I am one of those H with a LD W who has felt like giving up many times and then happy some things seem to work for a while.
nightmare Anyway, to get back to last night's discussion. My H asked me to think about several things:
3) It cannot feel like "work" or "clinical" when we're just doing it. So, you want it easy? I say do it if it feels like work or clinical. It is going to feel that way till it changes. The important thing is the change. Think of JDI as a process that leads to a result.
I was listening to a pod cast about making changes in relationships. The marriage counselor giving the pod cast said when people make changes, the first 50 times it feels like the change is forced/work/clinical and it isn’t till the 100th. Time, that the changed behavior feels natural.
3) Discuss the JDI plan with someone else he is close to and get their feedback. Have him come on the SSM forum. Men and women will help him work out some issues you both have. It works faster and better when both spouses post.
and have felt somewhat self conscious about moving/rubbing/acts that intensify my own pleasure. I think it goes back to the old feelings of "good girls don't do this". Good girls do like it. It cements the M.
I have been to several group therapy sessions and have countless women and some men refer to them self as a recovering (insert religious teachings here ) and how that “good gilrs/boys don’t,” has taken the joy out of life.
If pre and extra marital sex is a sin, so is not having sex with your spouse a sin. But, let me take the word sin out of the picture and say it is hurtful to both spouses. BTDT.
Near the end said is the MOST exciting and rewarding if I know my wife is getting pleasure from sex, I will say is the exciting and rewarding if I know my wife is getting pleasure from sex,
When she doesn’t seem to get much pleasure from sex, I feel like I baked a caked that didn’t raise, so it looks like a cookie, rather than a cake. Still enjoyable but not what I intended, so I am disappointed. I am OK with cookies if it doesn’t work for my W but cookie after cookie, and never a cake gets to be depressing.
You said you had pain. I will be blunt but try to be helpful. My W had some of the same issues. The following ideas I got mostly from reading a forum for women that had breast cancer (BC) and are now recovering from surgery, chemo, and radiation. The women used to enjoy sex but now have lost their sex drive due to medications and radiation treatments.
My W had BC and we had different sexual needs/interests, or little interests in her case.
She liked the Rabbit and some of the water based lubes I bought. After using the toy for a while, she now can relax more during sex.
I don’t have all of my facts straight but this is the short version. Another poster on DB was sown up too tight after surgery or delivery and she had to use graduated vaginal dilators. Intercourse was painful before using the graduated dilators but now she is fine. http://www.vaginismus.com/products/dilator_set
Also, many people use something like http://www.bettersex.com/Sex-Toys/sp-splash-personal-lubricant-for-women-2303.aspx even if you lube naturally. I want to encourage you to try some lubes just to determine how they help. Lubes really improved my pleasure and I know my W doesn’t have any ouch moments anymore. We started with water based lubes but still had some ouch times. Then I bought a silicone based lube ant really liked it. Water based lubes do get sticky and dry-out as time passes. Silicone lubes don’t dry-out and last a long time.
I am not your H and men/women differ so take what I say as it might or might not apply to your H. From my male POV, suppressing my sex drive is OK to a point. After that point, the sex drive turns into frustration, then resentment.
Several times I thought about staying away from my W when it came to sex. It is difficult for me to do, but I was (other men said the same thing) looking for ways to avoid sex with my W because of our sexual problems. Most attempts at having sex lead to frustrations that became so severe, what should have been joy just lead to more and more resentments and eventually to internal anger.
Short version, I wasn’t happy about my decision to avoid any situation that might lead to sex. I wasn’t happy because of all the frustrations I had when we did have crappy sex. It was a really bad time for me, mostly because of my W’s unwillingness to try anything different that might change or improve our sexual R.
Many times I was ready to file for a legal separation and live in an apartment by myself. We live in a nice home that is paid off and I was willing to live in a place that was half as nice as our current home.
If you have any questions about anything I suggested or something else from a male perspective, just ask.
