The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

For any of you who have followed my previous threads, you may recall that since about Dec 07 I have been harbouring a suspicion that H has been seeing OW, or at least been in contact w/ her, despite repeated denials.

For the rest of you, a very brief recap: I first discovered H's affair in July 06 and he told that it was over back then; then H moved out in Mar 07 to "figure things out" maintaining the A was non-existent. I discovered in Aug 06 that the A was going on all along, again H told me it was over, and again I discovered it was going on in Oct 07. About a month after that I decided to give him another chance & H told me it was really over.
BUT, as usual in my story, there were little things that tickled at the back of my mind, pieces that didn't quite fit together, explanations that didn't sit entirely well with me. Of course, I was continuing to DB, GAL, becoming more and more detached, giving H time and space, allowing him to feel more and more comfortable with the notion of coming home. Walking hand in hand with my suspicion was the fact that I was seeing those small positive changes in our situation that Michelle asks us to look for. Things were okay and getting better all the time.

Two weeks ago, H had come back from a business trip to Europe where he had much trouble calling me or emailing me & was basically unreachable (I know - DUH!!!) but he did manage to send an email telling me how much he missed me, how lonely he was and how much he looked forward to coming home. When he did get back, he was at the house constantly, stayed over nearly every night and did everything to make me feel that we were headed towards reconciliation. I was feeling great. And then the weekend before last, something clicked.

The next morning as I was getting ready for work, a voice inside my head told me that today I needed to go see H and talk to him right away, that my marriage depended on it. So I called in sick, dropped D off at school and drove to H's apartment. I was not surprised to see OW's car, parked across the street. I parked my car in a spot where I could watch but not be easily seen, and I waited. I read a book while I waited to take my mind off my nervousness, but in the back of my mind I was figuring out what I going to do and say. Eventually OW went to her car, got something and walked back into H's place. I waited some more. Then they both came out, H hugged and kissed her and she drove away. Within 5 minutes I was knocking on H's door. H did a very good job of trying to hide his surprise. I was calm, I was in control of my emotions. I talked to H, asked him some questions, told him some things I was thinking and feeling and left.

As I walked away, I called OW's cell and told her that it was happening all over again. She called me back a little while later, telling me how shocked she was but she couldn't talk then and would call me back. She also told me that she and H had gone away together during the time H was supposed to be in Europe. Late the next night, OW called me and spent 3 hours crying and wailing about what had happened, why her, how could he, she had no idea, and then started telling me that she had had suspicions, everything had been wonderful between them, he was going to marry her, and so on and so forth. I listened and agreed and waited to hear her say that she would not take him back if he asked for another chance. I didn't actually believe it when she said it, but I did want to hear her say it.

Over the course of last week, I didn't talk much to H, but he sent me a few messages about being sorry, not wanting me to give up, etc. I decided it was time to give H an ultimatum; I was ready for the "After The Last Resort" technique. I had nothing to lose. I was ready to get on w/ my life. I was done with this, really and truly done and I was not afraid of losing H. I wrote my ultimatum letter and then called H and said that I wanted to meet w/ him to talk about some things. We made a date for last Fri night to have dinner and go for a walk - D had plans to stay over at a friend's house.

H picked me up and we drove to the restaurant he had picked, talking very little, and mainly about D. We went for a drink before dinner and I started The Conversation. All through dinner we talked. I asked questions, H answered, H talked about him and OW and what had been going on w/ them, how their relationship was coming to an end but she wouldn't accept it. After dinner we walked and talked more, and over the course of the evening I gradually told him that it was time for him to either come back or move on, but if he had any doubts about what he wanted, not to even try with me. He took me home and I asked him to come in for a minute. I gave him my ultimatum letter and sat with him while he read it. Then he left.

I want you all to know that my letter was very loving but also very firm and clear - I needed to make sure H understood exactly what I was saying, exactly where I stood. I used the guidelines given on the Beyond Affairs Website on how to write an ultimatum letter to your spouse -

EDITED--ADVERTISING IS NOT ALLOWED.


I made it very clear what my conditions are: stop any and all contact w/ OW for the rest of his life and give me proof that the affair is over, move back home, and be transparent and honest with me about everything, cell phone, email, etc. If he could not meet those conditions, then I could not be a part of his life at all and I would move on with my life and find happiness without him.

After two years, I am sure about this. I am no longer willing to live in limbo. I am no longer afraid of living my life without him. I am ready to let him go and move on with my life. There will be no other chances; this is the last time I will consider trying to make our marriage work. I outlined the conditions that I need in order to move forward with him, and I told him to be very, very certain of what he wants because unless he is willing to fulfill my conditions, there would be no relationship between us, except as co-parents.

