NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[JAK58]

Hey Nik, How are you ?

JAK

[NikB]

Thanks all!

Kris
Your text situation sounds the same as mine! When OW first showed up I honestly don't think he even knew HOW to text. Now he's bought a phone with the QWERTY keyboard on it so he can text easier. I'll give it a try and see how it goes.. I will be amazed if I end up liking it.

ST
Good point about having more time to respond, too.

Wow - you're right, lots of posts! Difference between kids and no kids, I think.

Michelle, H, Jak - thanks for visiting!

H
The thought of that text/pic coming from another guy's phone ... wow, now THAT would get H's head spinning!

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Unfortunately I didn't make it to class the other night. Very bummed, but the traffic was awful and class was half over by the time I got there (and not a great idea to jump in without the warmup and all that). Oh well, next week.

Been an interesting week. I'm letting anxiety get to me too much again. It all started with this - I need to get my car fixed. There's a recall on one item, and a few warranty items that I need to get repaired. The dealer I bought my car from has a GREAT, well respected service department. The problem is... it happens to be run by OW's latest boyfriend. (wonder if this one's married?)

I don't know a whole lot as I don't ask, but I do know that last fall she had some grand scheme that the 4 of us could all be friends. That I'd be fine with being around her now that she had a boyfriend. (WTF??? You had "boyfriends" the whole time you were involved in at least an EA with my H too, while you tore me apart and faked being my friend. Oh, and they were all married. Oh, and so were you. So no, the fact that you have a boyfriend is not exactly comforting.)

Anyway - I'm not even sure what prompted H to tell me this back in the fall, but he did, so I know a few details. He kept trying to tell me how great the guy was - at the time it felt like he was trying to tell me that the guy was "good enough" for her. Barf. Or maybe convince me that she's serious enough about him to stop being so icky around my H. Who knows. As part of this he was bragging about how the guy runs the service dept. where I bought my car from, and how they just won some award and how proud this guy was of the shop. Great.

I was calm for awhile but when he hinted at the "all 4 of us be friends" thing a second time in the same convo, I totally went off. "Why on earth would I be around that b***ch again after what she did to me when she was pretending to be my friend the first time around", her having a boyfriend is totally irrelevant since she has no idea what faithful means, did he know that I almost threw up in the grocery store when I saw the back of her head, that I'm switching dentists so I don't risk running into her, etc.?? Ugh and no, I was not so proud of that reaction.

Aaanyway.. that was all last fall. Fast forward to this week. I had forgotten the whole dealership thing. I got a reminder about the recall, and asked H for his opinion on where to take my car (original dealer vs. the one closer to our house). He's a mechanic, so it makes sense to ask the expert right? The minute he started talking about how fantastic the service dept. was at the original dealer, I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I still struggle soo much with sharing my fears and stuff with him. The good stuff no problemo, the bad stuff I'm afraid. Not to mention, I'm pissed at myself that I still give her this much "power" in my life. I so admire the people who can run into the OP and be fine with it. I can't IMAGINE getting to that point. Maybe because she was "in" my life so much or something.

I kept hemming and hawing and I finally managed to stammer "I had forgotten about that dealership. There are people there I don't want to deal with, so I don't want to take my car there." Ugh talk about vague right? He knew (sorta) what I meant. He started to say that she isn't there very often and I said "No, him either, I just want nothing to do with any of that." Then he offered to take the car for me and I said thanks but no, I wanted to handle it myself, and I didn't want to encourage any more contact with him (and by extension her) than necessary for work. Ugh. (I should have left the last part out).

He brought it up again last night that the original place is really good, I should consider it. I said "I'm sorry if you don't understand why it's a problem for me but no, I will not be going there. And yes, it bothers me that I feel that way, but I still won't go there."

For some dumb reason, I am letting this affect me WAY too much. I'm flashing back to last fall when I was setting up my "room" and looking at condos and talking to lawyers.

Things are so good. H is pursuing me more, we're talking more. And I'm letting this crap get to me, make me anxious, and as a result I've been kinda snappy. I need to get better about sharing my actual feelings with him, not snapping about unrelated stuff. grrr, why is this so difficult to get through my head?? Changing a lifelong pattern I guess and that's never easy... but man it's frustrating.

My #1 goal today is clearing this stuff out of my head and not letting it affect me ANY more this week. Not worth it and I need to get my PMA back! Maybe spilling it all out here will help.

Oh, and maybe posting a list of positives this week will too!

