So my son has been exhibiting signs of depression lately. He has been having crying fits and saying his feels empty inside and he is never going to trust anyone again. Last night was really bad so I tried to call H to talk w him. Could not get ahold of him so left him an email describing things S was saying. He called me at 11pm and we started to talk. It then spiraled into I am to blame for the way S is feeling because I have put S in the middle by saying that I want to work on M. And the blame just kept coming. He said I was ruining my S life by stealing him away from his dad and that if I knoew what was best for S I would move right back home. I was destroying any stability he had and that is why he is so depressed right now.
Of course you are not to blame for your son's depression. I know my son is a little depressed and mad at his dad for checking out of our family for several months; and your son may be experiencing some of that also I don't know? I do take my kids to a therapist and she said they are fine, but therapy is a good time during separation or divorce b/c it is just a stressful time of course. My husband is a blamer too, would blame me when he lost his keys or when I picked a movie he hated he would go off on a tirade (Enchanted was not that bad I don't think and the kids & I liked it). That was the kind of excuses and blaming he put on me; but the truth is my H wanted an affair, to be single, escape responsibility, etc. and I guess the guilt would probably crush them if they didn't come up with lame blaming and excuses for their actions. But the main thing is, you shouldn't let him go off on you with blaming stuff like that. Of course it's all ridiculous, but just say that you are making the best choices you can for the family and you do not need to listen to that.
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He then went on to say, up until I left, even though he was with OW, his heart was still not closed to me. He was open to the possibilty of reconsilliation. WTF!
Again other WAS rationalization; nothing was his fault, it was all yours! My H says stuff like that too, again I guess they can't face what they have done or something. It is really common for the WAS to try to make us the "bad guys" which is ridiculous, but if they didn't do that they probably wouldn't be able to live with themselves I think.
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I told him as long as there was OW, there was no M. And as long as he did not want MC, there was nothing for me to go back to, we were staying put. I could just hear the anger pouring out of him.
Again, please don't let him yell at your or blame you. Tell him you will leave or hang up if he does that, and then do it. I have a "toxic" H too, and since I have been doing that, we actually are getting along better, at least I am not going through so much stress or migraines. Karen
Karen
