2 down 3 to go! NRT

[JenInVen]

Guys,

If H said that he was ok with D spending Summers with him and going to school in Canada I'd move back there. I'm not sure when or if I should bring this up to him though.

Jen

[TwinDad]

Jen,

I think I would wait until the school year was getting close to where you would need to register your Daughter. The you could always say, I am thinking about taking D to Canada for the school year and have her spend the summers with H. Assuming this is what you really want. I imagine you have enough family that could put you and D in a place until you got one of your own. Just be prepared for him to agree to it.

I seems odd that he would agree to end an EA one minute and talk about the two of you living in different countries the next. Does he seem very confused to you?

[JenInVen]

Hi TD

If I decide to go he wants me to go first and get settled (find a job and somewhere to live) Then D could go. I know he wants her to be taken care of as do I.

The EA ended some time ago and it was very short. I told him that even though thats over he cannot be friends with her. It's not fair that he talks to her or they have lunch. If he wants a friendship with me he cannot have one with her. I told him life was about choices and this is a choice...me or her. He chose me. I don't give a rats ar*e how he feels about it because he's hurt me and he knows it.

I seems odd that he would agree to end an EA one minute and talk about the two of you living in different countries the next. Does he seem very confused to you?

The 2 topics came almost 45 minutes apart. He brought up the living situation first and then about 45 minutes later I told him what I needed from him in regards to "her". He is somewhat confused but not about "her". Tells me he wants to do the right thing and this for now is right. I think he feels and has felt helpless for some time in regards to out M/R and now he has some control.

Jen

[JenInVen]

Hi

So now it all about me! He claims that by asking him to choose I was being selfish! WTH? I was being selfish? Me?

In any case he did make the decision and now I have to make the desision to let it all go.

By God if my M is over then so shall his friendship with her. But now the pressure is off and I need to focus on more important issues.

Jen

[TwinDad]

Hey,

Jen you are right to have him give up the EA or the friendship or whatever he wants to call it. I had an EA that turned into a friendship afterwards and I can say it truly had a negative impact on my M, as innocent as it might have seemed (at least to me at the time).

As far as being selfish, I probably said or would have said the same thing at the time. It wouldn't make me right. I thought I was right at the time.....but I was very wrong.

If he is worried about being selfish then he has some feelings for this girl. When I finally ended my friendship for real, I had absoluyely no regrets aside from the hurt I caused everyone including the EA partner. I haven't looked back since.

If he sticks to his word (which won't be easy, not a reflection on him, just the effect of an EA/inappropriate friendship) then you may see an improvement in your M. I know with me it was like a burden had been lifted off me which allowed me to be more loving to my W.

Are you throwing in the towel or just having a bad day or perhaps expecting a better homecoming than you received and the result didn't meet your expectations. I know how crushing it can be to get your hopes up for a certain result and then not have that met.

[addie]

If I decide to go he wants me to go first and get settled (find a job and somewhere to live) Then D could go. I know he wants her to be taken care of as do I.

Jen, before you make any decisions find out what the laws are re taking D to live in another country. I'm not sure what your rights are if you leave D there with H. Just being cautious.

[JenInVen]

Thanks TD and Addie.

I know nothing was going on with her but a friendship was uncomfortable for me and there was always the "what if" element. I just need to allow myself to trust that the friendship is over. Problem was that she kept the friendship secret from her H and he never knew about the EA. I found out yesterday that she took my H off her facebook friends list. I'm sure her H was onto something. It's obvious that the friendship wasn't a good thing because if it was her H would know about the friendship. What a woman eh?

And onto the present. The past is just that "past"

Jen

[JenInVen]

Addie, I'll definitely check into it if we do decide to do things that way. I'll need to get an custody agreement for sure.

I'm still hoping that H will come around. But I still need to get on with what's important.

Jen

[TwinDad]

And onto the present. The past is just that "past"

Great attitude!!!

If it is relationship that you are not comfortable then it is one that he shouldn't have and if it is one that he insists on having then you at the very least should be included in it fully. But realistically, he should respect your wishes. Of course being sep takes away a lot of leverage.

Also if she was keeping it from her H, then she obviously felt something more than just a friendship. I can't judge the women, mainly because I have regretably been in her shoes before, but I have learned enough to know just how damaging this whole thing can be to the R and M havnig recently been on your side of the "triangle". Needless to say I have learnt my lesson.

I know when I maintained my friendship, I would often maintain a negative view towards my R and M and was often confused during this time period. It is when I realized that if I put my effort of maintaining this friendship and put it towards my M, what a better position I woudl be in. Of course this is also when things started to go down hill so I am playing catch-up.

You will likely see an improvement in your R with your H if he stops having this friendship. She was likely meeting one of your H's needs that he need to get met and if you are willing to fill that void, you could see a nice improvement. Valentine had a nice post in the Midlife board with title 80/20 that kind of explains it a little bit.

I agree with addie, proceed with caution with regards to moving. It sounds like your H likes haveing you as the main person to take care of your D, but I wouldn't chance anything.

[JenInVen]

Thanks TD. She was very concerned that I would tell her H and I must confess I was tempted! I sent her a Mothers Day greeting (along with other Moms I knew) and she told my H!!!

Very stupid little things really. I think that H was also meeting her needs too. I know that her H wasn't communicative with her but my H was. She got this need met through him. I don't know what H got from her though. Maybe simple friendship. We lost that along the way.

I know he feels bad for what happened but he really doesn't/didn't see anything wrong with being friends with her. He's not very empathetic I'm afraid.

Jen