she is doing she has to be in complete pain and tring to feel better, you were absolutely right. i heard you but i did not listen. until i saw her i continued to think that she was not hurting and that it was all me. this lead to resentment and bitterness.

seeing her in pain and knowing that I caused it has made me relook at things. i have made good changes and I am not going to fall back from those but i see that there are areas for many more. i am not taking al the blame here i know it took two to get her but it only takes one to tango.

even without tying too i have been focusing on my pain and our R when i speak with her. this is going to change. right now she is scared for school and that is all she is focused on. so from now on (at least throughout the first term) that is all i am focused on too. she needs a friend and i want that friend to be me. I know that there is room for me in her heart i have seen it, so i am going to let God and her work that out.

From now on when i talk to her (witch includes seeing her today) its how you doing, what do you need from me for school and i am so excited for you.

I need to let things go. all this crap with talking to other guys is stupid. she si flirting or what ever to feel something and i am allowing pain from the past to cloud my head with distrust. I have told her and myself 1000 times i forgive her for what happened a year ago, but my actions have not backed that up, so no they will. I need to stop making things up in my head. there is no need to forgive her for what is happening now. that implies that she is wrong and i am right and she must make up to me and that is just not the case. we are both hurt and we are both making mistakes.


new plan,
All about law school
all about her unless she asks about me
forgive forget and move on with a peaceful mind.
Allow God to work and stop getting in his way

thanks for bearing with me through a crappy week to allow me to get to this point, and thanks for my mother who had to beat me out of self pity and into a peaceful mind.

[iamlost]

Quote from Michelle on forgiveness: "Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is you, no matter what the circumstances...

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future."

Like your new plan. Don't forget to drop info on your GALing with her. Be mysterious & cultivate her interest in asking about you.

[JWS]

Well today I had the most wonderful day with my best friend and I would like to tell you all about it. I was going to go to a wedding of a very good friend today. I had asked her if she wanted to go with me and she said no. I was going to be flying there (I am a pilot by the way) and she said she would really like to go flying. I asked if I blew off the wedding would you go flying with me. She said yes. So I did. She meet me at the airport and as soon as we got into the plane it was perfect. Even before we took off we were talking and having a great time like old friends. We flew up to the lake and spent two hours checking out everything that we grew up seeing and taking pictures. The entire time we enjoyed each others company and teased back and forth.

She said that she was hungry so we dropped in to a small airport on the lake, and took a cab into town to a nice restraunt on the water. We spent two perfect hours eating and talking. It seemed as she was trying to bait me a bit like last week telling me about her game and guys she has been hanging out with and getting drunk with but I did not bite off, I just said cool and let it be. I talked about school a lot and how much I would be there for her. She even let me take her hand and tell her how proud I was of her. Then I said there is nothing to big between us and that was too much, so I backed off. Then we went back to the airport just were took in the scenery around us. I told her it was way to beautiful not to get a hug and she agreed and hugged me. Then we took off, more sight seeing til she started to feel ill because it was bumpy. We went back to the city and landed.

While putting the plane away we made eye contact and just held it for 5 mins, we stared into each others eyes. I could not help but start talking, so I did. We talked and stared into each others eyes for almost 20 mins. I told her I know that I had hurt her and only my actions would make up for it. And please find it in you to forgive. I was totally on board for law school and those were not just words. It went really well and she was really hearing me. Then I told her all I wanted for my up coming birthday was for her to put her ring back on and be my wife even if she did not like me. I said I am not asking for you to move back in with me just be part of this marriage. She said she could not. But it did not catch me off guard because I expect her to speak in negatives and I played cool.

That hurt but it was the only down side to 5 wonderful hours with my friend. They we went out to dinner with my folks witch was very nice as well, we interacted in every way as if we always have, just not touching or I love yous. Then we parted and I was able to leave her exactly with the memory that I want her to have for me. I know right now she is num to be but I have been able to say how I feel and that I know where I made mistakes, I am here for you and a great guy and the balls in your court.

I know it was not perfect but it was as close to perfection as I could have ever imagined in this situation in the past 8 weeks. The hardest part for me is seeing her in such a wonderful light. I was soooooooooo attracted to her and for a while forgot our problems. Before I got the hug I found myself massaging her neck, she was loving it but said your lucky that I am sore or this would not be happening. I just laughed and said I know. I felt bummed afterwards because I know exactly what I am missing,. That being said I am doing all that I can. I know that I am a great guy and I want her to see that on her own. I don’t want to drag her along through this and have her accept me because I begged for it and leave me again latter, I want her to realize what she has and that she can still have it.

I planted some great seeds today but I know that they will take quite some time and watering for them to grow.