It wasn't an easy thing to do and I have been waffling about this for a very long time. I very nearly didn't give him the letter that night, thinking that I probably got my message across verbally, but in the end I knew that for him to really know that I was dead serious, it had to be in black and white for him to read over and over again if he doubted my sincerity. Michelle is right - you can't do this if you have any doubt at all. It has taken me two years to be strong enough to let my H go, if that's what he wants.

Things are strained right now between us, because he is afraid, uncomfortable, ashamed. He says I am putting pressure on him, and I said that he needs to be sure of what he wants and to expect pressure - my life has been on hold for two years and I'm not going to live that way anymore. I am not backing down. I will push him to live up to my conditions or we are finished. I have told him that I cannot move forward with him until my conditions are met, and I believe that he knows I am serious.

I know this may not be considered DBing by most of your standards and many of you may tell me that I am making a mistake, that he will run back into the tunnel. Maybe it will work, maybe not, but this is what I have decided that I need to do for me, and H needs to know that he WILL lose me if he does not wake up. I think I recall reading on 40/60 that often it takes a crisis to pull them out of their MLC. Well I am provoking a crisis.

I will post more as my situation develops.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

GOOD for YOU!

LRT isn't a trick, really, good for you.

[fooled again]

Thanks Jack. Not using it as a trick - this really is the Last Resort, Last Chance, Last Time, Last Anything. But I had to be sure.

I'm sure

FA

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No, I know you're not using it as a trick.

Come what comes, you're going to be fine now.

And I am glad for you.

[Florie]

Wow. I so enjoyed reading your post. I am only a month in and feel like I am backsliding all over the place. It is refreshing to see that you know what you want and are taking steps to ensure you on your terms. And that you will be okay any way that it works out. I really admire how you handled this and I think it is great that you are doing what is best for you. I will be thinking about you! If he doesn't choose to come back he isreally missing out on a wonderful person it sounds like.

[tmi]

I wish I could say the same, that I'm strong enough to let him go. I've been lied to and cheated on for years, and I'm still here. I'm pretty sure that if we didn't have children, I wouldn't be, but we do and anyway, the thought of living without my H sends me into such a panic I can't stand it. And yet every day that goes by, I have less respect for myself, wondering why I am putting up with this. I think the biggest part is my fear that no one will ever love me and that I will always be alone, shrivelled and bitter as my children grow up and leave. I've asked myself if I would go if there was someone one else waiting in the wings, but it doesn't really matter, as cheating just isn't me. If a relationship were moving at all in that direction, I would be incredibly uncomfortable - how stupid am I?

Anyway, I would love to know how it goes and what has given you this new strength. I'll keep checking in.

[sgctxok]

Dear fooled,

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[fooled again]

Oh Florie,

Thank you, but it has taken me so long to get here. When I first found out about H's A, I was a complete mess. I did go out & get a job, find a babysitter and do the things I needed to do for my survival. But then it was very, very bad for a very, very long time. I didn't even start DBing until H moved out, over a year ago. I clawed my way out of a dark hole, with much, much backsliding. Don't feel bad about that - I think it's part of the process that is very hard to avoid.

I'm no expert on this stuff, but I really hope that you are taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. It's the only way you can survive this.

Maybe he will choose not to come back, but if that's what he chooses, then that's the way it is to be. I remember something someone had written her on the BB's (and I apologize if I misquote her) - she said "It wasn't until I wasn't afraid to lose him, until I was able to let him go that he came back to me".

I know I'm strong enough to make it on my own. It HAS to be better than living the way I have for the past two years.

Good luck to you and your marriage.

FA

[Creed]

Fooled NoMore

I would imagine you're experiencing a certain inner peace right now. I think you've done a very difficult thing with amazing grace and strength.

I , too, believe that if your H decides to move on, he'll be giving up something he will not find again.

In the process, you've found yourself, and that is always an unexpected gift out of this whole journey, isn't it?

[fooled again]

Ingrid

... the thought of living without my H sends me into such a panic I can't stand it. And yet every day that goes by, I have less respect for myself, wondering why I am putting up with this. I think the biggest part is my fear that no one will ever love me and that I will always be alone, shrivelled and bitter as my children grow up and leave.

I'm not quite sure how to respond. I don't know how you could have gone so long like this and maintain your sanity. Maybe you are stronger than you think - you are certainly stronger than I am to stand for so long for your marriage. But it's a choice that we make, and we have to take responsibility for our choices and our lives. I can't live my life thinking that I have no control - it just took me a long time to finally grab the wheel and drive, even though I don't have a map and have no idea where I will end up.

I keep thinking about my D and what I want her to learn from me - it would break my heart to discover that she learned from me that her happiness depends upon another person and if that person didn't want her, she was worth nothing. And maybe that's what's brought me to this place, the thought of having to look my D in the eye when she eventually asks those questions about what happened between her father and I.

Like I said, I don't have the answers, but bit by bit and day by day I have forced myself to face the possibility of losing my H, until I was ready to let him go. I deserve way more than he was giving me, and so do you. I will continue to post my story.

FA