- Last weekend H and I talked a lot about how work has slowed down for him. Between that, the racing, and the gas prices rising, he's been pretty broke lately and it's bothering him. I thought it was great that he talked to me about all this. (for reference we keep our money separate and split the bills, the rest of what's left is our own $$ to do whatever we want with). I empathized with him a lot and we talked about ideas to reduce other costs to help.

- As an offshoot of the above convo - I suggested (and H agreed) that I could start packing both our lunches. He usually goes out 5 days a week and I do maybe 2-3 (usually just the office salad bar but still, bag lunch is cheaper). We both try to keep it cheap but it adds up. I spent some time Sunday making stuff for all week's lunches. He was really grateful. The first day at work he said everyone was teasing him about not going out to lunch, they even LOOKED THROUGH his lunch and said "Well obviously YOU didn't pack this" (because it was so neatly packaged). We both had a big laugh over that. Every day he thanks me a lot for doing this.

- Side benefit of the lunch thing - I know that at least some of those lunches out were with or at least included OW. Yeah I know she might just bring her lunch now too but somehow it makes me happier to think that if that is in fact the case, at least they're in the work breakroom and he's eating the stuff I lovingly prepared for him.

- I had let my GAL slip a bit last week so back on track with that. Weds. night I met up with some friends after work for happy hour (which turned into happy hours ).

- I DID try the text thing (before I saw OT's note, that's a great future idea!). It was a short flirty note, nothing major. I was bummed because he didn't write anything back - then I was freaking out that I accidentally sent it wrong. Turns out the phone was in the car so he didn't get it til after work. He called me twice on my way home from work asking how far I was from home, how much longer would I be, etc. Thought that was funny. Got home and he was ummm... definitely in a very frisky mood! Not sure if it was the text or just happened to be the timing but we had a verrry good time.

- More GAL'ing - lots of plans for the coming weeks/weekends which I'm excited about. Tomorrow night a "girls night" meetup (including about 5 ladies I already know). One friend met them last weekend and said it's an awesome group. Should be fun! Saturday going with my Mom, Bro, and SIL to the Sunset Magazine "celebration weekend" - basically it's a big open house at their facility. You can check out cooking demos, gardening demos, food/beer/wine tasting, look at their gardens and test kitchen, etc. We go most years and it's really fun! H is invited but he's helping a friend with a racecar motor instead. No biggie, probably not really his thing anyway. The next weekend, doing a "safari" thing in Santa Rosa (yes H, Santa Rosa!) with my Dad, bro, and SIL for Father's day.

- I think I've talked H into trying out kayaking with me, maybe this Sunday. If not, one of the ladies from last night also wants to learn, so she and I can go.

- I got my time off!! WOO HOO!!!! . So 6/13 - 6/22 H and I are both off, with no plans and not much money. I'm excited to find creative ways to make it a fun week together! (and totally thrilled that he invited me to take the time off with him when his was kinda "forced" by his work).

I feel better already.

[NikB]

For those who don't read Newcomers anymore, I just wanted to share this post:

Beautiful (and heartbreaking) post from an almost WAW

Boy does it give some insight into what my H, as the WAS, went/is going through. I am still choking back tears thinking about it. (no I'm not going to dwell on it, but it is sure insightful and a good reminder of just how long the healing can take)

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Sounds really good Nik! and I'm glad you know what's bothering you about the dealership thing. It's just something that takes time to totally heal and if it's causing changes in your behavior, you should really talk to H about it and tell him it's something your working on and to forgive you for your snappiness.

I still had my own thoughts to deal with for a long time. I wish I could remember how long it was before those thoughts meant nothing to me. I can still visualize that pic of her on his phone, and I tell you truthfully, it brings no emotion to me at all right now. I imagine it took almost a year before I got to that point, maybe not that long, but part of it is knowing 100% that your H is back and that the OW is out of the picture and all that. You've gone thru your sitch for so long, that I imagine getting over these feelings is going to be harder for you. especially since you had more than 1 bomb. It's going to make it harder for you to fully open yourself up to him, but the more his actions prove to you that he IS back, the easier it will get.

Very happy for you about getting off of work! definitely try to get creative with H and make it fun! and YES you should definitely get some pics to send to him or something. and YES he was horny because of your text. I'm almost certain. I bet he was thinking about you as soon as he read it until he saw you.

[MichelleLT]

YAY for the time off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And YAY for the text and friskiness!!!!!

