... the thought of living without my H sends me into such a panic I can't stand it. And yet every day that goes by, I have less respect for myself, wondering why I am putting up with this. I think the biggest part is my fear that no one will ever love me and that I will always be alone, shrivelled and bitter as my children grow up and leave.
I'm not quite sure how to respond. I don't know how you could have gone so long like this and maintain your sanity. Maybe you are stronger than you think - you are certainly stronger than I am to stand for so long for your marriage. But it's a choice that we make, and we have to take responsibility for our choices and our lives. I can't live my life thinking that I have no control - it just took me a long time to finally grab the wheel and drive, even though I don't have a map and have no idea where I will end up.
I keep thinking about my D and what I want her to learn from me - it would break my heart to discover that she learned from me that her happiness depends upon another person and if that person didn't want her, she was worth nothing. And maybe that's what's brought me to this place, the thought of having to look my D in the eye when she eventually asks those questions about what happened between her father and I.
Like I said, I don't have the answers, but bit by bit and day by day I have forced myself to face the possibility of losing my H, until I was ready to let him go. I deserve way more than he was giving me, and so do you. I will continue to post my story.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
