Strangely enough, yesterday I had a very strange sense of calm. I mean, eerily calm. And it was like as if someone just spoke in my head... It's going to be okay. I heard those words in my head, literally. So now that you all think I'm nuts or something, something else odd transpired.
My father is a hiker. He goes on hiking trips every year. My SS was getting more and more curious about it, and this year, being he's turning 12 this month, he's old enough to explore this new outdoor adventure. So, my father asked my H and SS if they would like to go on a hiking trip several months back. My SS got excited, and my father started make the plans, checking equipment, etc. He too was getting excited, and for the first time, my SS and my father were 'bonding', now in stead of the neighbor next door, it was getting to be like nephew and uncle. You have to remember that my H's children are my parents grandchildren, but my SK don't treat them or see them the same as "grandma and grandpa". It's been a long road for them, but finally, the kids are responding to them well.
Then, the rug was pulled out. My father attempted to contact my H about the camping trip with a couple of emails about a month ago. H never responded. A week ago, my father asked me what my thoughts were. I told him, if H hasn't responded to you, he probably won't. He is really self absorbed right now. If he does respond to you, than it's possible that he's figuring it out.
After a month of no communication, my father was just about to make alternative plans, and take a co-worker with his son with him, when H responded to his email yesterday. My mother was the one to give me the details, and apparently, H blamed his no response on soccer... which I can see being half the truth. He told my father that he doesn't think he'll go because he feels guilty that he's been spending all this time with SS and not SD, and he wants to spend more time with SD. Now, yes, I can understand and believe this is all true. But I also know that he's feeling the pinch because the truth is, I'm not there to watch SD if he goes on this trip and I bet his mother is putting some pressure on him.
So, my mother and father discussed it, and they decided that my dad will just ask if SS would like to go alone, and that will leave H free to spend time with SD, unhampered. LMAO!!! So, we'll see what he comes up with.
So, it seems that he's coming out of the woodwork... maybe. I thought it interesting.
Yes, so I have decided to hold off on contacting him. I have a few weeks before I really need to get things from the house, so I'll wait patiently and see what transpires out of this.
I hope they have a good time together. Maybe your SS will have alot of good things to say about you, to boost your spirits. Who knows maybe your H will contact you to see if you have heard from them onthe trip, etc.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Yeah, I was thinking on the same line... but it could be premature, because I don't know and won't know until later this evening what my H's response will be. I can only image two things... either his answer will be no, and give some excuse, or pass it on that my SS doesn't want to go alone, or it could very well be yes, and that will be a positive turn. But I'm not banking on it. Just have to wait and see, I guess.
Well, I called today, because I was going to be in the area of the house pretty much all day today, so I just decided to call. Get it over with, right? As I expected, he didn't pick up the phone. He changed the voice message, and simplified it from the old one, he sounds very curt in this message, angry. I just simply said, It's me, Jane. I just wanted to get some things from the house, and wondered if you would be home. I'll be in the area for awhile, so when you get this message, will you please call me? Thanks, Bye.
I know that he got the message and is ignoring me. This is what he does to his exs. He screens the calls and lets them 'talk to the machine', and then he makes them wait before he calls them. So, I know what I'm up against. It makes me sad, not in the "it hurts my feelings" sad, but I pity him, kinda of sad.
I was also in his parents area on my way to get some applications. I don't have their number or anyway to contact them because they just recently moved, but I knew where they lived, so I drove by because I just wanted to apologize to them, nothing more. No one answered, and their car was in the driveway. Makes me sad. Is there no maturity left I wonder? I just wanted to take some responsibility for 'dumping' the childcare like I did onto them. That was all, but I'll leave it alone.
So, now what? I need items from the house, I can wait about two more weeks, but then I seriously need my H to contact me, let me get my things, etc. I'm not really sure what to do but just leave him alone, I guess. So, again, I sit and wait.
For the first time, I got an honest answer from him. He never ever tells me what the problem is, or how he's feeling, etc... he just usually blasts me with some blame, so I'm always left with a spinning head. He said he doesn't want to see me or be anywhere near me right now. Which I completely understand, but what's puzzling to me is that he says and I quote "You have made me feel like I cannot trust or love you anymore." I don't understand why he doesn't trust me... I haven't taken any of his things, I wasn't the one that came screaming at him. I didn't tell him that he was a horrible person, or a horrible father, or any of the things that he has said to me. I didn't attack his integrity as a person. So, that one stumps me.
I just told him that I was sorry he felt that way. He doesn't have to see me. I just contacted him because I just want to get my things.
I really feel perplexed about this. I feel sorry for him. He's so angry. I was just hoping he would be reasonable about letting me come to the house and get my own things without making it so damn difficult. Now, unfortunately, whatever he 'gets' for me won't be half of what I need because I'm a visual person and I can't list things off my head. I see what I need... oh yes, I need this, I need that, etc.
So damn frustrating, that's what it is. Stupid, stupid, stupid power struggle.
Sigh, yes, of course I will play it his way, as usual. I have no idea what I'm going to get, probably everything and I don't even know why I even bother to try. Because I know I love him. But everyone wonders why do I love him. I see his pain, I feel it. I know it's not really me, but it's certainly directed to me and right now, he believes it is me.
Sorry to hear your H is still acting this way. Sometimes the things they do can be so confusing. I have been bombarded with the no trust thing as well when in my head I had reasons not to trust. One area I found helpful to look into was the MLC forum. I am not saying your H is in a MLC, but some of the irrational behavior is there. It helped me wrap my head around some of this behavior. For me it helped with the emotional detachement (minaly not taking the things said personally). Hope it helps a little bit. You could drop your H a line saying you are there for him with regards to your BIL going to Iraq, just be prepered to receive anything from no response to something along the lines of "I don't need your help" etc. I usually just brush this stuff off and remember to believe nothing of what i hear and only 1/2 of what I see.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
