My computer died yesterday, so I am using the computer my H and the kids use - the keyboard has some issues, so if funny characters show up in my words, just ignore them.
I am so stuck, in the same place where I have been stuck off and on for years. What kind of life is this when I have to wonder every minutes of every day whether my H is having an EA or a PAÉ (É is a question mark) I am so ready to not feel this way, but whenever I think of him actually leaving, I know I canèt (è is an apostrophe) be the one to initiate it, because if I tell him to leave, it will be with the hope that he will suddenly realize that he loves me and must stop being an a----le. Since thatès not likely to happen, my only option is apparently to continue to live like this and Ièm pretty sure that thatès not a good thing.
This Friday, my H is spending the night away from home, at a work event. He says he has never had an affair with a co-worker, but for months now there is this weird tension whenever the subject of his office comes up. Of course, I donèt know if thatès just me.
I think that spouses are invited to the event. I couldnèt go anyway, as my daughter will have just returned from a week away camping with her class and my son has a baseball game that evening, so one of us has to be here. Ièd really rather spend the evening with my kids than the people my H works with, but it hurts that he didnèt even ask.
I want to ask him if other spouses are going. I want to ask him what the tension is about. Ièm not supposed to, rightÉ How long am I supposed to just keep going like things are normalÉ
How can I DB both ways - ask for what I want while giving him his space, etc.É
I donèt really know when this latest EA started, but I do know that when he didnèt move out in January and I wasnèt spending any time on the board, I let expectations creep in again. The longer he stayed, the more I èslippedè back into thinking that I could depend on him for reassurance and emotional support, which I think is a big part of the problem - he can barely handle his own need for emotional support, so mine just is too much. I know how he feels in a way, because I have a rather strong reaction to neediness from my mother since things really began to fall apart in my M. Itès all I can do to keep moving for my kids and to keep up with work - I have no energy for anyone elseès problems right now. At least not in real life, I seem to be able to spend a lot of time here
I know that I need to be strong and not fall apart right now. Every other time weève been down this path, I have handled it in the least effective way I possibly could, I think - if I had found DB the first time, we wouldnèt be here now. Although Ièm not sure if I could have taken it in then. It may not have been a big enough shock to make me see myself as clearly as I think I do now. Not that seeing all by itself makes any difference and boy are the behaviours hard to change.
Anyway, now Ièm wondering how stupid it is to send him off to a an overnight event at which there will be lots of alcohol and women really horny from the online-phone sex heès likely having and because he and I will not have had sex for two weeks at that point. I know Ièm really feeling it, he must be going nuts (no pun intended). I donèt think heès actually having sex with anyone, but I am (as Iève said before) apparently really easy to fool. Then on Saturday, heès going out of town on business until Wednesday. He said that he had a hard time telling me about the trip èeven though itès fineè - meaning thereès nothing going on but business. I guess thereès been lots of other times when there was something else going on.
Ièm not supposed to force him to make a choice, to say - itès her or me, rightÉ So I havenèt said that. I havenèt done anything, really, except start wearing clothes to bed. Iève told him Ièm not willing to share and although he is clearly interested in sex, he hasnèt said that heès not doing anything anymore. Can I askÉ He knows that I am struggling with wanting to have sex, but is it possible he doesnèt realize that I think his affair is still going on, when he thinks heès told me that it isnètÉ It sometimes takes me a few questions to figure out what he means, because expressing himself does not come easily, and I havenèt been asking questions. Confusion and misunderstanding is not going to help us - how can get some clarity without it turning into a emotional relationship talkÉ
My H has been finding excuses to touch me, sometimes crossing the line into groping. I canèt stand the thought that this is happening only because some other woman is turning him on and thereès not way Ièm going to be able to have sex thinking that that is the case. He is still keeping his cell phone in his car - the thing that made me suspicious enough to check in the first place - so it must still be going on.
Imagine a big string of swearing here, mostly the F word. I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!
I donèt know how to move off this place. I donèt know how to stop loving my H. I donèt know how to stop hoping that things will get better, that he will become motivated to help me change things. If he were to make that commitment, I would do my best to let the past be the past, something that I wasnèt really trying to do before. Can I ask for thisÉ I guess not unless Ièm willing to let him go, unless I tell him what I need while feeling strong enough to end this M.
