I think he is still trying as hard as he can to convince you that he means business. And you keep telling him you will not abandon him. Go on with the plan you had to find your true self. Just as you were saying the other night. And start walking away from him. He wants to see you do that. He will kick you in the teeth until you do it. You are stubborn, yes. I can see that. Stop telling him you will be there for him. Stop telling yourself you will be there for him. Just tell your kids that you will be there for them. They need you. They are not conditioned to be abandoned as he is. Do your best to protect them from it. You cannot stop his desire for abandonment. Perhaps you can stop this from going into the next generation.
Oh, CW--that's a hard thing to read. My H could have written it, word for word. There is something so awful about an H who "cares" about you, respects you "as a person," but doesn't love you or want to stay married to you. I find it harder to deal with that than if my H despised me. At least there is passion in hatred.
I agree that you should stop saying you'll be there for him. He knows. I also feel awful for my kids, feel my H is choosing to live apart from them. As you told me one time, though, you don't have to like this, but you have to accept it. I KNOW how impossible it feels. I'm terrible at applying this stuff to my own sitch.
I think I will have the same kind of reaction when my H finally moves out--another major hitting bottom. I plan to go dark at that point as much as possible because I think it will be the only way I can begin to move forward. Right now, I still believe on some level that any day now my H is going to wake up and see what he's doing.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Thank you Jeff. I'm either very special, very stubborn or very stupid. It could be a mix of all three.
AMen! I need to read through your whole sitch, but just reading your last couple pages, I see we sound so much alike. Even our ages, kids ages etc. It's crazy. And I hear you. If one more person tells me "kids are resilient" I think I'm seriously going to go postal!
I have no advice because I'm an emotional mess like you. My H is set to move out on Monday, and I too hear the "there's time until it's final. Heck, I think I've said it on here to others.", yet like you, I feel it's just one more step on the way to D.
Hang in there. It's all we can do.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
My H is an ass. I just got an email from him. "Here's a couple of songs I thought you'd like... "
Titles: These Words (I love you, I love you) and Love Like This
WTF?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Don't reply. If he asks why you didn't reply or what you thought of them, just say you were busy or you didn't think he expected a response.
It's like there is a string here, every time you try and get close he runs, but when you pull away he chases. He can't believe you would really detach from him, so let him realize it. Let him wonder.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yes. You need to go dark on him. Especially for Father's Day. I doubt you could be as mean and cold to him on Father's Day as he was to you on Mother's Day. But you need to give it a try. You have got to give him the coldness he asks for. He will destroy you if you don't.
WTF indeed. He sounds like someone who is having a breakdown. My H often plays CDs of love songs; it's very weird to have lyrics like "Let's fall in love, why don't we fall in love" playing in the background as we prepare to separate.
It's that kind of stuff-your H's text, mine playing those songs--that makes the MLC-as-mental-illness theory seem valid indeed.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
WTF indeed. He sounds like someone who is having a breakdown. My H often plays CDs of love songs; it's very weird to have lyrics like "Let's fall in love, why don't we fall in love" playing in the background as we prepare to separate.
It's that kind of stuff-your H's text, mine playing those songs--that makes the MLC-as-mental-illness theory seem valid indeed.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Yes. You need to go dark on him. Especially for Father's Day. I doubt you could be as mean and cold to him on Father's Day as he was to you on Mother's Day. But you need to give it a try. You have got to give him the coldness he asks for. He will destroy you if you don't.
He's coming over tonight to do some things to the house to get it market ready.
What do I do? The kids are with him tomorrow night, I have a school board meeting on Thursday that I need to attend and he'll be watching the kids.
Should I take the kids to a movie? I don't want to be apart from them tonight. Or do I leave to do something and leave him with the kids? They'd probably want to play with him, but he'll have work to do.
Or do I stay and just do my thing? Act totally happy, work on my own house projects?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