(((Nik)))

[Reincarnated]

Nikki--
Good for you for being upfront about the dealership thing.
GREAT for you about the friskiness
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you,
Donna

[james85395]

Hey Nik, congrats on standing up for yourself. Next time don't hum and ha through it though. Be sincere and direct about your uncomfort. Make it about her though not your distrust in him. Have a blast on your vacation. Goto a B&B or camping to get away from everything and just have nature and your own carnal instincts.

[NikB]

Thanks all! Countdown to vacation is on... I am SO excited!!

Haven't tried another text, but have tried a few flirty comments and more friskiness.

ST
Yeah, I guess it will take a long time to heal. And on top of that I'm not sure HOW to go about starting that healing knowing that he's still in contact with her as his "BFF" (barf!!!) or at least I think he is. Wow.. no emotion from the pic? That's amazing. I look forward to getting there.

Donna
Thank you!!

James
Thanks for checking in! Yes, definitely need to get better at expressing myself more directly. (if OT is reading, she'll confirm that one for sure! ).

I'm not so sure on making it about her though. While I think what she did is disgusting and the way she treated me was awful (partly my fault for allowing it), it's about ME protecting myself. Right now, that means avoiding her and anything that reminds me of her. And to some degree, it IS about distrust in him. I mean.. he's the one who made the commitment to me, it was on HIM not to have an A - EA, PA, whatever, and he's the one who has not cut off communication with her. (yes he's cut it WAY back and I believe he now thinks it's at an "appropriate" level - which I will need to talk to him about soon - but he hasn't cut it completely).

I am soooo not a camping person. BUT - we are going up to his Mom's cabin in Tahoe for a few days. It's my kinda camping - beautiful trees, gorgeous sights, open land, log cabin - and a warm, soft bed and shower.

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So as I mentioned vacation is almost here! H is funny, he's REALLY emphasizing how he doesn't want to spend a bunch of money on things this week. It's striking me funny because I'm not exactly "high maintenance." I mean yeah I ENJOY meals out and vacations and whatnot, but I don't "demand" them or something, and I enjoy plenty of free activities too (some of my favorite memories are picnics in the park or at the lake). I'm happy eating in and renting a movie or sitting by the fireplace or whatever, too (well not right now, it's like 95 degrees outside, but you get the idea ).

We've decided to split the vaca up a bit. Some of it will be working hard to catch up on things around the house that we've let slip - his idea, BTW. I had it in mind too, but he was the first to mention it. I sure as heck didn't want to turn his vacation into a "honey do" list but there is a lot we're just plain behind on. We'll do a lot of that Friday and this weekend.

Monday, we're leaving for the aforementioned cabin in Tahoe. Sooo excited to go up there. I love that place. It should be beautiful. I think he was concerned THAT part would get pricey. I kid you not, he was saying "And maybe we can take food out of the fridge, you know, stuff that was going to go bad or has been in the freezer awhile, so we might not even have to buy groceries." (am I the only one who finds that odd/funny??). "And we should take our bikes, it's great to ride around by the lake, and it's free!" At some point this week I jokingly said "Well maybe we could go out ONE night, to [our fave place up there, not all that pricey]?" and he looked almost defeated. Oops.

So like I said, I'm getting the feeling it's really important to him both that we make it a "cheap" week and that we can have fun and connect and all that, and maybe even approach this "challenge" together. When I saw the look on his face after my comment about going out I said "Of course all I REALLY want is their garlic soup [it's sooo good, we literally want to lick the bowl right there in the restaurant every time], maybe we can get some to go and take it back to the cabin with us." He seemed to like that idea. Whew.

The weekend should have a few fun things too. Sat. night is my little sister's dance recital. She's gotten really good and gets to do one of the dances with the teachers this time - she's super excited about that. Sunday is the "Safari" with my Dad, bro, SIL, and sis for Father's day. I've always wanted to do that so I'm looking forward to it.

I'll check in on everyone soon!

[MichelleLT]

I am so glad you guys get to do the vacation thing. I hope it turns out great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((Nikki)))

I like the whole idea of it being a challenge to tackle together. Good connections there.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I liked your save on the restaurant idea. that is kinda weird how he's wanting this to be a no cost vaca. was he like that before? did he ever consider you as high maintenance?

I've noticed that since my galing, and not being so protective of our money, that H and I's roles have changed: now H is the one that says "that's too expensive" etc. (well, sometimes, he still goes and buys big things every now and then). So maybe the same has happened with you?

Well, I can't wait to hear how your camping trip goes. that will be really fun! you should bring your sexiest lingerie!